Author Archives: Kris

Who is this?

Kris? Who in tar-nations is Kris?

Yeah, ok it’s been awhile. Alright, a long while.

So what have I been up to?

Whelping 10 puppies.              Planning a community outreach event for our church. Over 500 people came.

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Having another sleep study, changing meds, fighting with insurance, being frustrated!

Graduating my oldest from high school.

Dealing with a family member dying and hubby going to TN to help take care of him.

Hubby going to the night shift and becoming like a single parent again.

Living life.

And getting FAT!

It’s like I never lost weight. It’s all back and I hate it!

Going into this month, my boss (pastor) came to me asking if I would be interested in a gym membership. There was an opportunity to get a corporate rate at his gym. They needed 5 and after he and his wife, the worship pastor and his wife, they needed one more. I’m not sure what reaction he was expecting, I think he just asked me out of courtesy, but the look of surprise was unmistakable as I blurted out “YES!” without any hesitation at all.

It’s conveniently located blocks from work (the church) and they have great machines. The locker room is the nicest I’ve seen in a gym with a changing room, so insecure people like me can get dressed. Although, I have been the only one in the locker room every time I have been there so far.  What I don’t like is the check-in.

It’s an easy tag on my key ring that I just scan and go on my way. On a computer screen pops up my picture and a lovely “Hello Kris” greeting. Under it though, are the mocking words, “This is your 4th time here.”

Thank You, Thank You very much for reminding me how hard it is to get back in the habit. That I’ve had the membership almost a month and have only made it there 4 times. That 4 times is not enough to see results. I feel like it laughs at me when I check in. Four is better than none though right? The important thing is that I am there. (I have to keep telling myself that!)

The first visit was brutal. Half hour of cardio was not happening, it still isn’t but it’s getting easier. Today I even tried doing some running. I’m sure I looked like a blob, but it was encouraging that I could go faster starting out than I did the last time I started training. Guess I haven’t completely lost all the good effects. Each visit has gotten a little bit easier though. Soon it’ll be the 14th visit, then 40th, then 400th, right?! I’ve just got to get in the habit again.

In the meantime. Enjoy this video. This is so me and I have had every one of these thoughts!

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I wish I had wrote this…

I know it’s not my day to post, but I think we could all use this.

Replacing My Cravings

January 23, 2014

“Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my king and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.” Psalm 5:1-3 (NIV 1984)

I rolled over and looked at the clock. Another day. Beyond all reason and rationality, I slid out of bed and stripped off everything that might weigh even the slightest ounce as I headed to the scale.

I thought, “Maybe today will be the day the scale will be my friend and not reveal my secrets. Maybe somehow overnight the molecular structure of my body shifted and today I will magically weigh less.”

I yanked out my ponytail holder – hey, it’s gotta weigh something – and decided to try again. But the scale didn’t change its mind the second time. It was not my friend this day.

Vowing to do better, eat healthier, and make good choices, I headed to the kitchen only to have my resolve melt like the icing on the cinnamon rolls my daughter just pulled from the oven. Oh, who cares what the scale says when this roll speaks such love and deliciousness.

Two and a half cinnamon rolls later, I decided tomorrow would be a much better day to keep my promises to eat healthier. But tomorrow wasn’t the day. Or the next. Or the next.

I knew I needed to make changes. Because this wasn’t really about the scale or what clothing size I was; it was about this battle that raged in my heart. I thought about, craved, and arranged my life too much around food. So much so, I knew it was something God was challenging me to surrender to His control. Surrender to the point where I’d make changes for the sake of my spiritual health perhaps even more than my physical health.

I had to get honest enough to admit it: I relied on food more than I relied on God. I craved food more than I craved God. Food was my comfort. Food was my reward. Food was my joy. Food was what I turned to in times of stress, sadness, and even in times of happiness.

I knew this battle would be hard. But through it all I determined to make God, rather than food, my focus. Each time I craved something I knew wasn’t part of my healthy eating plan, I used that craving as a prompt to pray. I craved a lot. So, I found myself praying a lot.

Sometimes I wound up on the floor of my closet, praying with tears running down my face. And I gave myself permission to cry, just like the psalmist in Psalm 5:1-3, “Give ears to my word, O LORD, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my king and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.”

And that is literally what I did each day. Laid my requests before God and waited in expectation.

Then, one morning, it finally happened. I got up and for the first time in a long while, I felt incredibly empowered. I still did the same crazy routine with the scale, no clothes, no ponytail holder. The numbers hadn’t changed much, but my heart had. One day of victory tasted better than any of that food I’d given up ever could. I had waited in expectation using prayer as my guide and I did it.

I can’t promise you there won’t be any more tears. There will. And I can’t promise the scale magically drops as quickly as you wish it would. It probably won’t. But it will be a start. A really good start.

Dear Lord, You know me so intimately. You know how much I’m struggling right now. Please help me to replace my cravings with a reliance on You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

What to say?

My last post was 2 months ago and I was talking about starting again. 2 months. 8 weeks. 56 days. Potential loss of 8-16lbs+.

So what do I have to report after all this time?

2 months of nothing. 8 weeks of slug. 56 days of “could have.” Potential loss of- weight gain! I am at a higher weight than when I started. 249. Did I just write that? Yep, 249. Maybe if I type it a few more times I’ll be out of denial. 249, 249, 249, 249, 249,249 Gross, depressing, sad, unbelievable, pathetic….

I don’t even know where to start or what to do.  AB posted recently and  asked where we all are? I wanted to get back, but have nothing to say. Nothing motivational or inspiring anyways. I can’t get my yo-yo to get the second yo going.

Anyone want to come to CO and get my butt going again?

I have been avoiding this blog.

I will say that I have been too busy. That I meant to blog but before I knew it, it was Monday and then Tuesday or Wednesday. Plus it wouldn’t be nice to take someone else’s day to blog. How rude! I meant to post, I really did, but it was so late…..yadda yadda yadda!

Truth is I was too ashamed. I hate my body! I hate my weight! I hate how I look! I hate the scale. I hate my clothes. I hate the mirror!  I hate how I feel! I. HATE. THIS!

I have lost all momentum. I have gained back all weight. I’m on more meds. I am back to the beginning. I keep deciding to start again only to find a reason I didn’t. I’m too tired to get up early and work out. I’m too busy during the day. I’ve never liked working out at the end of the day. I’ll eat better tomorrow. I get frustrated when I do workout because I am a slug. I think about what I use to be able to do and get depressed and then guess what? I don’t workout because it’s too depressing.

My big plan of looking amazing for my high school reunion next year is getting to be a distant memory. My idea of being below 200 by the summer is long gone. My desire to be off my meds and CPAP is replaced with more medication. I have avoided this blog because my motivation has not been there. What is there to write? Who wants to hear me say week after week that I did nothing? That my weight is up? That it is easier to sit here and eat ice cream than get up before 5am and sweat it out. It’s easier being fat and lazy. Food taste good. Why deprive myself of the goodness that is bread? Why get all stinky and sweaty and sore. Why get out of this comfy chair to get sore muscles and not be able to move? This is easier.

So why do this? Why write today? Why try again? Because, while this is easier, I hate it! I don’t want to live in sweats. I don’t want to reach for my fat pants. I want to be able to shop for clothes in normal sizes. I don’t want to be embarrassed by how I look. I want to turn my husband’s head. I want to live a long life.

We are going to try this again! I am! I am! I am!

No Excuses

I haven’t felt like blogging. There’s nothing to blog about. At least not on this blog anyway. My weight sucks. My life is chaotic. It’s easier to just get fat.

This, my friends is the ugly side of weight loss.

It’s because of these setbacks that I feel like my goal is unattainable and why bother? I am just going to fail any wind up where I was anyways!

I’m just not getting it done.

I have no excuses!

Grrrr….

I have run 10 miles this week. Worked out all my muscles to the point of  exhaustion. More than once. I am sore. I have been sweaty and smelly. I thought I had lost weight according to the scale on Friday, but today not so much.

With family visiting from Georgia and Sri Lanka, then Father’s Day,  I have been MIA.

Now with all the fires burning in the state, the air is filled with smoke all the time. It’s hard to be outside, let alone run or do anything else. It’s easy to sit inside without the ash falling on your head and your lungs burning. Not so good for trying to workout.

Hubby has started a new diet. I have mixed emotions about that.  Mainly because I know all he has to do is cut out sugar or carbs or butter, or tic tacs, and he will drop 10 lbs by the end of the week without ever breaking a sweat! Annoying!

School is kicking my butt right now and when I made time for me and the gym, I fell behind this past week. Makes it a little hard to want to continue that pattern this week. I must admit. I’m heading to bed early tonight with the idea of getting up early to workout to try to get it all in.

Wish me luck!

Oscar the Grouch

I’m a little late, I know. I debated about not posting at all. I hate the idea of all my posts just being a depressing rant that doesn’t do anyone any good except maybe me. Who wants to read sad posts week after week anyway? Yet that is where I am. I am frustrated, angry, bitter, and sad.

I want so much to be happy when I read my fellow surviving blogger’s posts about losing weight each week. It’s awesome what she is doing. How great it is that she is getting it done and seeing results. I shouldn’t have any resentment, right? Especially when I didn’t spend 50 minutes on a treadmill. I do though. I am an awful, terrible person.

Or am I just human?

I am happy for you Autumn. I am! Maybe it is seeing your success brings my failure blindingly to the front? Maybe the fact that a woman with a newborn is killing it and I do not have that excuse!

What’s my excuse?! Why is the scale up this week?! Why am I sinking even deeper?!

Sigh! I find myself reaching for my “fat” pants, something I haven’t done in a long time. Every time I do, I am reminded of my husband’s words, “Now that you are in smaller pants, you should get rid of all your bigger clothes so you aren’t tempted to fall back.” I did get rid of most of my pants. Mainly because I hate clothes shopping so much that I will wear a pair of pants until they are holey and indecent. These one pair have the widest legs, waist and aren’t so thread bare yet that I can’t/shouldn’t wear them. I kept them “just in case.” They are still big on me, but for how much longer?

I went in this week for a year checkup on my sleep disorders. None of my treatments or meds seem to be working any more. The doctor was pleased when he saw my weight. “You’ve lost!” “No, actually I’ve gained!” I’m down from where he last saw me, so he’s pleased, but I know how much better it could have been. I still left not only with another year worth of prescriptions, but a new one as well. It feels like a defeat to be put on more pills. Pills for nighttime. Pills for daytime. This is stupid!

Honesty, right? We are suppose to be honest. Well this is the yucky side of the yo-yo. I don’t think I am the only one that goes through this. But, Maybe I am.

I spent 20 minutes on the eliptical this morning. That’s all I had time for and I really didn’t want to be doing that at 6am, but I did. And something is better than nothing. Hopefully I can get something done every day!

I love ya Autumn! I am proud of you! You go and don’t look back!!!

 

Rough week.

I didn’t work out as much this week. At least not cardio wise. Kept up with my ab and squat challenge. I am starting to get seriously sore and it’s a struggle to want to do it each day.

According to this morning’s weigh-in I am down 2 lbs. A shocker to me as it hasn’t been the best time to stick to a diet. I’ll tke it though.

My week has been consumed with rewriting some by-laws and then our pastor’s daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor that had to be removed ASAP. Trying to get things arranged and taken care of so he could leave has been time consuming. His daughter had just traveled back to KY to see family and there was no way they would be sending her back.

School starts back this week for the summer session with one of my classes requiring me to be there for 3 hours 2x a week. How crazy is that to try and work around? Since tomorrow is a holiday I am hoping to start off the week right with a good workout. Mondays are usually very crazy and will be worse with an 8am class. If I do not start out of the gate well, I flounder the rest of the week.

How about you all. What do you do to start out the week well?

Suck it up, buttercup!

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Well, this hit a little close to home when I saw it yesterday. I have to get this weight off. It’s a strain on my body to be carrying it around. It’s a strain on my emotions to be feeling so frustrated and down when I see my reflection. It’s a strain on those around me to deal with my crabbiness about my weight. Something has to give and it has to be the weight.

I had a good week, relatively speaking. I got cardio in 3 times this week and have been doing this ab and squat challenge 5 days. It’s fairly quick and I can get it in while getting ready in the morning. The number of squats increase each day as well as the crunches, leg raises, and time in plank position until on day 30 you are doing a million and a half squats and holding plank for 76 hours. Not really, but you get what I mean. It’s more like 250 squats and 150 crunches at the end. Anyway, it makes me feel like I am doing something so I don’t get too frustrated.

The scale went up despite my measly efforts though. One pound! Blah! Whatever! Trying to remember how I gained when I started getting muscle. It does amaze me how quickly you get out of shape. Not that I was in phenomenal shape before, but it’s ridiculous that I am panting after 25 squats. Suck it up, buttercup and get that rear in gear!

Anyone else notice they weigh more in the summer? I have thought for a while that I weighed more when it was warmer. People talk about putting on “winter weight,” that’s when I see the biggest changes in weight. As we have gone from snow one day to 80 degrees the next and now we have been hitting 90+ here and there, I notice the swelling of the hands and feet. We had a cooler day today and from yesterday to today, I can take my rings off and clothes fit a little different. I’m convinced that the warm weather is a huge part of the cause of my frustration. I just expand in heat! I am trying to keep this in mind as I hover around the scale, afraid to get on. I think it’s how I can explain the fluctuations in my weight from day to day in the past. The biggest changes seem to be all in the summer. Maybe I won’t weigh myself until December. ;-}

How is everyone else? Do you have a problem with water weight, swelling in the warm weather?

Good Grief, Charlie Brown!

What do you get when you cross finals week, with a visit from Aunt “Flo”, with holding down the office while the boss is away, with no workouts, with high stress and little sleep?

 

A higher number on the scale.  Sigh!

I am once again making plans on how to start again tomorrow. Do diets and workout plans start on any other day besides Mondays? I am starting to think not!

My husband keeps reminding me that the Big Dog Brag is coming up. Mud obstacle course? Are you kidding me? Running? HA! When was the last time I ran? I think that’s part of my problem. I realized the other day that when I ran was when I had a “quiet time.” It’s severely lacking and truly need it again. For as much as I know this, it still isn’t urgent enough to get to the top of my priority list each week. Each day. Why is it so hard?

I am so frustrated. So down. So, so ……..blah.

I need someone to not take my excuses and get me to the gym. I use to be enough, but not at the moment.

Depressing post, isn’t it. I wish they weren’t. I want to come on here and have a “win” to tell you. Maybe next week, maybe.

I hope you all are doing well!

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