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I have been avoiding this blog.

I will say that I have been too busy. That I meant to blog but before I knew it, it was Monday and then Tuesday or Wednesday. Plus it wouldn’t be nice to take someone else’s day to blog. How rude! I meant to post, I really did, but it was so late…..yadda yadda yadda!

Truth is I was too ashamed. I hate my body! I hate my weight! I hate how I look! I hate the scale. I hate my clothes. I hate the mirror!  I hate how I feel! I. HATE. THIS!

I have lost all momentum. I have gained back all weight. I’m on more meds. I am back to the beginning. I keep deciding to start again only to find a reason I didn’t. I’m too tired to get up early and work out. I’m too busy during the day. I’ve never liked working out at the end of the day. I’ll eat better tomorrow. I get frustrated when I do workout because I am a slug. I think about what I use to be able to do and get depressed and then guess what? I don’t workout because it’s too depressing.

My big plan of looking amazing for my high school reunion next year is getting to be a distant memory. My idea of being below 200 by the summer is long gone. My desire to be off my meds and CPAP is replaced with more medication. I have avoided this blog because my motivation has not been there. What is there to write? Who wants to hear me say week after week that I did nothing? That my weight is up? That it is easier to sit here and eat ice cream than get up before 5am and sweat it out. It’s easier being fat and lazy. Food taste good. Why deprive myself of the goodness that is bread? Why get all stinky and sweaty and sore. Why get out of this comfy chair to get sore muscles and not be able to move? This is easier.

So why do this? Why write today? Why try again? Because, while this is easier, I hate it! I don’t want to live in sweats. I don’t want to reach for my fat pants. I want to be able to shop for clothes in normal sizes. I don’t want to be embarrassed by how I look. I want to turn my husband’s head. I want to live a long life.

We are going to try this again! I am! I am! I am!

Here.

I’ve started this blog post a hundred times in my head….maybe more. It’s been three weeks since I wrote anything. I’ve been mulling over what is next for me/weight loss and what changes I can make. Or maybe it has been more about what changes I am willing to make.

Anyway…haven’t figured that out yet.

Had a horrible week where I only worked out once, did not have healthy treats on hand so I ate everything. I even drove through the golden arches with my son and ordered something for myself. I was completely prepared for and expecting a 5 poundish gain. Instead…

 

I am pretty much in the same place I have stayed the last 4 weeks. Seriously?

That is so annoying. I mean…I probably should be grateful for the week of indulgence with no significant change in my weight. Instead I feel powerless. I bust my buns, eat really well and my weight stays the same. I spend a week fostering my unhealthy habits and my weight stays the same.

You know what else is annoying? Since I’m already in a mood I will tell you:

• Needing a belt to hold up your pants (to save money on buying new pants) and the largest belts at your first stop are not big enough. Thanks for raining on my parade, Target.
• How all clothing stores put “women” sizes (aka – fat lady) right next to maternity.
• 100 degree farenheit weather in OCTOBER!
• Teenager daughters…sometimes. (Other times they are super duper awesome…like right now when she is fixing my hair for a night out…while I type)
• Democrats. Republicans. Politicians.
• People who throw trash out their car windows. I actually saw someone do that this week. I thought we had evolved past littering. Don’t you remember the crying Indian Native American man?
• Having to pee in the middle of the night.

I need to stop before I get myself in a cranky mood since I am getting ready for a big birthday party. Can’t you tell by the way I’m writing my blog post?

My goal this week is to figure out what I’m really going to do to get out of this cranky weight loss rut. As I find answers I’ll do some bonus posts. Maybe I can redeem myself for the weeks of neglect.

Wish me luck.

 

I’m baaaaaack!!

   Yes, I have been on a hiatus the last few weeks, and for that I apologize. We had an incident happen, we have very appropriately named, “The Flood of 2012″. Let’s just say my entire downstairs is gutted at the moment, and we have been a bit preoccupied. LOL. Combine that with a not so friendly flu bug that decided to make itself at home and we were in a world of yuck. We are mucking through it, and recovering.

” It” happened to be the day I went to my bariatric surgeon to face the music of my less than stellar performance the last month. I was NOT given a pat on the back for surviving, but a lecture and 6 week appointment to make sure I hadn’t “fallen off the wagon” Why? I GAINED 4 stinking pounds since I had seen him last. UGH. I had dropped to my pit of despair eyeore mode, only to walk in the door to two inches of water covering everything. Yay me.

Weighing in that day was an eye opener for me, and the flood made me aware of my less than active lifestyle. BOTH of which needed to change. Monday, yes two days ago, I took the steps I needed to push me back into where I belonged. I found my walking feet again. There is a trail outside of post that is beautiful. Because of the rain last week, it had been too muddy to attempt..until now. I grabbed my trusty jogging stroller and walking buddy Cwynn and headed out. The goal: 2 miles. What surprised me…I actually ended up doing 4.25 miles…and it felt GREAT!!! I mean, absolutely-this -is-what-I-had-been-missing phenomenal!!! Needless to say, I replayed the event yesterday…only this time I RAN the first 3/4 of a mile. Me + running have never really been a compatible duo. I have always been WAY to endowed up top, and it was uncomfortable. I still have my girls…just a smaller version now. LOL. Apparently that is all that was needed. I didn’t go the entire 4 miles. However I did go 2.5 and it again was great!!

 Now, on to the amazing part. I weighed this morning. Not expecting much, but hoping for the best.Ask and ye shall receive. My NEW WEIGHT: 236.2. Yes siree..I not only lost the new weight gain, I also said goodbye to the hovering number that had been haunting me for so long. Hooray!! Totally excited, motivated and ready for some more booty kicking!!

  At first, I let myself get swallowed up in the lecture, weight gain and flood..it literally opened up a lot more flood gates than I realized. I allowed it to envelop me, it marinated awhile and I let it stay. Now..eyes are open, mind and body are aware of what needs to be done. The goal is to go after it..and keep going after it until I have reached it. Where has this girl been the last few months?? I have missed her, and would really like the new me to stick around for a long time to come. More walking? YES PLEASE!!!!

I got nuthin’

It is a running joke in my house. My son was telling us about his day and he replied, “I got nuthin'”. So, sad as it seems my weightloss blogging compadres…”I got nuthin!” I have had a crazy sick-child infested week, and I am totally burnt out. We are all entitled to “those days” and I am calling mine in.

I will be back next week..same time, same place..with a better attitude and outlook. For now, I will go with one of my favorite quotes from a  Disney movie…

                                                            “Giving up is for rookies!!”

                                                                         ~Hercules

Sleeping Beauty

Do you realize how important sleep is? We have seen it mentioned time and again in this blog, in fitness articles, even TV shows tell you to get enough sleep. Do you know why? I didn’t until very recently.

Last month, after some convincing, I went to see my doctor. I had been working out faithfully for a year and a half and seeing very little results. Last summer I even increased my output by starting one of those beginner running programs and planned on doing the Turkey Trot 5k. Still not much happening except sore shins and a torn meniscus. I felt better, more stamina and was actually running more than walking. Something I had never in my life been able to do, but still the weight was painfully slow in coming off. At work one night, dear hubby was talking with the doctors about me and the consensus was that I should seek medical help. I fit the symptoms of someone with thyroid problems. The weight issues, I had become sensitive to cold, increase in depression and I was tired all the time. It was starting to be scary tired, trying to not fall asleep driving tired. I made the appointment.

I got the same skeptical questioning I have gotten from others, even on here. “Are you sure you aren’t eating more than you say?” “Are you really working out that hard?” He ordered some tests with a side remark that if I really was working out my tests would show it. He called me personally to give me the results which included a 40+ drop in cholesterol! Everything was perfect. He even said  “You are obviously doing what you say.” The extreme tiredness was worrisome though and a sleep study was ordered. I did that 10 days ago and it was miserable! My results came in on Friday and it turns out I have sleep apnea. I now must see a specialist and decide on treatment. Did you know that it is one of the most undiagnosed conditions and can affect anyone? A 6-year-old was being tested the same time I was and people who do not snore, like me, can have it too. (I’m not just saying that either. The test shows if you snore!)

I have learned a lot about how sleep affects weight even if you do not have sleep apnea. A woman needs about 7 hours of sleep for health. Weight changes, especially weight gain, are common sleep deprivation effects. The amount and quality of sleep affects hormone levels, particularly levels of leptin and ghrelin, which in turn affect physiological processes that depend on these hormone levels.

Leptin is a hormone that affects feelings of fullness and satisfaction after a meal, and ghrelin is a hormone that stimulates appetite. When people suffer from sleep deprivation, levels of leptin fall and ghrelin levels increase. This means that people end up feeling hungrier and may be less satisfied by eating, causing them to eat more and, consequently, gain weight. . When we don’t have enough sleep, our energy is very low. This can trick the brain into thinking it requires more food to replenish our energy stores. So we tend to eat more. Not only that we tend to crave high energy foods such as ice cream, cakes or sugar laden soft drinks.

To make matters worse, the effects of sleep deprivation can lessen the body’s ability to process glucose efficiently leading to an increased tendency to put on weight. This could also lead to an increased risk of diabetes. Lack of sleep also produce higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol and lower the metabolic rate which means we burn fewer calories.

That’s not even to mention what sleep deprivation does to our moods and depression levels. If there is a choice between hitting the gym and getting an extra hour of sleep, doctors would tell you to go to bed earlier and get both, but if there was no other option, sleep is more important. Get the sleep and work minutes of exercise into your day. Take the stairs, park farther away, go for a walk after lunch, calf raises while brushing your teeth or squats while putting dishes in the washer. It is very important to get enough sleep so all your other hard work and sacrifice pay off to the highest levels.

 

Ok, off my soap box and on to how I did this week. Well, my grand plan for diet and exercise while the family was away turned into more meetings than planned, waiting in lines in government buildings in the free time I did have and just not be very motivated. I got in 1, ONE, workout and gave in to temptation a little more than I should have. There was one difference though. Without anyone else to keep me going I found myself falling asleep early and only once did I not go to bed before 10pm. I can not say that it was quality sleep, but it was quantity. I was worried when I had my official weigh-in on Friday and had resigned myself to seeing a bigger number. Not only did I lose the weight I had gained last week, but I lost on top of that for a total of 3.8lbs. Yeah! Crazy I know, but I will take it.

The family is back so are schedules and routines. I hear the gym calling loud and clear for tomorrow morning and I will greet it happily with a little motivation of the scale going down pushing me and the thought that if I can get everything working together, diet, exercise and treatment for quality sleep, I could really see some big changes this year! Sweet Dreams!

Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.

John Adams

Giving Thanks.

   I have been having a very, glass half empty, last couple of days. My brain seems to be triggering the things I haven’t accomplished..and sending me spiraling into the “yucky place”. You know the spot. It’s where you justify eating badly, crying at the drop of a hat, and being all around moody. That would be me. However, in the past, I wouldn’t even acknowledge I was going there..I would just allow the doldrums to take over and come what may. This morning, after realizing I was crying for truly no great reason…I picked my butt up, and decided enough was enough.

You are probably thinking, sheesh..”your husband just got home two weeks ago, why aren’t you happy???” Let’s just say, war is Heck on those that experience it..and those they come home to. We are readjusting, and it takes time. Fortunately I have wonderful friends that have been through this, and are here for me…even if it is just to vent. I love my husband and I love that he is a Soldier. The baby steps continue. LOL.

   So, I am going to attempt (hey, I am not perfect..I am predicting slip ups. LOL) to be THANKFUL for what I have already accomplished. I am grateful for this journey, because it is letting me re- acquaint myself with the me I never knew I was missing( I swear in my head that made sense), but I really like her. I don’t cringe (as much) at pictures I see of myself, which for those that know me, understand that is a BIG deal. I love that the “small size” jeans I wore to his homecoming, are becoming loose on me. I am thankful that I have a fantastic support system that tells me to look at the positives, and not the BIG picture, because it will motivate me to keep going. Such wonderful advice. My body is not as young as it used to be, and the aches and pains don’t go away as fast as they used to. I am thankful that I have a body that is, for the most part, healthy enough to allow me to continue. Oh, and I still LOVE my hands, just sayin’…they are my skinny area, and I enjoy being able to slip my bracelet off without unclasping it and how my rings twirl around because they are loose. LOL. Losing weight has definitely been my focus these past months, and I forget that it is not the only thing interesting about my life sometimes. I have an AMAZINGLY sexy, awesome, wonderful man who I have the privilege of calling my husband. He loves me, that has never wavered, and at times I am in awe that I am on the receiving end of such a gift. Our love has blessed us with four beautiful and equally amazing kids that warm my heart. They are also some of my biggest cheerleaders, and I am extremely thankful for that!

    It is also Veteran’s Day this week, and a friend shared something with me on FB, that I have included below. All my struggles, all my stress, and even my tears are gifts. They remind me that I am still here. That I have opportunities and choices because of brave men and women who stood up and fought FOR ME. No, I didn’t post awesome numbers and amazing stories of weight loss wonderment this week…I shared me. And, when it comes down to it, that is who I am trying to get to know most of all. Have a great week. Be thankful. Remember that we all struggle…it is how we conquer those struggles and move on that makes us amazing!!

Resolve

My jeans were falling off my bum today. Nice problem to have, but I like these jeans. When I was commenting on it (not complaining) my husband said, “Well then stop….wait. Never mind. Don’t stop.” I thought it was sweet. If you’ve never met my husband let me introduce you…

Cute, right?! I’m a lucky girl. He is a very good husband, too. Perhaps you noticed he looks kinda skinny. He’s got great genes (and he looks good in his jeans). He has made me feel loved and beautiful nearly every day we have been married. He’s supported me when I have tried to lose weight before and not said a word when things didn’t go well…or ended abruptly. He has given me the space to make my decisions, and loved me no matter what.

I really do feel blessed, because I know that isn’t always the case for women. A friend told me in confidence this week that her husband said it was time for her to lose weight. {crickets} I’m sure it was said in love, but the sting of it…hard to recover from. I’m obstinate. I think that is why Heavenly Father gave me my husband. If my hubs said that to me I might’ve gone out and eaten a cheesecake to spite him. That’s not healthy…in any sense of the word. But the truth of it is if you are going to lose weight it has to be your decision. For some of us, it’s hard to make that decision…again. We’ve made the decision before with little or no success. Why would we want to put ourselves through it AGAIN?!

I have one good answer: because you CAN lose the weight (all of it). You CAN get healthy. You CAN look seriously hot in a nice pair of jeans….or boots…or dress…or whatever you wanna look hot in. What is stopping you? Tell me and I will join your support group to help you overcome that obstacle(s).

Why do I believe that you can? Because I gained a half a pound this week. Maybe it was PMS or muscle weight (my bum is seriously sore from this week’s workouts) or maybe its my lack of time which translated into too much eating out. No matter the reason, I did not give up. I (most nights) got a good night sleep. I still did not eat candy. I got 3 workouts in. I will not let that half a pound phase me. Not even a little. It may even have increased my resolve to work harder this week and make sure the scale is in my favor next Friday.

I believe you can because weight loss isn’t just about success. Real weight loss, the kind I’m trying to achieve this time (The time. My time) real weight loss comes from not giving up, from overcoming the obstacles, from Resolve.  Do you have it?

My resolve this week will be focused on better planning my family meals. No drive-thrus. We may “have to” go out to celebrate my handsome hub’s promotion (woot! woot!), but that can still be healthy. I resolve to take at least one day to go walking/jogging/running. It will mostly be walking, but I want to work up to a run…in addition to my regular workout class I attend.

Wish me luck!…and I’ll wish the same for you!

Best laid plans…

It  is hard to come to the reality that you don’t have it all together.  I am an organizer (except for my home…don’t go checking too hard around there)  I like to be helpful, especially to my family and friends.  What is hard for me is to realize that I need as much help or more.  I have been in denial for a long time.

I thought I was so helpful going to nutrition classes with my mom -even if I was officially considered obese by my doctor.  It was just a minor thing…something easy to fix.  I actually did really well for a while and then for a reason I don’t know, I just stopped trying, stopped eating right, stopped exercising and then was somehow surprised when I found myself 30 pounds heavier and no end in sight.

Then my friend, my very best friend, sent me an email that I briefly glanced at and ignored because I didn’t want to face reality that I really needed help.  I was unhappy, unhealthy, and didn’t really care.  I’ve been fighting depression for years; not the suicidal type of depression – haven’t gotten there since my teenage years, but still, I just get really down.  Recently, that has been me…down.  Down on myself for getting to where I am now, down on myself for backing off on my plans, down on myself for not keeping all the balls I’m juggling up in the air.  Just down.  I’m realizing that I just expect too much of myself.  I’m not doing anything well…school, Awana, home…all is just so-so.  I’m not happy with so-so.  I’m an over achiever.  Do it great!  Do it right!  How do you change your mentality?  I’m not sure.

When I’m down, I notice way too many things that keep me down.  6 months ago or so my husband stopped looking at me.  I’m not saying he never looks at me, I’m just saying that when I’m getting dressed or getting out of the shower, he no longer sneaks a peak or makes any kind of comment that has been typical of him for years.  It hurts me deep…mostly because it’s all my fault.  I mean, who would want to look at what I’ve let myself become this past year.  Please don’t think I’m bashing my husband.  He’s a wonderful, kind, affirming man who truly loves me.  I don’t even think he knows the change…

I have great plans to change.  I draw out a plan and then for a while I keep up, I am so organized…for a while.  Life throws me a change and then I lose my concentration and off I go…

My goal was to be down 8 lbs by the end of the month….for our cruise.  I was hoping I would fit into some of my clothes again…well, those pounds didn’t come off the same place I put them on, so my body is not cooperating with my plan.  I am now 172.5 lbs.  Started at 181.5 so I’m down 9 pounds.  I have another week before we go…and I did awesome on reaching my goals… I should be celebrating, right?!

OK, let’s see what I can do this week…maybe there’s still hope in fitting into something nicer than the 3-4 pair of shorts I wear over and over not wanting to put any more money into a size I don’t want to be wearing.  Maybe doing a little more exercise would be a good place to start, eh?!

This week I haven’t hardly exercised. At the beginning of the week, I golfed and swam but being away from home, away from the routine I’d been working on, I just didn’t plan enough to work out a change for my exercise routine.  It’s been almost a week since we’ve been back home and my routine fell completely apart. I golfed again on Sunday; a nice time with just my hubby.  I’m trying something different this time… This time, I’m trying to catch myself before I fall too far.  I’m trying.  That’s where I am today folks, trying…starting by making plans for the rest of the week.

Thanks for listening to me ramble on tonight…