Why am I here?!

Have you ever been in an unhealthy relationship? When I was in college I dated a guy that I thought was The One. In our short relationship we’d even talked about how many kids we were going to have and where we would live. *sigh* Young (misguided) love. It took some years to get perspective to realize that when we had a fight and I ran to the mall to charge up my credit cards – which he hated – that it was not the best outlet for frustration and anger. I was literally paying for it years later.

Now I have an unhealthy relationship with the scale, because when it tells me I’ve gained 2 lbs in a week where I worked my tush hardcore doing 4 super sweaty workouts…then I want to go to See’s Candy, use my gift certificate for a pound of candy and E!N!J!O!Y! 

 

Well, maybe it’s more of a fairweather friend relationship, because when the scale shows I’ve lost I speak kindly to it, put it away more gently, and look forward to our next meeting. Right now I just want to throw it down the stairs. Yet, I’m reminded of that old saying “Don’t shoot the messenger!” It’s not the scale’s fault. Plus eating the pound of candy will cause me to pay and won’t really effect the scale (except when I throw it back in its spot and call it names).

So. With an attempt at humility I am willing to admit that getting exercise is not my problem.

I need to pay more attention and be more deliberate about my eating habits. Gah! It’s so hard and one of the things I HATE to do.

Even after seeing the nutritionist in May (or was it April) I still have not made a plan or checked my blood sugars or tried to be sure I was following her guidelines. I knew what she was telling me was right and good and would benefit me. It’s. Just. So. Hard. (Yes, I’m totally whining)

I think this is the point where I need some reminders about why I am doing this whole blog and getting outside my comfort zone and doing crazy things like being the fattest person in spin class. Here’s the list I came up with earlier this week. WARNING: I did not hold back. Some of these are kind of personal reasons, but I suppose if you are here reading you are not someone who gets uncomfortable with TMI. In no particular order…

  • I want to look the way I feel
  • I need to be able to keep up with/chase down my youngest child. He is 6 and quite fast
  • I want to be a good example to my teenage daughter
  • I want to feel more sexy
  • CUTER CLOTHES OPTIONS!!!
  • I want to control my diabetes and get off the meds
  • GET HEALTHY!
  • Live longer
  • If we get these same bodies in the hereafter….I really want to look good in the eternities and not kick myself everyday for getting stuck with a fat suit.
  • I don’t want to be self-conscious and/or wonder what others are thinking when they see me, especially next to my husband who is in good shape…and looks like he’s 27 (but that’s another problem all together)
  • Be comfortable on amusement park rides
  • Live the Word of Wisdom strictly (it’s a Mormon thing. click the link for a better understanding)

I think that is a good list for now. I’m sure my list will evolve throughout this journey. I hate using that word “journey” because it is so overused lately. But I’m not sure what else to call this attempt at reaching my long-term goal while sharing my experiences in writing. If you have a better word…share.

This week, unlike the girl from Oklahoma, I want to be the girl who CAN say “No” (or even “No, thank you”).  I also need to dig out my paperwork from my visit with the nutritionist. Her advice and guidelines will help me balance my glucose levels and get back on the losing weight track! Well, her advice and continuing to go to spin class.

Wish me luck!

 

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Posted on July 28, 2012, in AB and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Sometimes I feel more like its a saga than a journey.

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