Business or busyness

Busyness.  Not the kind you own (business), but the kind that owns you (busyness).  That’s been me lately.  I’ve been responding instead of owning my time.  It gets sucked up pretty quickly when you don’t watch it.  Many things I can do nothing about, but others I can organize better, plan around and take the reins back.

My start (on Sunday) has gone rather well.  I have been much more conscious of the food I put in my mouth.  It’s not a knee jerk reaction to what’s going on around here, something to numb the worry, relief, stress, whatever.  I have even somewhat enjoyed the feeling of being a bit hungry.  I’ve restarted the shakes in the morning.  They are a simple answer to a quick way to get a decent meal in me before I set off on the day.  I’ve scaled back on my portion size (that sure is easy to creep up on you, more and more needed to satisfy you), and I’ve got gum everywhere…my secret weapon to late night munchies and it seems to be working.

One workout at a time, I’m striving for my goals instead of giving them up for a happy food moment here and there.  One day, I will not be a slave to the scale, but rather I will own it!  Until then, I’ll trudge on, owning one day at a time, and making the best of it.

 

 

A little sappiness goes a long way.

First, I would like to thank Autumn, my fellow blogger, for her encouragement. I had been frustrated for so long that I figured something had to be wrong with me. Finally I know what it is, but it seems lame. I mean really. Who doesn’t have sleep issues when they have kids. I know the effects Apnea has on the body, but not many people understand. It sounds like a cop-out, so outside of cyberspace, I do not talk about it. It also makes it easier at 2am when the mask is bugging me to take it off. It’s just sleep. Lots of people are tired. (Never mind the fact that I stop breathing in my sleep and my hubby tells me he is glad he never woke up to a blue wife laying next to him.) It was a wake up call to have someone who understands remind me why it is important to keep trying. I have had more determination to wear the CPAP mask all night. Thank you Autumn!

I feel a little guilty posting results this week since it seems like a down week for my fellow weight warriors. We must remember though that we will not win every battle. Do not let it stop you from fighting the war. I hope we can be there for each other and celebrate the victories and encourage through the defeats.

Enough sappiness….

You may have noticed I hadn’t posted a weight loss/gain the past couple weeks. That’s because I hadn’t weighed in. I have been so sick of having a gain or just a maintain that I just didn’t want to step on that scale. I was done with having disappointments to write about. I started out the week with 2 co-workers asking if I had lost weight. They could see it in my face. ( I am usually behind a high desk when they see me.) Boost to my confidence #1. I ordered a new sports bras that finally arrived off of back order. I have to send it back for a smaller band and cup size. Much to the chagrin of DH! Confidence boost #2. Wednesday I was feeling lucky, sort of, and did my official weigh-in. I nearly squealed when I saw the 5 pound loss! It had to sink in and wasn’t quite believed until I saw the email confirmation. Five more pounds and I am out of the 230’s.

That is my goal. Small bites. I need to try to focus on small increments. I get focused on the big goals, like the 20 lbs before the June 3rd wedding, and get upset as the time shortens and the attainability of that goal seems too hard. Then it becomes easier to throw in the towel. Five pounds is not towel worthy. It can be done. I can do it. You can do it!

Let’s Do It!

“Every great achievement was once considered impossible.”

~ Unknown

where does that road paved with good intentions go?

This was not a week for me to worry about my fitness. I have made that appointment with my doctor: Monday morning.  Here are the sad results of my week.

ummm….wait the picture is still in my camera and I’m too tired/lazy to go find said camera (last night I fell asleep at the computer writing my history essay, woke up enough to send it in as is). Let’s just leave it at I gained weight.

My goal for this week is to have a better week.

Wish me luck!

I’m Practically Famous

Ok, so, that’s not really true. BUT last Friday I was minding my own at work and I got an email from a lady who had interviewed me for a magazine back in October but we were never really able to set a date for me to go do a photo shoot so I was under the impression that the article was on hold…. anyway, back to the email, the email basically was like, “so congrats your article was featured in the Spring issue of Scottsdale Living Magazine”. Pretty cool!! {you can read the article by going to http://issuu.com/azbigmedia/docs/scottsdale-living-spring-2012-digital and the article starts on page 6}. I have to admit, it is pretty cool… but I do want to make sure you all know that I don’t have “Cutting the FAT” tattooed on my back like the pic in the mag shows… and that’s not my back, I’m waaaay whiter than that! 😉

I know that I’ve been MIA for a while, and to be honest, I’m not even sure what I weighed last time I wrote. I have a pic of my weight on my phone from about 2 weeks ago and I’m up 2 lbs from that weight. But last Thursday I went to the dr {my obgyn} for a routine lab follow-up. Remember a few weeks ago he put me on thyroid meds? Well, this time I go back and I’m told my uric acid is crazy high and my vitamin d was low. Oh, and I have a polyp on my ovary.  We will now refer to this Dr as Dr. Doom. I love the man to pieces, but I don’t think I’ve had one appointment with him that he hasn’t told me something that was a tad depressing lol… he’s a little too thorough at times. So, Uric Acid basically tells your kidney function and high uric acid is a sign of Gout. Gout runs in my family {thank you, Dad for sharing!! love you!!} so I was given a pill for that and told to avoid red meat and any food that may taste good…ok, so he didn’t say that but he might as well have! Then the vitamin D he tells me the importance of women taking 5000 iu of Vitamin D daily to help fight breast cancer and the fact that mine was low was no good. So, a pill for that. And a plug to all you women– Take Vitamin D daily… the health benefits are worth the $6 you’ll spend on a good one! So the polyp… not that any of you care, but I get “wanded” ultra sounds every 2 weeks {don’t be jealous!} and this polyp has never been there. I even recognized it as being foreign… so Dr. Doom reassured me that “most” polyps aren’t cancerous. MOST?! Not good enough for me, Dr. Doom! All I heard was cancer and I started planning what I should be dressed in at my funeral! {Amy, please take note, I want a MAC make-up artist, but make sure she doesn’t go too crazy!!} Anyways, this was a lot of news to take in. And now I’m up to taking 4 pills a day since I started doubling my thyroid pill. I feel like a 90-year-old woman… or my husband. 😉

I have no idea where this post went. lol. Perhaps I shouldn’t miss a few weeks posting and then you won’t get Raw Autumn. Just be thankful the hubs is sitting next to me saying things like, “you can’t say that!!”

Alright, bloggers. Have a great week! I for one, am going to shoot for doing 1 work out in the next week. So lame, I know, but I am overwhelmed and need to do things in small increments! Oh, and trying not to binge eat at night… how do you control your night-time hunger?! Mine is out.of.con.trol.

xoxo,

Autumn

yep…

I love the show “Storage Wars”, not sure why, its a guilty pleasure I guess. There is a guy on there, super annoying, but smart at the same time. When he bids he has this long drawn out, “Yeeeep” It cracks me up. It also is kinda how I am feeling lately, Just a “Yeeeep.” on life. Long. Drawn-out. Nothing fancy or over-rated. I am just here. Life has not been sunshine and daisies for me lately, so I am not going to pretend that it is here either.

 It’s tough. I am struggling. I don’t know what I expect when I eat ok, exercise rarely, and then just saunter my way through the mix of everything else. It’s actually obnoxious, but getting on the scale is like an annoying..”Yeeep” in my head. Nothing has moved very far either way. My husband reacted with a , “You’re maintaining, that’s good.” Ummm…is it? I don’t think so. I am stagnant and bored and need to change it all up. I want to change it up. I think I can change it up. So, yesterday was GORGEOUS here in dorothy-ville. Allan had a dental appointment that I would need to drive him to and from because the meds would be a bit much for driving. So, I got this wild streak and thought ..hey, I’m gonna (wait for it) WALK today. Careful, the jaw dropping that far can be harmful. I KNOW, it is an epiphany, but I actually got out and walked the 2.5 mile path around the Custer Hill Golf course on post. There is a butt-kicking hill midway through that I basically told myself was punishment for being lazy. Not to let the fat-girl mentality push back…I decided one lap around wasn’t enough…let’s do TWO!!! You know what, I survived. I may not feel bright and cheery this morning, and my legs are a bit achy…but I did the flippin’ thing. TWICE even. How ’bout them apples.

So I have decided when the fat girl mental game starts coming into play, I need to check myself and have a way to push back. If I am ever going to get to my goal weight..it is what HAS TO happen. No more games and silliness, or even more so..excuses. So, in a nut shell. I am no longer going to “maintain”. I want to push back and make the fat girl disappear…along with all the mental games and baggage she brings along with her. Wish me luck..I amy really need it. LOL.

 

Stepping Stones…

I am tired of stumbling blocks that keep derailing me.  My wheels are not strong enough to stay on the track.  My husband had a scare…thought he might have had a heart attack, which thankfully turned out otherwise.  Still it rocked me, and I found comfort in food.  No candy…I promised AB I wouldn’t eat any till I lost 25 lbs, but I did eat more than I should have of food…just food in general.  And I didn’t exercise…at all.  Actually I did on Monday, so once…the whole week.

I know my only option is to spin downward or climb upward.  So I climb.

I didn’t want to post today…whining is not my style and I feel I’ve done too much of that already, but you know what, we didn’t promise sunshine and roses every week.  We promised real life honesty.

Now to make stepping stones out of my stumbling blocks.

Longer toes, torture devices, and bugs!

First, I have a question for the runners out there. About a month ago I got new running shoes, Asics, and the salesgal put me in a 1/2 size larger than what I have been in. Now before this I was working in a pair of Nikes. When I ran I felt my toes hitting the end of the shoes. I hadn’t worn them since getting the new shoes. When running around I have just been throwing on an old broken in (literally my toes poke out of holes in the ends) Saucony tennies. All of that to get to this, I didn’t get to the gym much this week and was working out at home and wanted to save my running shoes for running. I put on the Nikes and just stood up and found my feet were uncomfortably squished. Like my feet had elongated, or my toes at least. Is this normal? Maybe the running is stretching out my feet? Any ideas would be great? It was just weird.

I hate my CPAP! I hate my CPAP! Have I told you I hate my CPAP?

It’s interesting AB brought up doing drastic things in her Friday post. I had been thinking all week how much determination it has been taking me to put that mask on every night.

The one on the right is supposed to be the most comfortable. They both look medieval if you ask me. It has been just over a month and I am still not use to them.  The sleep meds help to make it a large portion through the night and occasionally I do feel like I have gotten some rest, but I hate them! I see the doctor in a couple of weeks, maybe something will get better. It is supposed to make a huge difference so I will keep it up. Drastic indeed! (at least for me)

I would bathe in sugar-water and sit outside at dusk everyday!

It’s a new week. Time to forget about what I didn’t get done last week and to make goals for what I want to get done this week. And DO IT!

psychology + biology =

I’m taking a class called physiological psychology. I know…why don’t I challenge myself more. Ha! We just finished a chapter with a section called, “Hunger: Regulation of the Body’s Nutrients”. If I wanted to bore you I’d give you all the details about insulin and glucagon and fat and about the lateral hypothalamus plays a role in getting you to start eating or how a neurochemical called, CART, plays a role in getting you to feel full and stop eating…

…but really, would that help us in our quest to lose weight? Maybe.

Apparently, there is a group of scientists who believe that obesity should be classified as a brain disorder. Pros: insurance might pay for counseling and other treatments to help obese people lose weight. Cons: If you’re fat, you’re crazy.

One intersting fact that affected me personally from this chapter is the BMI scale. Since I’ve lost some weight I have downgraded from being “morbidly obese” to only being “obese”. I’ll take it as good news!

Everything else I’m learning in this class just backs up all the info we hear all the time: get a good night’s sleep, less calories in, more calories out, don’t starve yourself or puke up what you just ate, drink water, blah, blah, blah….

Only it isn’t “blah”. It’s scientific fact. Dang it.

Someone told me yesterday that I was brave for posting my weight (which is exactly the same today as it was 2 weeks ago, by the way). I told them I wasn’t brave. I had to. HAD TO. I cannot be accountable to myself. I lie to myself all the time (“This cookie won’t count”). The scale doesn’t lie and I am better at telling the truth to other people.

I’ve been discussing with my hubs (oh, yes, thank you, we had a lovely anniversary weekend in San Diego) that I’m at a set point (another scientific term from physio psych class) and I need to do something drastic to get passed it. My goal for this week is to make an appointment with my doc and ask for a referal to a nutrionist.

Drastic.

Clearly, what I have been doing isn’t getting the weight off, so I am looking for outside help. I’m probably going to have to start counting carbs or calories or some other annoying thing, but counting is not nearly as annoying as being fat. I want to feel better in my bathing suit this summer. I’m going to be spending a whole week camping at the beach!

SO! What drastic measures are you willing to take (or have you taken) to overcome your issues, friends?

I’m off to Disneyland for my baby’s 6th birthday. Wish me luck!

Wanted: A Few Good Songs

How is your week going? Is all the Easter candy gone from your house yet?

My emotions have been up and down which I guess is par for the course leading up to my “visitor,” “Aunt Flo,” “Big Red,” or as a friend of mine calls it “Permission to Mistreat your Spouse.” I was brought to tears by hubby asking if I had lost weight because my face looked slimmer and little things my kids have been doing are driving me crazy! I also  found myself lonely at the gym.

I do not have a gym buddy. I have tried to get together with friends but schedules never mesh. We homeschool, so I take my 13 and 15-year-old with me. My son doesn’t mind getting on the treadmill next to me but he isn’t very motivating for me and the eye rolling from my daughter is enough to make me want to scream. They also finish before me and can’t wait to go sit in the lobby. I am then very aware of the””Are you done yet?” stares and will hurry and finish. Hubby isn’t much better. It is a running joke about his need for water. He will spend some time doing cardio then go get a drink. Do a few sets of weights and go get a drink. Maybe a few situps then a drink. Now when I say he goes to get a drink I mean he meanders, wanders around, picks the dandelions ( even though we are inside) on his way to the water fountain and back. I know for him it is early to be at the gym plus between work, sleep, school, and kids it is a little time together. So the workouts aren’t as grueling as they should be or as long.

For the most part it doesn’t bother me to be alone. Usually I work out harder than if someone is there, but there are times I wish I wasn’t. There are those couples at the gym that actually push each other just a little bit more. I like to see these couples rather than the ones who should really learn how to spot properly because that is not where your hands go, please just go get a room couples. There’s also the friends who are just there to look cute in their latest gym outfit, not to break a sweat, while trading the latest gossip. There are the pairs who tell each other “Another five minutes, you can do it!” on the treadmill that I wish I were a part of when I am just a little low on motivation or discouraged.

I needed that a lot this week!

Really, most days, I am glad to not have to make small talk or feel like I am neglecting or ignoring a friend because I am concentrating. My own little zone with Pink, Adele, and the cast of Glee  pushing me through. My anthem, if you will, is “Stronger” by Christina Aguillera right now.(Correction: “Fighter” you’d think I’d know the title of a song I listen to so much.) That song repeats several times during my run. I just think of my ex-husband, and the mean comments in high school and do one more interval of running even though my run is technically over. “Defying Gravity” is another one that helps.

I’d love to know if there are some songs that motivate you. I am trying to put together a list to be my “Gym Buddy Playlist.” Songs that will give me that shove when I am less than gun-ho about my workout. My music tastes go far and wide so give me anything. If it helps you, I bet it would help me.

It’s a new week, new start, new chance to be healthy!

Dear world

Dear world,

Why did we invent sugar?

Why did we fill drinks full with it and call it soda? Why must it be the only alternative to water and alcohol at restaurants? Why do restaurants add it to their juice?

Why did we add it to fat and smear over bread already stuffed with it? Why do we demand everyone eat it at everyone’s birthday? Why must candy be included in every holiday that we have?

Why have we tried to make substitutes without the calories but still with all the glycemic index and with bonus possible cancer, birth defects or in my case immediate severe headache?

Why, if sugar is fine in moderation, do I have to work so hard to keep it from my diet? Why have we let sugar come into everything we eat? Every meal has a standard sugar something, from syrup to ketchup. I didn’t really need my crackers to have sugar as well. And you aren’t fooling anyone with those fancy words you use in place of sugar. High fructose corn syrup, Sucralose, aspartame, stevia. I could go on. But they all make things taste sweet. Why do we need spaghetti sauce to taste sweet?

Have we become that hedonistic that we can’t leave sugar out of things that didn’t use to contain it? Does it really make things taste THAT good?

Not that you, world, are totally to blame. I know how much I like sugar. I crave it. I’m weak. It is delicious. You were just trying to give me more of what I like. Others are just like me and yet a select few have found how to indeed have it in moderation. I applaud you. I envy you. It wasn’t easy for you. I know.

Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Kim