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feeling funky

Since February I have:

  • finished my Associates degree in Psychology (it sounds so unimpressive in a bullet point but it has been a long and rocky road…not the kind with almonds and marshmallows either)
  • had surgery (which seems to have improved a “girl problem” I was having)
  • went with my daughter on a campus tour of her dream school, Brigham Young University (two short years away…if I think about it too long I will cry)
  • celebrated (mourned?) my baby’s 7th birthday (I will call him “my baby” no matter how old he gets)
  • prayed in gratitude for friends who do the work of angels (if you don’t have any, let me know…I can hook you up)
  • prayed for medical miracles (for both my dad and my step-dad)
  • turned 42 (yesterday…but I still don’t act feel like I am in my 40s)
  • gained 7 pounds (SEVEN!)

Today was the last day of the school year for my two boys. SUMMER! My daughter and I were finished last week but I have been looking forward to when we were all here – out of school – and without commitments to really start prioritizing me. Instead, I feel like I’m wandering around the house not sure of what I should do, afraid to eat anything that isn’t a vegetable, and the only “workout” that sounds good is going to the pool for a few hours with my boys.

Is there such a thing as an end-of-the-school-year-funk? Because I think I am in it.

Or maybe it’s an I-just-turned-42-and-still-haven’t-gotten-rid-of-this-weight-funk.

Either way, I’m trying to climb out of it.

I want to start logging my blood sugar levels regularly, keeping a food journal (Really? Do I?), and recording my workouts. Maybe the more appropriate thing to say is that I want to want to do all of that.

I’ve been in this weight loss battle before. I know how hard it is. I think that is what is holding me back from jumping in with both feet, ready for the icy plunge. I haven’t had a lot of success. How many times do I have to be unsuccessful before I just accept that I will always be fat? I don’t want to always be fat. I hate HATE this body. My dad’s health problems have given me a front row seat to my future if I cannot get a handle on this now!

In the New Testament, more than once, Paul preaches about finding strength in our weaknesses through Christ. Perhaps, many believe this only refers to a spiritual strength, but I believe that every weakness we have, whether it is a penchant for sweets or for shoplifting doesn’t matter, but all our weaknesses are an opportunity to lean on the Lord. He gave me this body as a gift. He has even given me guidelines on how to treat it. He has given me weakness so that I can learn to depend upon Him instead of on the hand of flesh (which is a fancy way of saying not to be a slave to physical cravings and desires).

I used to have a great love of Diet Coke. My body was dependent upon that cafffeine every single day. I didn’t really want to give it up. I loved my habit, but I knew it wasn’t good for me. I knew that I needed to follow the Lord’s counsel to not be addicted to anything. I needed to. I tried and gave up several times. Then something clicked and I stopped. Now it’s been about six years since I have had caffeine. I feel better and I don’t really miss it.

Part of me whispers that if I can replace my love of Diet Coke with a love of drinking water, then I can definitely make the sacrifices and changes I need to get rid of this weight. But it is a whisper and sometimes there are really loud doubts trying to get my attention, too.

I am going to trust in the Lord. Trust that He loves me, one of his spirit daughters, and that He will help me to find the strength I need to overcome my weaknesses, those weaknessess that keep me from getting rid of my fat. Prayer and scripture study is my goal for this week. If I rely on the Lord then everything else will come naturally.

Wish me luck…or better yet, I’d appreciate any prayers on my behalf.

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Love it, Hate it, Can I Live Without it?

I’m 41, married, a mother to three kids and I live in my own mom’s house. It didn’t happen on purpose and we’ve been here years (YEARS). Some days I have hope (or faith or both) that we’ll get our own home and others I feel stuck. Today is a stuck day. Don’t get me wrong. There are some great things about being here. This is not one of them…

She (Mom) came home from a weekend away for a family funeral and this is what was on the counter when I woke up. She cannot throw food away. It might be a physical impossibility for her. She loves treats, too, and no matter how often I ask her not to bring things like this home….she ignores me and does it anyway.

Oh my mother. How I love her. How she drives me crazy.

This isn’t a blog post to complain about my mother. It’s about all the dang sugar! I have given in to the sugar too much lately. I need a clean slate. I feel totally addicted. I choose easy, grabable (it’s a word), food filled with refined sugar to snack on, to replace an actual lunch, to fill me when I’m tired….need I go on?

I’m diabetic for crying out loud! Iwasn’t even eating candy a few months ago and now I don’t seem to know how to eat without it being something sweet. After seeing the many treats this morning I decided I need to go on a sugar fast. I don’t know for how long. I’m afraid to put a number on it and discourage myself so much that I give up before I start. So I’m doing it for today. Tomorrow is another day. I pray for the courage to stick to it tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

Thursdays Just Got A Little Better…

Hey everyone, I’m Autumn, I’m Amy’s little sister, so I’ve known AB and Rach forever, too… we’re pretty much family! ūüôā I’m so excited to be blogging on here¬†with these amazing ladies who have influenced my life for many, many years. I am excited to re-gain control of my health and feel good about myself again.
I am a busy Mom to 3 fun kiddos ages 12, 9, and 7 and work full-time as an office manager in a busy surgeons office. I have a lot going on at all times, but I try to do my best to juggle it all and stay sane!
My weight loss journey is a crazy one. 3 years and 1 month ago I made a life changing decision {when I weighed in at a whopping 312lbs} to go see a¬†surgeon about getting weight loss surgery. 3 years later {ok, it will be 3 years on the 16th} I lost over 100lbs in less than a year. I have told very few people my numbers so even saying what I weighed before makes me uncomfortable. I’m not yet to my stage where I’m ready to discuss my weight today, so I won’t bore you with that number! ūüėČ
A year and a half after my surgery I found out that my husband and I were expecting our first baby together. We had been trying for so long {I suffer from PCOS¬†and Endometriosys} we were so thrilled!! Sadly, 11 weeks into the pregnancy I miscarried. My world crashed and I gave up on pretty much everything, including my weight loss. Over the next 3 months I gained 40lbs. I ate everything and anything I wanted, thinking that it just didn’t matter anymore.¬†One day a patient where¬†I work {I now work for the surgeon who did my surgery} said to me, “Did your Lap Band stop working?” and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I decided that day {after crying to my co-worker over FroYo¬†;)} I needed to get back to basics and get my health into check. Since then¬† my weight has fluctuated but I am down about 25lbs of the 40 I gained. My ultimate goal is to lose 30 more lbs.
A few things you should know about me…¬†I get crazy obsessed with numbers,¬†and weigh every morning¬†{although, my husband would tell you that he’s caught me weighing every morning, before and after lunch, and once or twice before bed}.I set goals for myself on a daily basis because I get overwhelmed way too easily! I feel more self conscious¬†about myself now than I did at 312lbs. I love sugar and carbs, which we all know were created by Satan himself. I was getting up every morning at 5:15 to work out before getting my littles up and ready for school but Christmas break really put a damper on that¬†and am trying to get back into that daily habit.
I think that’s it… so here are my goals until next Thursday…
1. Work out 3 times {treadmill, bike ride, or P90X– I have a thing for Tony ūüôā }
2. Drink more water {refill my bottle at least 2x a day}
3. Plan ahead!!
4. No eating after 8
5. Go to bed earlier so I actually will wake up to work out!
K, so I’ll leave with a quote that my friend posted on New Years Day¬†that¬†gave me¬†some motivation,
“A year from now, you will have wished you started today”¬† ~Karen¬†Lamb
Have a good week, see ya next Thursday!!! ūüôā

Quick note to my daughter

I’m heading out the door to see a movie with my husband and I’m sure I’ll be too tired when I get home to write. And I’ve decided not to post my scale pictures/weight loss until 2012….gotta keep you guessing. Here’s the inner monologue I created earlier today:

Ems,

I was waiting for you in the parking lot at the high school today and saw what must’ve been a PE class¬†of girls jumping rope (for a while…like more than 3 minutes straight. bounce. bounce. bounce. My bladder hurt just watching). I had two simultaneous thoughts: 1 – ¬†I wish I could jump rope so easily and 2 – I never would’ve been in a high school PE class that required me to be so active. In high school I was happy to be in the generic “intermurals” class where our football coach/PE teacher never made girls participate. Well, maybe not “never”, but he was pretty lax. I had friends in an aerobics class (it was the 80s, ok?!) who would try to talk me into¬†switching into that class. I remember thinking they were nuts. Why would I want to sweat so much? Work so hard? I¬†had it made in the shade!

It’s been a while (no comments from the peanut gallery) since those days, but now I know why¬†my friends enjoyed that class. Exercise is good for you. While you are young (don’t roll your eyes at me, young lady) find exercises, activities, sports…active things that you enjoy. Find those things and integrate them into your life now. Don’t be like your mama (well, not in this way). Take advantage of the opportunities you have to learn new things that benefit you physically. Maybe I could have developed better habits. Maybe I wouldn’t be fighting this weight loss battle if I’d discovered that I enjoy exercise earlier. Do it for yourself…not just “because I said so”.

Don’t get fat, sweets. It sucks.

143 Mom

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