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Embracing the Ugly

 

 

You know those inspiring fitness memes? They say things like, “It’s better to be sore than sorry” or quote someone famous (like Buddha or Marilyn Monroe). There is usually a black and white picture of a super fit chick with sweat dripping off her muscles to accompany the uplifting words.

I don’t look like those when I work out.

In a yoga class recently I took a good look at myself in the mirror. It was difficult to accept what I saw. I think I’ve seen myself with some sort of mental filter in my mirrors at home. The mirror at the gym has no filters, real or imagined. It is unforgiving. I did not like what I saw, but I did not let the figure in the mirror get me down:

  • I was at the gym doing yoga!
  • I even went without a friend, on my own!
  • I have grossly cut back on the amount of crap junk food and snacks I was eating!
  • I have been intentionally adding more fruits & vegetables to my diet!

These changes to my behavior and working on improving my good habits have resulted in this

2013-12-20 weigh in

This is SEVEN POUNDS down from September. I’m trying to make a big deal out of it because I’m not really feeling accomplished. I’m still measuring myself against where I was before I started slipping back into nasty old habits (in case you’re wondering, I have four whole pounds more to lose to get to my lowest since starting this blog). It feels like I wasted so much time by gaining that weight back. I don’t want to waste time again.

Which is why I’m sticking to my anti-treat goals and set some specific exercise goals (2 spin classes, 1 yoga class and at least one additional workout each week).

Not wanting to waste my time losing the same lbs again is good motivation to work hard. Really wanting to get below my lowest weight (since starting scale matters) is an even bigger motivator. The desire to be too small for my smallest pair of jeans, to fit back into a favorite skirt from years gone by, to comfortably spend an afternoon on my feet, to  hike/swim/bike at pace with my family, those desires are all reasons I can look into those harsh gym mirrors and see this…

2013-12 spin selfiewithout crying and running from the gym. (This was an emotionally difficult selfie to share. I hope you appreciate my courage!)

Sometimes I wonder what goes through the instructor’s head or the other people’s heads when they see me in a spin class. Those classes are intense. I get pretty beet red and watching all that fat jiggle when I’m giving it my all…it doesn’t look anything like those sexy, inspiring memes. When I start to worry that people are mocking me in my head, I remind myself that I’m not at the gym to be their eye candy (ha!) or flirt (happily married for 18 years) nor does it matter what anyone else interprets from my working out.

I am there for me.

Going to spin class means afterward I don’t seem to crave sweets as much. When yoga class is over my stress has decreased and I can relax more easily. Every day that I workout makes me less anxious stepping on the scale for my weekly weigh in. Every week that I lose weight makes it easier to accept my results, reinforces those healthy habits, and brings me a little closer to seeing the me I expect when I look in the mirror… even the mean & nasty gym mirror.

5 days until Christmas and I’m planning to stick to my goals even during these holidays. (If Santa brings me a pair of spin shoes that clip into the pedals, it would be even more fun to stick to my goals!)

 

Wish me luck!

…and may your holidays be merry!

 

 

 

Don’t let it creep up on you again

The title of this entry is a note to myself. When I started this blog I was devoted. I was not eating sugar/candy/cake/treats. Soda? Rarely. Healthy snacks and gum were my weapons against cravings for all those things I was skipping out on. I was working out at least 3 times per week and I was dropping the lbs in a nice steady manner. Since that first 4 months I gained back 10 of the 15 pounds I lost. How did that happen?!

Here a little and there a little.

“They make the best root beer here. I have earned a night of drinking soda!”

“I have to sample these treats before we deliver them. It’s a new recipe!”

“This is the only chance I have to taste this particular delicious looking dessert.”

“Gah. My kids need me. I don’t have time to go to the gym.”

“Tomorrow will be a better day for getting my workout in.”

You get the idea. Slowly, all those good habits I was building justified themselves right out of existence. The only thing I have been consistent about for the past year is working out, but even then it was only twice a week at the most.

Overcoming my own short comings is the biggest challenge in losing the weight.

I had been avoiding a real weigh in, but on Feb 1st I weighed in, not out of habit, but because I knew I needed a reality check.

2013-02-01 weigh in

More than 2 months since I stepped on the scale and my weight was still in the range of Yuck. I had to be realistic. At best what I was doing was not helping me lose the pounds. My knee had started being sore. My cute jeans were more tight than comfortable. I was tired way more often. I started to blame my clothes for the way they looked on me. Between the scale reading and the way I was feeling, I knew I had to stop making excuses.

So for the next 2 weeks I indulged in nearly everything. The week of Valentine’s Day I did not work out once. I ate everything I felt like eating. I wasn’t trying to lose weight. I just was. Last Friday I had my last lazy day. I went to the store with my husband to get, among other things, ice cream. He asked, “Are you sure you want to get a pint to yourself?” (He is a sweet, subtle man who knows how to talk to me without becoming the target for my anger)

“It’s my last one. After tonight I am not going to indulge myself any more.” Was I justifying? Did I mean it? Honestly, I was not sure. Saturday I woke up resolved. I stepped on the scale again.

2013-02-16 weigh in

That doesn’t even make sense. Does it? I ate like a pig, didn’t work out and lost 2 lbs. But maybe that was fuel for my fire. Imagine what the scale might have read if I had tried that week?! I was ready to go. Then a dessert that I enjoy appeared. I had to decide right then and there if I was going to stick with my plan to avoid treats. Could I?! I managed to walk away but didn’t stop thinking about it.

My weakness is late at night after the kids go to bed, so I concentrated on that battle. If I needed a snack that time of night it was going to be roasted almonds or string cheese or something with protein. It doesn’t make late night snacking as fun, but it was effective. After I eat them I always regret eating desserts late at night. The next temptation in my path was a little easier. Each day I have a little more strength and a little more motivation to eat right.

Monday was President’s Day and I took advantage of not getting any kids ready for anything and went to the gym! I don’t know why but Mondays and Tuesdays are the hardest days for me to figure out how to get a workout in. I’ve managed three workouts this week and I hope to find some active thing to do with my family tomorrow afternoon. If I can plan ahead for then when & where of my workouts next week I know I will be succesful again.

Things are looking up! And my weight…

2013-02-22 weigh in

my weight is down another pound. Thank heavens. I don’t know if all this newfound (re-found) determination could have handled anything less.

I know I’m going to have days when being good is more difficult than others, but I don’t want to let one bad day give me permission to go downhill again. This blog post is titled so that I can find it easily when I’m having one of those difficult-to-stick-to-my-goals days. Losing weight really does feel like a battle…or a war. I need to win it.

Wish me luck.

The Lone Ranger had Tonto….

Starting to feel a little lonely on here.  Calling all weight-loss warriors!!! Changing your lifestyle is so much easier with help from others. I hope this blog doesn’t fade into the sunset. It has been such a help for me. I guess I will just keep sending my thoughts out into cyberspace if for nothing else than a chronicle for me.

Colorado is usually referred to by us lucky to live here as “God’s Country.” It’s been just stressful lately. When we’re not burning to the ground, we’re killing each other in movie theaters. Coupled with PMS week and a dear friend in crisis, I had some bad meals. I have to take my own advice and remember the next meal, day, is a chance to make a better choice. I just maintained this week. I say that like it is a bad thing. It shouldn’t be. It’s better than gaining, right! I still feel crappy about not losing.

I have 13 days until my mud run. To say I am starting to freak out is an understatement! The organizers are starting to post pics of the obstacles as they are finished building them. Do you see those dots on the right side? Those are cars people!

Picture

Cargo net up a cliff face, a mud pit that is crossed on a line of tireswings, canyon traverse on ropes, the “gauntlet!” What in tarnations did I get myself into? I was a little worried when I first signed up and saw it was being held at an off-road park out in the boonies. Off-road parks are all hills otherwise they aren’t fun but add in …….

Picture     Picture     Picture

Ok the slide looks like it might be fun, but good gravy I don’t know if I can handle the other 18 obstacles. They seem to like making things with tires!

It’s not just doubts but I am in pain. As I have ramped up the workouts my knee and hip joints are killing me. Point of tears for hours later pain. I have starting taking glucosimine(sp?) to try to help. Hubby has decided to do it with me which is a mixed bag of emotions. But he said even if we walk the whole thing it will be ok. I wanted to do this to have something to show for my hard work. To be able to say “I did that!” To hopefully motivate my kids. “Hey, if my overweight mom can do THAT, I can get/be in shape too.”

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the race FB page had this posted today.

If you have been thinking about whether you can do the BIGDOG or not….Henry had some good advice!

WHETHER YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN DO A THING OR NOT…YOU ARE RIGHT!!! Henry Ford

 

Well played Big Dog, well played!

So let’s try this again… I have 13 days until my race! WooooooHoooooo! Can’t wait! Okay that last bit was said sarcastically but maybe in 12 days it won’t be! I hate mud! I need to change that attitude too. LOL!

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming……

I was thinking this morning how I didn’t see a post from AB and was wondering how she was doing. Then I felt guilty about posting after reading hers. I remembered how it was not so long ago my posts sounded just like hers. I could have written it just a couple months ago. I know how hard it is to not give up, pour gravy over everything, butter a huge roll and scarf it down. I love me some carbs!

I’ll admit it was a little hard to come on here and read the success of the other ladies when I was sucking, but occasionally someone would have an “off” week. Those posts helped so much more than the others. It was encouraging that others did struggle. It wasn’t easy for everyone else. We are all human and fighting the same self defeating ideas. It helped me keep going and it is only because  of watching you ladies pick yourself up and get back on track that I didn’t just curl into the fetal position and say “It can’t be done!”

I know it is hard and what you are going through. I am not just saying that. I KNOW!  And although I have been blessed to have a string of good posts and yes I have lost weight again this week, I also know that I can be right back where I was in a heartbeat.

I have gotten to a place where I have stopped beating myself up for having a bad meal, day, week. Tomorrow is a chance to start again. You can’t change what has already been, but you can choose to make the next meal, day, week a good one and just keep moving forward.

Fireworks, Sunburns and Snakes…..Oh My!

Where do we begin. The 4th of July on a Wednesday completely threw off my week. I hope you all had a lovely holiday and didn’t indulge too much. I only got in 3 cardio days and 1 day with weights. I came in at 226.4 down just 0.4lbs from last week, but beggars can’t be choosers.

I am registered for the……

Picture

Big Dog Brag Mud Run on August 4th. I am really hoping I get into the first wave at 930am and avoid the hottest part of the day. I’m not sure I will be smiling like this guy, but I will be muddy!

We have lived in our house for 4 years and hubby and I were just talking a couple of weeks ago how we have not seen any snakes, ever. We live in the boonies, everyone has at least an acre and we are next to a cattle ranch. Perfect snake country. Each neighbor on either side have had encounters, but we have had none. We jinxed ourselves and it started with hubby having to extract a bull snake from the ER waiting (where he works) room. Then I took the puppy outside only to sit down next to a 6 foot bull snake. We then came home from the fireworks to find a rattler making a dinner of a bunny. I am not thrilled with snakes to put it mildly!

Thursday I decided some yard work needed to be done. I spent 3 hours mowing.  Were the weeds and grass needing a cut, yes. Did I need to go over it and over it lowering the lawnmower blade until you see bare ground and making it easy to see any creepy, crawly thing, maybe not. Was it a little obsessive to start mowing other people’s yards because I thought their slightly longer greenery was a gateway for snakes into ours, perhaps, but I am just going to call it being neighborly! It’s more than 3 days later and I still have a lovely crimson color. Yes, I put on sunscreen. For some reason sunscreen has never worked for me, from when I was young. I have tried different brands and SPF’s, but more than 1/2 an hour in the sun and I am doomed.

It was a lovely day today to run outside. I better get used to it before the 4th! It was nice and cloudy and in the 60’s. I didn’t let my self-defeating thoughts talk me out of going out nice and early before church. It was pretty nice and I got in 2.46 miles before stopping. Did I run the whole time, um no, but a good, sweaty workout and a motivating way to start my week.

I have been trying to cater my workouts  toward what I will be facing in a few weeks. I know I need more upper body strength and climbing work. Now that I have registered, I know the time is going to just fly by and I will wish I had more time!

Any one else have races coming up?

 

 

“If you don’t take care of your body, where are you going to live?” ~Unknown

Where you see smoke…..

There’s fire. It is a hazy, smoky, hot mess around here. Doing things outside is not pleasant. My car read 113 driving in town and I just have a headache from the smoke. I had hoped to switch to the distance 5k training program rather than the timed one I had been doing. That’s out right now.

It has been a crazy week. Hubby finally went to day shift this week. It has been a harder transition than I imagined. It is weird having him here and awake. On night shift he was gone from 530p-7a and then slept most of the day. It’s taking some getting use to.

We also got this…

It has been like adding another child. It has kept me busy and with 2 walks a day most days, it just adds to my exercise. She doesn’t walk far yet. Just to the end of the street and back and it isn’t very fast with her little legs but hey it’s 4/10 of a mile twice a day. Every little bit helps right? I know it’s a stretch.

I was ready to get back into a gym routine on Monday, but hubs said he would go with me if I went later. With our vacation the little kids are not taking classes this month which was my excuse to be at the gym at a certain time on certain days, so I told him I’d wait. Before coming home I decided to get my weigh in done since we were there. This was a moment of insanity since we all know you do not weigh yourself after breakfast time and if you can help it without clothes. It was after 1pm! I wanted to get it over with and see what the damage was from the southern fried comfort food. How many calories are in crawfish etoufee?!?

I was not ready for the number. Are you ready? Can you guess? Here we go 228.2! That’s right! A loss of 2.2lbs! “I can see clearly now, 230s gone!” You know you just sang that in your head. LOL

I saw this quote and thought it was appropriate since I keep talking myself out of signing up for a mud run 5k obstacle course race in August. I know just do it!

If you’re trying to achieve, there will be roadblocks. I’ve had them; everybody has had them. But obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.
~ Michael Jordan ~

 

 

Happy Father’s Day!

Just a quick note since I am celebrating the day with the greatest dad I know, My husband!!

The last leg of our trip did not get better except that we got to see some family. The rain followed us every where we went. Downpour, lost power rain. The only place we didn’t bring it is to Colorado which is in a drought and dealing with fires. My son still had vomiting episodes for 5 days. We got to the point where my husband and I were looking at just dropping of the rental car and flying home. I was so done, at 1 am I got up and loaded up the family and headed out at 2 and drove the 12 hours home.

I was happy to see that when I weighed in on my home scale I had only gained 1/2lb.

I am sure that I will have to start at square one at the gym tomorrow, but I am ready. I actually missed it.

I have been pondering a Big Dog Brag Mud Run (tough mudder kind of race). I know what you will say Miss AB, but I am still nervous about doing it.

Hope you all are doing well with your goals!!

Stress & Surprises

Okay, so TECHNICALLY today is Thursday. I am actually banking on the fact that my West Coast contributors to this blog are all still fast asleep in their beds, that I can sneak this in virtually unnoticed. LOL. Okay, let’s start off with a quick Q&A.

1. Where have you been the last few weeks?

      Alive. Not wanting to face the firing squads, I went into hiding a bit. Actually, the stress of end of school, a bit of FRG craziness, and sick kiddos filled my plate.

2. Have you been keeping up with your goals?

      Yes, actually I have. Maybe not as well as I would have hoped (or had anticipated). However, I have lost more weight..dropped another dress size, and am getting really jazzed about the incredibly shrinking me.

3. What results have you seen?

   I went to see my bariatric surgeon last week. My overall weightloss percentage (meaning total that I have lost of my excess weight.. looking at the # he wants me/ the charts say I am suppose to be at)  is 47% lost. Which is amazing considering I don’t reach my 1 year post-surgery mark until end of July. He is very no-nonsense and wants me over the 50% mark by then. I am sooo gonna meet that goal..and SURPASS it!!

4. Break it down.. can you show me the Numbers?

Yes. Here we go, nuts & bolts details of where I am at. LOL. Actually, I will preface it to say that I hit an amazing milestone that I a pretty happy about. I. Bought. A. Bathing Suit. AND I LIKE IT!!! It still is weird shopping in the “skinny section” of the stores. You know what I mean. The area that doesn’t have a “W” behind any of the sizes!! My new found awesome swim attire is a red little number in a size…wait for it, 14!! woohoo. It is awesome to be able to put it on and actually see a glimpse of a figure that won’t scare little children at the pool. LOL. You asked for a number. Heehee. Okay, here’s another. Another part of me has shrunk… MY FEET!! I used to wear a size 11W. Well, I was looking for shoes for my Virginia escape this weekend, and I kept laughing. All of the size 11W’s were sliding off of me, and making me look like I had clown shoes on. Heehee. So..long story short, I am totally digging the size 10M sparkly, strappy pair of shoes that found their way to my home.

 

That is my story, and I am sticking to it. Heehee. I am working out for 40 minutes a day at LEAST 4 times a week. I am seeing changes. I am experiencing results. I am trying my best to stay in this good mojo frame of mind!! Later my weightloss peeps.. have a great weekend. I am sooo going to. My skinnier self is boarding a plane. Virginia bound for a wedding (and meeting a very sweet little princess for the very 1st time.) I LOVE icing on cakes of awesomeness!). 

A little sappiness goes a long way.

First, I would like to thank Autumn, my fellow blogger, for her encouragement. I had been frustrated for so long that I figured something had to be wrong with me. Finally I know what it is, but it seems lame. I mean really. Who doesn’t have sleep issues when they have kids. I know the effects Apnea has on the body, but not many people understand. It sounds like a cop-out, so outside of cyberspace, I do not talk about it. It also makes it easier at 2am when the mask is bugging me to take it off. It’s just sleep. Lots of people are tired. (Never mind the fact that I stop breathing in my sleep and my hubby tells me he is glad he never woke up to a blue wife laying next to him.) It was a wake up call to have someone who understands remind me why it is important to keep trying. I have had more determination to wear the CPAP mask all night. Thank you Autumn!

I feel a little guilty posting results this week since it seems like a down week for my fellow weight warriors. We must remember though that we will not win every battle. Do not let it stop you from fighting the war. I hope we can be there for each other and celebrate the victories and encourage through the defeats.

Enough sappiness….

You may have noticed I hadn’t posted a weight loss/gain the past couple weeks. That’s because I hadn’t weighed in. I have been so sick of having a gain or just a maintain that I just didn’t want to step on that scale. I was done with having disappointments to write about. I started out the week with 2 co-workers asking if I had lost weight. They could see it in my face. ( I am usually behind a high desk when they see me.) Boost to my confidence #1. I ordered a new sports bras that finally arrived off of back order. I have to send it back for a smaller band and cup size. Much to the chagrin of DH! Confidence boost #2. Wednesday I was feeling lucky, sort of, and did my official weigh-in. I nearly squealed when I saw the 5 pound loss! It had to sink in and wasn’t quite believed until I saw the email confirmation. Five more pounds and I am out of the 230’s.

That is my goal. Small bites. I need to try to focus on small increments. I get focused on the big goals, like the 20 lbs before the June 3rd wedding, and get upset as the time shortens and the attainability of that goal seems too hard. Then it becomes easier to throw in the towel. Five pounds is not towel worthy. It can be done. I can do it. You can do it!

Let’s Do It!

“Every great achievement was once considered impossible.”

~ Unknown

I’m baaaaaack!!

   Yes, I have been on a hiatus the last few weeks, and for that I apologize. We had an incident happen, we have very appropriately named, “The Flood of 2012″. Let’s just say my entire downstairs is gutted at the moment, and we have been a bit preoccupied. LOL. Combine that with a not so friendly flu bug that decided to make itself at home and we were in a world of yuck. We are mucking through it, and recovering.

” It” happened to be the day I went to my bariatric surgeon to face the music of my less than stellar performance the last month. I was NOT given a pat on the back for surviving, but a lecture and 6 week appointment to make sure I hadn’t “fallen off the wagon” Why? I GAINED 4 stinking pounds since I had seen him last. UGH. I had dropped to my pit of despair eyeore mode, only to walk in the door to two inches of water covering everything. Yay me.

Weighing in that day was an eye opener for me, and the flood made me aware of my less than active lifestyle. BOTH of which needed to change. Monday, yes two days ago, I took the steps I needed to push me back into where I belonged. I found my walking feet again. There is a trail outside of post that is beautiful. Because of the rain last week, it had been too muddy to attempt..until now. I grabbed my trusty jogging stroller and walking buddy Cwynn and headed out. The goal: 2 miles. What surprised me…I actually ended up doing 4.25 miles…and it felt GREAT!!! I mean, absolutely-this -is-what-I-had-been-missing phenomenal!!! Needless to say, I replayed the event yesterday…only this time I RAN the first 3/4 of a mile. Me + running have never really been a compatible duo. I have always been WAY to endowed up top, and it was uncomfortable. I still have my girls…just a smaller version now. LOL. Apparently that is all that was needed. I didn’t go the entire 4 miles. However I did go 2.5 and it again was great!!

 Now, on to the amazing part. I weighed this morning. Not expecting much, but hoping for the best.Ask and ye shall receive. My NEW WEIGHT: 236.2. Yes siree..I not only lost the new weight gain, I also said goodbye to the hovering number that had been haunting me for so long. Hooray!! Totally excited, motivated and ready for some more booty kicking!!

  At first, I let myself get swallowed up in the lecture, weight gain and flood..it literally opened up a lot more flood gates than I realized. I allowed it to envelop me, it marinated awhile and I let it stay. Now..eyes are open, mind and body are aware of what needs to be done. The goal is to go after it..and keep going after it until I have reached it. Where has this girl been the last few months?? I have missed her, and would really like the new me to stick around for a long time to come. More walking? YES PLEASE!!!!

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