Loss

 

Good Riddance 2014.

It was a tough year for me personally. I found some success improving my healthy habits which resulted in shedding a few pounds (I still have a ways to go), but other parts of my life were… challenging.

In the past few years I’ve been more involved in helping my dad out: doctor’s appointments, grocery shopping, balancing his checkbook & paying his bills. This summer I found him on the floor and unable to get up which started nearly 6 months of being in & out of the hospital and nursing home with only a few short weeks in between where he was home…and fell again. He was pretty steadily getting crankier, needing more attention, and finally began to refuse treatments. I drove the 20 miles to see him at the nursing home 3 and 4 times a week. Because of his condition and refusing medical treatment he started getting confused easily, too, so we never knew what to expect when we went to check on him. The kids and I had a wonderful Christmas visit with him last week and then on Sunday he was no longer responsive. By Monday morning his breathing stopped and he was gone. My daddy died. He was only 73.

This is the hardest loss I’ve ever had to cope with. Yesterday, I spent most of the day crying at the drop of a hat and hiding in my room. But because I have children I put on a brave face and hung out with them to count down to the New Year. Perhaps all the yelling and throwing of Pop-Its was cathartic because as I got into bed I felt a little better. I felt ready to get to work.

Part of that work is getting back into my fitness routine that I abandoned as the holidays came. Healthy eating and exercise will be necessary to combat what I found when I stepped on the scale this morning.

 

The pounds are creeping back on! NOOOOOO!!!!

My dad and I both have…had… Type II Diabetes. I was diagnosed younger than him. He never really changed his habits and that was part of the reason his health was so bad. I don’t want to make the same mistake. It’s going to be a tough battle to get rid of this extra weight but I know it will be worth it! Maybe I won’t get rid of the Diabetes but I will get healthy.

This morning I woke with the same desire to get to work and with a need to spend time with my family.  I suggested we go on a family hike. The closest hiking trail to us is a loop. My husband, our boys, and our cute doggy, Lula, hit the trail. About a quarter of a mile in the trail splits and you can take one of two trails: a 2 mile or 5 mile loop. The hubs and I agreed we were in the mood for the long loop.

I’d never done the long loop before and I’m not sure I knew what I was getting myself into (my legs are already sore), but the views were both a reward and a triumph. This is at the top of the trail before we started descending. I swear it was the highest point surrounding our valley. It was so fulfilling to stand up there and look how far away the car was parked!

 

 

 

That hike was exactly what I needed.

The other part of getting to work is learning how to exist without my dad. I have lots to keep me busy (going through his stuff and getting his place on the market is not a small task), but I know I will miss him in unexpected moments.

This morning I wrote in my journal and when I was finished I turned the page. The sight of these clean, fresh pages coincided with exactly how I was feeling this morning.

 

It is time for a fresh start and I am ready for the task. Coincidentally (or perhaps not so coincidentally) it came on the first day of 2015. I’ve only made one resolution for this new year and I think it fits nicely with all that is happening in my life right now: I will not give up on myself, on my goal of ridding myself of this excess weight. Happy 2015!

Wish me luck.

I see it now

 

Came across this pic from 2009. It’s a rare moment where I am not the one doing all the picture taking (if I remember correctly I put the camera in my husband’s hand and said something about someday we will wish I was in a few pictures). When it came on the screen this week I understood what people have been saying about me “looking good”. I usually chalk their words up to kindness and encouragement. Looking at 2009 AB besides being a little grossed out, I see the difference between then and now.
This revelation paired with my weigh in this week and I realized I’ve shed 25 pounds since this picture was taken! TWENTY-FIVE!

I CAN do this. Another 25 and I will be smaller than my kids have ever seen me in real life. I can do that by Christmas.

There it is. I’ll say aloud my next weight goal (I don’t know why that is harder than sharing my weight): lose 23 pounds by the end of December. I want to look back on pictures from this summer and be relieved by the new and improved AB.

Look for more regular blog posts! I’ll try not to be boring.

Wish me luck!

 

Who is this?

Kris? Who in tar-nations is Kris?

Yeah, ok it’s been awhile. Alright, a long while.

So what have I been up to?

Whelping 10 puppies.              Planning a community outreach event for our church. Over 500 people came.

Having another sleep study, changing meds, fighting with insurance, being frustrated!

Graduating my oldest from high school.

Dealing with a family member dying and hubby going to TN to help take care of him.

Hubby going to the night shift and becoming like a single parent again.

Living life.

And getting FAT!

It’s like I never lost weight. It’s all back and I hate it!

Going into this month, my boss (pastor) came to me asking if I would be interested in a gym membership. There was an opportunity to get a corporate rate at his gym. They needed 5 and after he and his wife, the worship pastor and his wife, they needed one more. I’m not sure what reaction he was expecting, I think he just asked me out of courtesy, but the look of surprise was unmistakable as I blurted out “YES!” without any hesitation at all.

It’s conveniently located blocks from work (the church) and they have great machines. The locker room is the nicest I’ve seen in a gym with a changing room, so insecure people like me can get dressed. Although, I have been the only one in the locker room every time I have been there so far.  What I don’t like is the check-in.

It’s an easy tag on my key ring that I just scan and go on my way. On a computer screen pops up my picture and a lovely “Hello Kris” greeting. Under it though, are the mocking words, “This is your 4th time here.”

Thank You, Thank You very much for reminding me how hard it is to get back in the habit. That I’ve had the membership almost a month and have only made it there 4 times. That 4 times is not enough to see results. I feel like it laughs at me when I check in. Four is better than none though right? The important thing is that I am there. (I have to keep telling myself that!)

The first visit was brutal. Half hour of cardio was not happening, it still isn’t but it’s getting easier. Today I even tried doing some running. I’m sure I looked like a blob, but it was encouraging that I could go faster starting out than I did the last time I started training. Guess I haven’t completely lost all the good effects. Each visit has gotten a little bit easier though. Soon it’ll be the 14th visit, then 40th, then 400th, right?! I’ve just got to get in the habit again.

In the meantime. Enjoy this video. This is so me and I have had every one of these thoughts!

Wanna race?

After 45 minutes of a very heavy spin class (my tush and quads are gonna be screaming), my friend leans over and asks, “Do you wanna race?!”

Ummmm…..no! Is she crazy? Beside the fact that I needed to go drag my boys out of bed and get them ready for school, I was wiped out by that class!

Then she clarified, “First one to lose 10 lbs. wins.”

Well, that changed things. I’ll take all the help/motivation/friendly competition I can get, so here’s my weigh in after spin:

When I hit 10 lbs. then I will be the lowest weight I’ve been (a) since starting this blog, and (b) since before my last baby…who turns 8 in less than a month. That is a little embarrassing to admit.

222 is the magic number we are looking for. Guess I’d better start a meal plan and stop making excuses.

Wish me luck!

Embracing the Ugly

 

 

You know those inspiring fitness memes? They say things like, “It’s better to be sore than sorry” or quote someone famous (like Buddha or Marilyn Monroe). There is usually a black and white picture of a super fit chick with sweat dripping off her muscles to accompany the uplifting words.

I don’t look like those when I work out.

In a yoga class recently I took a good look at myself in the mirror. It was difficult to accept what I saw. I think I’ve seen myself with some sort of mental filter in my mirrors at home. The mirror at the gym has no filters, real or imagined. It is unforgiving. I did not like what I saw, but I did not let the figure in the mirror get me down:

• I was at the gym doing yoga!
• I even went without a friend, on my own!
• I have grossly cut back on the amount of crap junk food and snacks I was eating!
• I have been intentionally adding more fruits & vegetables to my diet!

These changes to my behavior and working on improving my good habits have resulted in this

This is SEVEN POUNDS down from September. I’m trying to make a big deal out of it because I’m not really feeling accomplished. I’m still measuring myself against where I was before I started slipping back into nasty old habits (in case you’re wondering, I have four whole pounds more to lose to get to my lowest since starting this blog). It feels like I wasted so much time by gaining that weight back. I don’t want to waste time again.

Which is why I’m sticking to my anti-treat goals and set some specific exercise goals (2 spin classes, 1 yoga class and at least one additional workout each week).

Not wanting to waste my time losing the same lbs again is good motivation to work hard. Really wanting to get below my lowest weight (since starting scale matters) is an even bigger motivator. The desire to be too small for my smallest pair of jeans, to fit back into a favorite skirt from years gone by, to comfortably spend an afternoon on my feet, to  hike/swim/bike at pace with my family, those desires are all reasons I can look into those harsh gym mirrors and see this…

without crying and running from the gym. (This was an emotionally difficult selfie to share. I hope you appreciate my courage!)

Sometimes I wonder what goes through the instructor’s head or the other people’s heads when they see me in a spin class. Those classes are intense. I get pretty beet red and watching all that fat jiggle when I’m giving it my all…it doesn’t look anything like those sexy, inspiring memes. When I start to worry that people are mocking me in my head, I remind myself that I’m not at the gym to be their eye candy (ha!) or flirt (happily married for 18 years) nor does it matter what anyone else interprets from my working out.

I am there for me.

Going to spin class means afterward I don’t seem to crave sweets as much. When yoga class is over my stress has decreased and I can relax more easily. Every day that I workout makes me less anxious stepping on the scale for my weekly weigh in. Every week that I lose weight makes it easier to accept my results, reinforces those healthy habits, and brings me a little closer to seeing the me I expect when I look in the mirror… even the mean & nasty gym mirror.

5 days until Christmas and I’m planning to stick to my goals even during these holidays. (If Santa brings me a pair of spin shoes that clip into the pedals, it would be even more fun to stick to my goals!)

 

Wish me luck!

…and may your holidays be merry!

 

 

 

Work vs Work Out ?

I quit my job.

The job itself and the guys I worked for: GREAT!

What wasn’t so great? To sum up: lack of time.

Some women are fantastic at managing a job and family. I am not one of those women, at least not at this point in my life. I knew it was time to leave my part-time job after only four months when both my husband and kids were getting annoyed with me having to go to work.

I’ve decided that my new job is going to be fitness. If I can work out 4 to 6 hours a week then I will be successful. That’s a heck of a lot less time then I was spending in an office.

Of course, there are a few other things that will keep me busy…

Zombie, Cap’n Hook, Smee (my hubs) and Marine

But I think they’re worth some (ok, MOST) of my attention.

Really, my girl (that cute female version of Captain Hook) has already helped me. Last weekend, there was some lots of candy at my house. She and I were eating some a bunch as we watched a show on TV. After the show I said something about how the candy wasn’t that good and how I felt icky. Right there in that moment my beautiful teenage daughter made a pact with me (forced me into a pact?) that we were not going to have any “treats”, except on Sundays and then only 2. It sounded great at the moment, but even as I write this I’m trying to decide if I can make it through the next 36 hours until I get my fix.

Honestly, though, that whole “I’d do anything for my kids” thing seems to have kicked in this week. I am surprised at how many times I had to remind myself, how many times I had to say “No, thanks,” and how many times I probably would have had a treat if I had not made that pact with her.

Each of those decisions piled up to this:

I’m embarrassed to say it’s been a year since my weight has been this low. Maybe I didn’t lose it all this week, but considering my last weigh in was 6 pounds heavier… I’m giving Cap’n Hook the credit for keeping me honest.

Now is time for me to get back into those old healthy habits: eating well and working out regularly. I don’t expect to be another 6 pounds down next week at weigh in but I will be sticking to my plan just the same. We will see what kind of rewards await my hard work!

Wish me luck!

 

Sweat it out

Worked out 4 (count them FOUR) days in a row this week.

My weight is exactly the same.

I hate it when that happens…but I know all of the ways my body weight fluctuates from week to week and as long as I keep working hard it will show in my weight soon enough.

I forgot how good I feel after a workout. When I’m on the bike in spin/cycling class and it is getting harder I try to think about all of things I want/don’t want for Future AB. Picturing myself in good health and doing the things I love (as opposed to sitting around my house wishing I could do those things) helps me find that oomph I need to keep going, push harder.

After my workout I’m starving and wanting to eat something healthy. Don’t want to counteract all the good I just did! Still having weakness late at night but working on putting myself to bed when I’m tired.

Hating my clothes less, too. I know it’s not their fault, but it sure was easy to blame them for how unbecoming I felt….feel. Workout more = feel more becoming in my clothing. (Is that an old lady word: becoming? Oh well, have I mentioned I’m 42? I can use old lady words)

Tami, my cycle class buddy will be on a camping trip this week. One I used to go on, too, but life needs me at home this year. My goal this week is to get to class even without her here and spend some time playing with my boys in the pool. It’s hot enough!

Wish me luck!

Well, that wasn’t so bad.

224.8 lbs.

I expected worse. Way worse!

Why can’t my weight be like my cell phone, keys, or my son’s soccer cleats the morning of a game? Easy to lose, hard to find/gain!

Inspired by AB I started looking back and trying to find when I was this weight. I had to really go back, a long way back, and yet gaining it didn’t even take half the time. A Quarter of the time! What’s up with that?! It drives me a little crazy to see these little reports about how much a celebrity struggled to put on weight for a role. Brownies and cheeseburgers every day, you poor thing. I’m pretty sure if they are complaining about gaining weight, they aren’t doing it right! It is awesome to eat whatever you want. “Would you like mayo and extra cheese with that? Ummm, of course!” “Throw some chili fries in with that!” Have you ever had a slopper? What? No?! It must be a southern Colorado thing. Take an open faced hamburger, throw a heap of fries on top, smother in green chile, and blanket with cheese. “What do you mean that isn’t on the diet? It’s got protein, dairy, a little bit of carbs. Ok a lot o-carbs! Make the chile really hot and your body will sweat the calories out, right?”

Eating healthy is boring and so much work. Why does it have to be so much work? Shouldn’t the math skills we learned in high school and wondered when we would ever use Algebra, be used to fight cancer or something? Not for figuring out if I have 207 calories left to eat today and 1 cookie is x amount of calories, do I get to dunk them in milk while speeding to point B at 56 mph while driving toward me is the Ice Cream truck  travelling at a similar rate of speed but leaving 15 minutes later, what color is the number 7?

Can you tell I am having a rough food day? Maybe if celery tasted like vanilla I wouldn’t be frustrated.

I did get moving this past week……………………………once!

Yep, 1 stinking day for a workout. Pathetic I know! Big Sigh! Deep breath! Refocus! All hope is not lost! Once is better than none! This week we just shoot for doubling that. Small steps to get to bigger steps. I am too prone to frustration right now for not getting a workout in every day or eating well daily. Small goals, small accomplishments to build on and get the motivation going again.

I Hope!

Until next week weight warriors…..

2 steps back

 

 

I had to weigh in at the doctor’s office yesterday, so I was more prepared to step on the scale today. Is it weird that my home scale and the one at the doctor’s office said the exact same weight?

 

I wasn’t surprised by the weight. Like I said in Wednesday’s post…I haven’t been doing what I should. However, I was surprised that this is my highest weigh in since September 2011 …right after I began. I am so glad I’ve been keeping track and I have pictures to remind me of the amazing progress I’ve made. There is no reason to let my weight creep up any further. I’ve lost it before and I don’t want to keep losing it…I’d like to get rid of this weight and then live in maintanance mode forever.

Losing the same 15 pounds repeatedly seems counterproductive, doesn’t it?!

My bad behavior not only showed in my weight gain, but in my A1C (an average of my blood sugar level for the last 3 months). Doc called today to discuss increasing my meds. I refused. I promised him I would make an effort, that I would be better. Counteracting my bad eating habits and lack of exercise with more medicine is NOT going to get me healthy. In 3 more months I have to go back in for another A1C. My goal is to have it be below 7.0 which, I think, is completely doable.

Wish me luck!

Don’t let it creep up on you again

The title of this entry is a note to myself. When I started this blog I was devoted. I was not eating sugar/candy/cake/treats. Soda? Rarely. Healthy snacks and gum were my weapons against cravings for all those things I was skipping out on. I was working out at least 3 times per week and I was dropping the lbs in a nice steady manner. Since that first 4 months I gained back 10 of the 15 pounds I lost. How did that happen?!

Here a little and there a little.

“They make the best root beer here. I have earned a night of drinking soda!”

“I have to sample these treats before we deliver them. It’s a new recipe!”

“This is the only chance I have to taste this particular delicious looking dessert.”

“Gah. My kids need me. I don’t have time to go to the gym.”

“Tomorrow will be a better day for getting my workout in.”

You get the idea. Slowly, all those good habits I was building justified themselves right out of existence. The only thing I have been consistent about for the past year is working out, but even then it was only twice a week at the most.

Overcoming my own short comings is the biggest challenge in losing the weight.

I had been avoiding a real weigh in, but on Feb 1st I weighed in, not out of habit, but because I knew I needed a reality check.

More than 2 months since I stepped on the scale and my weight was still in the range of Yuck. I had to be realistic. At best what I was doing was not helping me lose the pounds. My knee had started being sore. My cute jeans were more tight than comfortable. I was tired way more often. I started to blame my clothes for the way they looked on me. Between the scale reading and the way I was feeling, I knew I had to stop making excuses.

So for the next 2 weeks I indulged in nearly everything. The week of Valentine’s Day I did not work out once. I ate everything I felt like eating. I wasn’t trying to lose weight. I just was. Last Friday I had my last lazy day. I went to the store with my husband to get, among other things, ice cream. He asked, “Are you sure you want to get a pint to yourself?” (He is a sweet, subtle man who knows how to talk to me without becoming the target for my anger)

“It’s my last one. After tonight I am not going to indulge myself any more.” Was I justifying? Did I mean it? Honestly, I was not sure. Saturday I woke up resolved. I stepped on the scale again.

That doesn’t even make sense. Does it? I ate like a pig, didn’t work out and lost 2 lbs. But maybe that was fuel for my fire. Imagine what the scale might have read if I had tried that week?! I was ready to go. Then a dessert that I enjoy appeared. I had to decide right then and there if I was going to stick with my plan to avoid treats. Could I?! I managed to walk away but didn’t stop thinking about it.

My weakness is late at night after the kids go to bed, so I concentrated on that battle. If I needed a snack that time of night it was going to be roasted almonds or string cheese or something with protein. It doesn’t make late night snacking as fun, but it was effective. After I eat them I always regret eating desserts late at night. The next temptation in my path was a little easier. Each day I have a little more strength and a little more motivation to eat right.

Monday was President’s Day and I took advantage of not getting any kids ready for anything and went to the gym! I don’t know why but Mondays and Tuesdays are the hardest days for me to figure out how to get a workout in. I’ve managed three workouts this week and I hope to find some active thing to do with my family tomorrow afternoon. If I can plan ahead for then when & where of my workouts next week I know I will be succesful again.

Things are looking up! And my weight…

my weight is down another pound. Thank heavens. I don’t know if all this newfound (re-found) determination could have handled anything less.

I know I’m going to have days when being good is more difficult than others, but I don’t want to let one bad day give me permission to go downhill again. This blog post is titled so that I can find it easily when I’m having one of those difficult-to-stick-to-my-goals days. Losing weight really does feel like a battle…or a war. I need to win it.

Wish me luck.