Roller coaster ride.

Emotions are a crazy ride!!

So this is it. Next Sunday I will be post race.

I am glad that this is a VERY busy week for me and will not give me much time to think about what is coming on Saturday. This is a really good thing since this past week has been ridiculous!

So I left Sunday vowing to get a better attitude about this race. I started strong Monday until that night. It went something like this…

Girl has a puppy.

Puppy gets a hold of shoe.

Girl chases puppy.

Puppy zigs, girl zigs, knee zags!

Sharp, intense pain! The rest of the night spent with ice, elevation and hardly being able to walk. Seriously! Now? When I am just starting to get a good attitude about the race.

I got up Tuesday able to move, but with pain. I decided to try to walk it out. Two easy miles in the morning and two at night. Wednesday I was feeling better. Kept it a little easier  again and was feeling optimistic.

Thursday the race coordinators sent out some info and found out that it was decided to change the course (harder, little longer) and stop giving out info on the obstacles. They thought it would be so much better to step up to the starting line and have the anticipation of not knowing what lay ahead. Um NO! I am a planner. I plan out our vacations. Right down to the order we go on rides at Disney. It’s a sickness I know! I need to know what I am in for. Yes, I psyche myself out but I also try to figure out how I am going to do it. I was not digging this! Then I saw AB’s sneaky post from the night before. Such a great movie and I had totally forgotten about that scene. Sooooo needed that!  I announced to hubby when he got home from work that I knew how to get through the course….. BLINDFOLDED! I explained where my epiphany came from and he remembered the scene. It worked so well for the death crawl, it would work for me! He told me I was crazy and that I would not be blindfolded. I tried to tell him what a great test of trust in a marriage it would be and how good it could be for our relationship, but he wasn’t having it. Harrumph! Oh well!

I did feel better though. We are stronger than we think. More capable than we know!

Since I tried to take it easy this past week, I decided to do a 5k this morning. The rest of the week will be quiet from lack of time and wanting to be ready for Saturday. I chose the hilliest route I could. There is such a difference between the hills on a treadmill or elliptical and the real earthen kind. My knee was aching and I ran less than half of it. At one point I was crying. Not from pain but because my husband will be doing this race with me. I will be holding him back. The man’s legs come to my waist. Just walking with me is slow for his strides. Then there are the obstacles. I do not want to fail in front of him. He’s been taking notice lately of my efforts and telling me how proud he is. Honestly, it’s putting more pressure on me for this race. I am nowhere near as in shape as I want to be even though it is tons more than where I was. I really just want to tell him to do his thing and I will find him at the finish line. I am so afraid that he is just going to be embarrassed as I struggle on a wall, cargo net, up a hill and whatever other insanity there is. I don’t want to let him down.

I am such a mess.

When I signed up for the race I thought how great it would be if I could be below 220 for the race. It was a lofty goal for the time frame and I didn’t really think I could hit it. I just thought how nice it would be. I weighed myself three times today. Hubby thought it was because the scale was not my friend. I just couldn’t believe what it said. All three times it was the same 219.8! I am holding onto that achievement and hoping it helps propel me forward past my fears this week.

Maybe I will have some pictures to show next week of my spa day at the mud pits. LOL!

One foot in front of the other ladies (and gents), keep moving forward!

Why am I here?!

Have you ever been in an unhealthy relationship? When I was in college I dated a guy that I thought was The One. In our short relationship we’d even talked about how many kids we were going to have and where we would live. *sigh* Young (misguided) love. It took some years to get perspective to realize that when we had a fight and I ran to the mall to charge up my credit cards – which he hated – that it was not the best outlet for frustration and anger. I was literally paying for it years later.

Now I have an unhealthy relationship with the scale, because when it tells me I’ve gained 2 lbs in a week where I worked my tush hardcore doing 4 super sweaty workouts…then I want to go to See’s Candy, use my gift certificate for a pound of candy and E!N!J!O!Y! 

 

Well, maybe it’s more of a fairweather friend relationship, because when the scale shows I’ve lost I speak kindly to it, put it away more gently, and look forward to our next meeting. Right now I just want to throw it down the stairs. Yet, I’m reminded of that old saying “Don’t shoot the messenger!” It’s not the scale’s fault. Plus eating the pound of candy will cause me to pay and won’t really effect the scale (except when I throw it back in its spot and call it names).

So. With an attempt at humility I am willing to admit that getting exercise is not my problem.

I need to pay more attention and be more deliberate about my eating habits. Gah! It’s so hard and one of the things I HATE to do.

Even after seeing the nutritionist in May (or was it April) I still have not made a plan or checked my blood sugars or tried to be sure I was following her guidelines. I knew what she was telling me was right and good and would benefit me. It’s. Just. So. Hard. (Yes, I’m totally whining)

I think this is the point where I need some reminders about why I am doing this whole blog and getting outside my comfort zone and doing crazy things like being the fattest person in spin class. Here’s the list I came up with earlier this week. WARNING: I did not hold back. Some of these are kind of personal reasons, but I suppose if you are here reading you are not someone who gets uncomfortable with TMI. In no particular order…

• I want to look the way I feel
• I need to be able to keep up with/chase down my youngest child. He is 6 and quite fast
• I want to be a good example to my teenage daughter
• I want to feel more sexy
• CUTER CLOTHES OPTIONS!!!
• I want to control my diabetes and get off the meds
• GET HEALTHY!
• Live longer
• If we get these same bodies in the hereafter….I really want to look good in the eternities and not kick myself everyday for getting stuck with a fat suit.
• I don’t want to be self-conscious and/or wonder what others are thinking when they see me, especially next to my husband who is in good shape…and looks like he’s 27 (but that’s another problem all together)
• Be comfortable on amusement park rides
• Live the Word of Wisdom strictly (it’s a Mormon thing. click the link for a better understanding)

I think that is a good list for now. I’m sure my list will evolve throughout this journey. I hate using that word “journey” because it is so overused lately. But I’m not sure what else to call this attempt at reaching my long-term goal while sharing my experiences in writing. If you have a better word…share.

This week, unlike the girl from Oklahoma, I want to be the girl who CAN say “No” (or even “No, thank you”).  I also need to dig out my paperwork from my visit with the nutritionist. Her advice and guidelines will help me balance my glucose levels and get back on the losing weight track! Well, her advice and continuing to go to spin class.

Wish me luck!

 

Summer Time

I know I haven’t been on here in FOREVER but it’s the summer time and me and mine are B-U-S-Y!

Not to mention, Amy is here with her 4 cute little ones, so we are busy having fun!!

Promise to catch up soon! Oh, and btw! Amy looks Ah-may-zing! So proud of my sis-wu!

 

Have  a great rest of the summer! There’s only 2 weeks left until my littles are back in school! But we all know the heat in AZ is here for at least 3 more months!

 

XOXO,

Autumn

My Very Best

Last weekend my husband rented three movies. I think he was trying to make up for all the weekends during the school year when I said I had homework and I couldn’t watch movies. He’s awesome like that. Facing the Giants was my favorite of the weekend. It’s from the genre of Christian films like Fireproof (which I still haven’t seen). This scene in particular moved me…

This is one of the things that motivated me to try and write every day this week (It just turned midnight, so I’m cheating on my Wednesday post by just a few minutes). I have not been giving my weight loss goals my very best. Have not. It’s not even my very best since starting this blog. Last fall I practically stopped drinking soda and had major willpower over treats and desserts. Lately, I have given in to both more often than not. I am recommitting myself to avoid soda – even the caffeine free Diet Dr Pepper and I am going to work hard and make conscious choices about desserts both at home and out (baby showers, get togethers, whatever!).

I’ve also been pushing myself in my workouts. I sweat more – which in my mind is the fat melting away and coming out my pores. (Is that too graphic/gross/TMI?) And I’m trying to fit more than 2 or 3 in each week. This week I’ve already done 3 and it’s Wednesday! Well, Wednesday-ish. I’m heading to bed now…again….since last time I was there I realized I hadn’t posted yet today.

Thanks for keeping me accountable, playing the role of coach, and caring enough to read my blog. Tomorrow’s workout is going to be at the pool and I have no menu plans yet.

Wish me luck!

How do you measure success?

Being a part of this blog has helped to figure out why I do some things I do. Having to be honest about food, workouts and even posting my weight has been enlightening.

Something occurred to me this past week. I do not consider myself as being successful even when the scale is going down or my pants are falling off or lifting my preschooler has gotten much easier. No, it’s not a success until someone else notices the changes. 

I wait and hope for my husband to say something. Friends, family, coworkers, validation from somewhere external. Is that vain. I can’t decide. I just feel like it doesn’t matter how much I sweat if it isn’t a visible change obvious to others than I am not on the right track. I want to be doing such a good job at getting  fit that people have to ask for my “secret.” Don’t we all do that? See someone who has lost a lot of weight and our first thought is, “How did they do it?” I’ve certainly asked it. It would be great for someone to ask me that.

Over the last week-week and a half I have seen friends that I haven’t seen since May or early June and I got some confirmation that I am on the right track. Hubby has been paying a little more attention to me, especially getting undressed. TMI I know but come on, you ladies know how much that can mean to us. The best was a coworker whose jaw dropped when I saw him over the weekend. I’ve gotten a new cut and color as well as not seeing him since  the end of May. He told me he couldn’t stop staring when I came in. From a gay man, it was a high compliment. At least until I showed him a picture from my vacay with my hubby and he then went on about what a “hottie” my man is. Sigh! He is adorable. Hands Off he’s mine! LOL

It’s was a bit of an eye opener. I was seeing changes and the scale has been my friend(as of today I am down another 2.8lbs!) but I was still frustrated. I know why now.  Shouldn’t it be enough to see the changes for ourselves?

So what’s your measurement for weight loss success? Is it more motivating when others start to notice your loss?

 

Just Peachy

My husband is originally from Colorado. Near his hometown they hold the Palisade Peach Festival every year. Somehow we have never visited during the festival. Maybe it has something to do with the August heat and my in-laws not having air conditioning. I almost want to brave the heat, because I love peaches. Love them!

This is my favorite summer salad recipe. A distant but close cousin made it for us during a visit once. Some friends brought us a big box of peaches from their tree last week, so of course I made this salad. I took a picture to show it to you, but…it kinda looked like puke.

I promise it is super yummy!

Carma’s Peachy Salad

dressing

1/3 c – mayo (go ahead and use something super healthy like greek yogurt if you need to)

2 T – milk

1/2 t – salt

1/4 t – pepper

1/2 t – dried tarragon (or 1t fresh)

salad

2 1/2 c – cubed cooked chicken (if I cook it I season it with tarragon, too, but those roasted grocery store chickens work well)

1 c – red, seedless grapes cut in half

1 c – frozen peas

2 lg – peaches, peeled & cubed (I use more)

1 c – pecans halved (I chop mine up a bit)

If you want to be really super, uber healthy then you can serve it in a bowl lined with lettuce. Since I have diabetes I am trying to cut back on my carbs or eat more carbs from fruits instead of grains. This helps me do that easily! And…and there is no cheese in it. Every other salad I love has some sort of cheese in it. Cheese = fat.

I’m looking for a movie clip to share with you tomorrow (something to look forward to)…

Wish me luck!

 

I smell bad…and I earned it

I know I didn’t show up/post on Friday, but i was thinking about it. I’ve started my list of why I am motivated to lose this weight. I’ll share it later this week. BTW-since my bloggy friends seem to have jumped ship lately I am going to try to post something everyday this week.

I went to my second spin class this morning. I managed to be on the bike for the whole time, too! Walking out of that class I noticed that even the most fit people were dripping sweat. My little rag had no dry spots left on it and in the middle of the workout I looked at my hands and thought, “I didn’t know the back of my hands COULD sweat.” Seriously good workout.

Then I went to 3 different grocery stores in my quest for the best deals. It wasn’t until I got home that I realized I smell bad. So if you stood behind me in a line or too close to me in the produce section today…SORRY!

Well… I’m not sorry that I smell bad. The workout was totally worth it. But I am sorry if my stench invaded your dance space.

Hope you are as excited as I am to get back to the task at hand (losing weight…or reading about me doing it…). Time to shake off the lazy summer and get to work!

Wish me luck!

The Lone Ranger had Tonto….

Starting to feel a little lonely on here.  Calling all weight-loss warriors!!! Changing your lifestyle is so much easier with help from others. I hope this blog doesn’t fade into the sunset. It has been such a help for me. I guess I will just keep sending my thoughts out into cyberspace if for nothing else than a chronicle for me.

Colorado is usually referred to by us lucky to live here as “God’s Country.” It’s been just stressful lately. When we’re not burning to the ground, we’re killing each other in movie theaters. Coupled with PMS week and a dear friend in crisis, I had some bad meals. I have to take my own advice and remember the next meal, day, is a chance to make a better choice. I just maintained this week. I say that like it is a bad thing. It shouldn’t be. It’s better than gaining, right! I still feel crappy about not losing.

I have 13 days until my mud run. To say I am starting to freak out is an understatement! The organizers are starting to post pics of the obstacles as they are finished building them. Do you see those dots on the right side? Those are cars people!

Cargo net up a cliff face, a mud pit that is crossed on a line of tireswings, canyon traverse on ropes, the “gauntlet!” What in tarnations did I get myself into? I was a little worried when I first signed up and saw it was being held at an off-road park out in the boonies. Off-road parks are all hills otherwise they aren’t fun but add in …….

          

Ok the slide looks like it might be fun, but good gravy I don’t know if I can handle the other 18 obstacles. They seem to like making things with tires!

It’s not just doubts but I am in pain. As I have ramped up the workouts my knee and hip joints are killing me. Point of tears for hours later pain. I have starting taking glucosimine(sp?) to try to help. Hubby has decided to do it with me which is a mixed bag of emotions. But he said even if we walk the whole thing it will be ok. I wanted to do this to have something to show for my hard work. To be able to say “I did that!” To hopefully motivate my kids. “Hey, if my overweight mom can do THAT, I can get/be in shape too.”

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the race FB page had this posted today.

Big Dog Brag

3 hours ago

If you have been thinking about whether you can do the BIGDOG or not….Henry had some good advice!

WHETHER YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN DO A THING OR NOT…YOU ARE RIGHT!!! Henry Ford

 

Well played Big Dog, well played!

So let’s try this again… I have 13 days until my race! WooooooHoooooo! Can’t wait! Okay that last bit was said sarcastically but maybe in 12 days it won’t be! I hate mud! I need to change that attitude too. LOL!

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming……

I was thinking this morning how I didn’t see a post from AB and was wondering how she was doing. Then I felt guilty about posting after reading hers. I remembered how it was not so long ago my posts sounded just like hers. I could have written it just a couple months ago. I know how hard it is to not give up, pour gravy over everything, butter a huge roll and scarf it down. I love me some carbs!

I’ll admit it was a little hard to come on here and read the success of the other ladies when I was sucking, but occasionally someone would have an “off” week. Those posts helped so much more than the others. It was encouraging that others did struggle. It wasn’t easy for everyone else. We are all human and fighting the same self defeating ideas. It helped me keep going and it is only because  of watching you ladies pick yourself up and get back on track that I didn’t just curl into the fetal position and say “It can’t be done!”

I know it is hard and what you are going through. I am not just saying that. I KNOW!  And although I have been blessed to have a string of good posts and yes I have lost weight again this week, I also know that I can be right back where I was in a heartbeat.

I have gotten to a place where I have stopped beating myself up for having a bad meal, day, week. Tomorrow is a chance to start again. You can’t change what has already been, but you can choose to make the next meal, day, week a good one and just keep moving forward.

Once Upon A Time…

I had this grand idea that if I became a blogger it would make losing weight fun, exciting, and practically easy. Combining something that I love (writing) with something that is hard for me (losing weight) was supposed to be a magical formula.

Wrong.

I gained weight this week.

Again.

I didn’t post Friday (when I’m “supposed” to post) because I could not have cared any less about blogging or weight loss. I sweated this week, serious work my fat off sweat…and not just because we had a few strange-for-L.A. humid days. I zumba-ed, swam, walked, and cardio/weight trained with effort!

But then again…

The week before I did a lot of sitting and enjoying of this scenery whilst beach camping:

I may have indulged myself a time or two in the last two weeks on less than healthy foods. I maybe even ate some candy which means I totally broke my promise to myself to not eat candy until I hit…whatever the goal was. It’s been so long that I’ve forgotten the exact goal. And all I’ve done is gain weight lately. I said at the beginning of this that feeling fat is not a motivator.

Gaining weight when you are trying to lose is not a motivator either. It makes me want to eat the entire carton of mint chocolate chip ice cream in my freezer.

Did you know that tomorrow (3rd Sunday of July) is National Ice Cream Day? I’d like to say that I’m going to have one single scoop, but I think that’s how my indulgences/overindulgence begin…with permission for a “special” treat and then it carries over to the next thing because I’ve already allowed myself other yumminess.

*sigh*

In theory, I know how I should eat and what I should eat. Why is it so difficult in practice?! I love to exercise and to find different forms of exercise to try (especially if it doesn’t aggravate my plantar fasciitis). It’s the food I can’t seem to get a handle on…at least this week it is.

Usually I am much more optimistic. I need to turn this whole thing around and find a way to start again! First thing on my agenda is to make a list of things that DO motivate me in my quest to lose weight/feel happy & comfortable in my body.

Can I really do this? Do I have the willpower? Some days I am not so sure, but I do know one thing. I do not want to give up. I am not ready to give in to the fat. I hate it. It makes me self-conscious all the time. The alternative is to reinvent, to figure out what I CAN do to accomplish my goal.

I want my happy ending.

Wish me luck!