What to say?

My last post was 2 months ago and I was talking about starting again. 2 months. 8 weeks. 56 days. Potential loss of 8-16lbs+.

So what do I have to report after all this time?

2 months of nothing. 8 weeks of slug. 56 days of “could have.” Potential loss of- weight gain! I am at a higher weight than when I started. 249. Did I just write that? Yep, 249. Maybe if I type it a few more times I’ll be out of denial. 249, 249, 249, 249, 249,249 Gross, depressing, sad, unbelievable, pathetic….

I don’t even know where to start or what to do.  AB posted recently and  asked where we all are? I wanted to get back, but have nothing to say. Nothing motivational or inspiring anyways. I can’t get my yo-yo to get the second yo going.

Anyone want to come to CO and get my butt going again?

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I have been avoiding this blog.

I will say that I have been too busy. That I meant to blog but before I knew it, it was Monday and then Tuesday or Wednesday. Plus it wouldn’t be nice to take someone else’s day to blog. How rude! I meant to post, I really did, but it was so late…..yadda yadda yadda!

Truth is I was too ashamed. I hate my body! I hate my weight! I hate how I look! I hate the scale. I hate my clothes. I hate the mirror!  I hate how I feel! I. HATE. THIS!

I have lost all momentum. I have gained back all weight. I’m on more meds. I am back to the beginning. I keep deciding to start again only to find a reason I didn’t. I’m too tired to get up early and work out. I’m too busy during the day. I’ve never liked working out at the end of the day. I’ll eat better tomorrow. I get frustrated when I do workout because I am a slug. I think about what I use to be able to do and get depressed and then guess what? I don’t workout because it’s too depressing.

My big plan of looking amazing for my high school reunion next year is getting to be a distant memory. My idea of being below 200 by the summer is long gone. My desire to be off my meds and CPAP is replaced with more medication. I have avoided this blog because my motivation has not been there. What is there to write? Who wants to hear me say week after week that I did nothing? That my weight is up? That it is easier to sit here and eat ice cream than get up before 5am and sweat it out. It’s easier being fat and lazy. Food taste good. Why deprive myself of the goodness that is bread? Why get all stinky and sweaty and sore. Why get out of this comfy chair to get sore muscles and not be able to move? This is easier.

So why do this? Why write today? Why try again? Because, while this is easier, I hate it! I don’t want to live in sweats. I don’t want to reach for my fat pants. I want to be able to shop for clothes in normal sizes. I don’t want to be embarrassed by how I look. I want to turn my husband’s head. I want to live a long life.

We are going to try this again! I am! I am! I am!

feeling funky

Since February I have:

• finished my Associates degree in Psychology (it sounds so unimpressive in a bullet point but it has been a long and rocky road…not the kind with almonds and marshmallows either)
• had surgery (which seems to have improved a “girl problem” I was having)
• went with my daughter on a campus tour of her dream school, Brigham Young University (two short years away…if I think about it too long I will cry)
• celebrated (mourned?) my baby’s 7th birthday (I will call him “my baby” no matter how old he gets)
• prayed in gratitude for friends who do the work of angels (if you don’t have any, let me know…I can hook you up)
• prayed for medical miracles (for both my dad and my step-dad)
• turned 42 (yesterday…but I still don’t act feel like I am in my 40s)
• gained 7 pounds (SEVEN!)

Today was the last day of the school year for my two boys. SUMMER! My daughter and I were finished last week but I have been looking forward to when we were all here – out of school – and without commitments to really start prioritizing me. Instead, I feel like I’m wandering around the house not sure of what I should do, afraid to eat anything that isn’t a vegetable, and the only “workout” that sounds good is going to the pool for a few hours with my boys.

Is there such a thing as an end-of-the-school-year-funk? Because I think I am in it.

Or maybe it’s an I-just-turned-42-and-still-haven’t-gotten-rid-of-this-weight-funk.

Either way, I’m trying to climb out of it.

I want to start logging my blood sugar levels regularly, keeping a food journal (Really? Do I?), and recording my workouts. Maybe the more appropriate thing to say is that I want to want to do all of that.

I’ve been in this weight loss battle before. I know how hard it is. I think that is what is holding me back from jumping in with both feet, ready for the icy plunge. I haven’t had a lot of success. How many times do I have to be unsuccessful before I just accept that I will always be fat? I don’t want to always be fat. I hate HATE this body. My dad’s health problems have given me a front row seat to my future if I cannot get a handle on this now!

In the New Testament, more than once, Paul preaches about finding strength in our weaknesses through Christ. Perhaps, many believe this only refers to a spiritual strength, but I believe that every weakness we have, whether it is a penchant for sweets or for shoplifting doesn’t matter, but all our weaknesses are an opportunity to lean on the Lord. He gave me this body as a gift. He has even given me guidelines on how to treat it. He has given me weakness so that I can learn to depend upon Him instead of on the hand of flesh (which is a fancy way of saying not to be a slave to physical cravings and desires).

I used to have a great love of Diet Coke. My body was dependent upon that cafffeine every single day. I didn’t really want to give it up. I loved my habit, but I knew it wasn’t good for me. I knew that I needed to follow the Lord’s counsel to not be addicted to anything. I needed to. I tried and gave up several times. Then something clicked and I stopped. Now it’s been about six years since I have had caffeine. I feel better and I don’t really miss it.

Part of me whispers that if I can replace my love of Diet Coke with a love of drinking water, then I can definitely make the sacrifices and changes I need to get rid of this weight. But it is a whisper and sometimes there are really loud doubts trying to get my attention, too.

I am going to trust in the Lord. Trust that He loves me, one of his spirit daughters, and that He will help me to find the strength I need to overcome my weaknesses, those weaknessess that keep me from getting rid of my fat. Prayer and scripture study is my goal for this week. If I rely on the Lord then everything else will come naturally.

Wish me luck…or better yet, I’d appreciate any prayers on my behalf.

Oscar the Grouch

I’m a little late, I know. I debated about not posting at all. I hate the idea of all my posts just being a depressing rant that doesn’t do anyone any good except maybe me. Who wants to read sad posts week after week anyway? Yet that is where I am. I am frustrated, angry, bitter, and sad.

I want so much to be happy when I read my fellow surviving blogger’s posts about losing weight each week. It’s awesome what she is doing. How great it is that she is getting it done and seeing results. I shouldn’t have any resentment, right? Especially when I didn’t spend 50 minutes on a treadmill. I do though. I am an awful, terrible person.

Or am I just human?

I am happy for you Autumn. I am! Maybe it is seeing your success brings my failure blindingly to the front? Maybe the fact that a woman with a newborn is killing it and I do not have that excuse!

What’s my excuse?! Why is the scale up this week?! Why am I sinking even deeper?!

Sigh! I find myself reaching for my “fat” pants, something I haven’t done in a long time. Every time I do, I am reminded of my husband’s words, “Now that you are in smaller pants, you should get rid of all your bigger clothes so you aren’t tempted to fall back.” I did get rid of most of my pants. Mainly because I hate clothes shopping so much that I will wear a pair of pants until they are holey and indecent. These one pair have the widest legs, waist and aren’t so thread bare yet that I can’t/shouldn’t wear them. I kept them “just in case.” They are still big on me, but for how much longer?

I went in this week for a year checkup on my sleep disorders. None of my treatments or meds seem to be working any more. The doctor was pleased when he saw my weight. “You’ve lost!” “No, actually I’ve gained!” I’m down from where he last saw me, so he’s pleased, but I know how much better it could have been. I still left not only with another year worth of prescriptions, but a new one as well. It feels like a defeat to be put on more pills. Pills for nighttime. Pills for daytime. This is stupid!

Honesty, right? We are suppose to be honest. Well this is the yucky side of the yo-yo. I don’t think I am the only one that goes through this. But, Maybe I am.

I spent 20 minutes on the eliptical this morning. That’s all I had time for and I really didn’t want to be doing that at 6am, but I did. And something is better than nothing. Hopefully I can get something done every day!

I love ya Autumn! I am proud of you! You go and don’t look back!!!

 

Convicted? Maybe. Denial? Perhaps. Avoiding? Absolutely!

I have started a post soooooo many times in my head on so many a Sunday and yet, nothing! I have written nothing for a while. Been accountable for nothing for far too long! I know it too. This isn’t a surprise. “Oh my! I had no idea it had been so long since I posted. Wow! How time really flies!”

WHATEVER!!

Out of sight, out of mind is more like it. Don’t have to want to  deal with it. Honestly, the fact that no one else is posting has made it easier to ignore. I guess if everyone else jumped off a bridge I would too, eventually. Not blaming any one else for my own choices, it’s just amazing how I can use others as a reason to justify it. Not right at all! Then out of the blue…a post. A post to remind me why we all are doing this. A post from a poor sleep deprived, new momma willing to talk about her weight. And after having a baby! All us mom’s know that’s when you feel the worst about your body!

We started all this to encourage, help, commiserate, cheer, cry, gripe, and push each other until we get to where we want to be with our health. It’s time I started climbing out instead of wallowing in the muddy valley of despair and pity!

I saw this recently from another blog and for a couple days it got me moving and then I stopped looking at it so I wouldn’t feel guilty. How did I allow myself to fall so far again! UGH! I’m in this circular pattern of disgusted with myself  must do something about it, good for a day, oh why bother, disgusted again. Must stop the cycle. Hopefully, this is the first step. Having to answer for what I did or didn’t do this week will maybe get that motivation going again.

Here we go……………again.

I don’t know where my weight is exactly except that it has inched up a few pounds. I think I will just start with trying to get moving again, regularly, rather than focus on the scale just yet. So that’s my plan.

Get Moving!!

Until next Sunday……………………………….

Enough is enough

It seems everyone has gone MIA, including our fearless leader/founder and my posts have been pathetic.

While a dear friend reassured me that this blog is about real life and real life isn’t always rainbows and unicorns, I have been a “Debbie Downer.” Yes, there is some heavy stuff going on in my life, I don’t have to let it drag me down into the pits of despair and undo all I have worked hard to do.

I have been trying to maintain my goals, but it definitely isn’t easy as distractions abound and I am just plain worn out.

Time to refocus, because being healthy will allow me to deal with things better. At least that is the plan.

I have gained 2 pounds but I am chalking that up to “that” week and not getting to the gym more than twice. Considering some would say that the 7 pound loss last week was too much in that time period, I am not too upset.

Going forward, starting now, refocused goals

5 1/2 weeks to the Turkey Trot- A 30min 5k would be awesome!

Sleep- Must get some! Not starting out too well considering that it is 1:18am. Must do better!

Food- I haven’t done badly here, but there is always room for improvement!

Quiet time- God misses me, I need to visit more often. (So to speak)

 

I can do it. You can do it! We can do it!

Enough is enough!

I HATE THE SCALE

WARNING: This post contains the rantings of a woman spurned by a scale.

I exercised hard core this week. I not only met my goal of getting three workouts in and eating lunch every day instead of snacking but I did FOUR workouts. Not only did I participate in those four workouts but I pushed myself in every single one. I swam laps for an entire hour. I could barely catch my breath between songs during spin class. Mandy had us doing so many pushups that I lost count. And other than the two Krispy Kreme donuts -which were part of my motivation to push myself harder in my exercising – I ate really well. Not only that but I think I got plenty of sleep and I know I’ve been downing water like it’s going out of style.

So why? WHY? WHY? did the scale (stupid, dagnab scale) say this to me today:

This is 1 whole pound up from last week! Not only that but I just checked pictures in my archives and this exact weight has been rather popular lately. 3 of my last 5 weigh in results were exactly 228.6!

I was looking forward to getting on the scale today. I wanted to love the results of my hard work this week. I was hoping to shout out that I’d reached a new low weight since starting this blog.

I hate the scale.

And so help me if even one of you suggests that it’s muscle weight gain from all the work I’ve been doing you will be banished from the land of scalematters forever! (I may have been watching too many season 1 episodes of Once Upon a Time lately). All that muscle I’m gaining is supposed to be burning the fat away.

Clearly my body likes this particular weight.

I. Do. Not.

I can’t even say that I’m going to take drastic measures because I’m not sure which area of nutrition and exercise I need to fine tune. It feels so elusive. One thing I do (or don’t do) can make a huge difference on the scale, but what is the mysterious one thing…this week?

I’m going to pray about it.

Wish me luck.

 

 

Once Upon A Time…

I had this grand idea that if I became a blogger it would make losing weight fun, exciting, and practically easy. Combining something that I love (writing) with something that is hard for me (losing weight) was supposed to be a magical formula.

Wrong.

I gained weight this week.

Again.

I didn’t post Friday (when I’m “supposed” to post) because I could not have cared any less about blogging or weight loss. I sweated this week, serious work my fat off sweat…and not just because we had a few strange-for-L.A. humid days. I zumba-ed, swam, walked, and cardio/weight trained with effort!

But then again…

The week before I did a lot of sitting and enjoying of this scenery whilst beach camping:

I may have indulged myself a time or two in the last two weeks on less than healthy foods. I maybe even ate some candy which means I totally broke my promise to myself to not eat candy until I hit…whatever the goal was. It’s been so long that I’ve forgotten the exact goal. And all I’ve done is gain weight lately. I said at the beginning of this that feeling fat is not a motivator.

Gaining weight when you are trying to lose is not a motivator either. It makes me want to eat the entire carton of mint chocolate chip ice cream in my freezer.

Did you know that tomorrow (3rd Sunday of July) is National Ice Cream Day? I’d like to say that I’m going to have one single scoop, but I think that’s how my indulgences/overindulgence begin…with permission for a “special” treat and then it carries over to the next thing because I’ve already allowed myself other yumminess.

*sigh*

In theory, I know how I should eat and what I should eat. Why is it so difficult in practice?! I love to exercise and to find different forms of exercise to try (especially if it doesn’t aggravate my plantar fasciitis). It’s the food I can’t seem to get a handle on…at least this week it is.

Usually I am much more optimistic. I need to turn this whole thing around and find a way to start again! First thing on my agenda is to make a list of things that DO motivate me in my quest to lose weight/feel happy & comfortable in my body.

Can I really do this? Do I have the willpower? Some days I am not so sure, but I do know one thing. I do not want to give up. I am not ready to give in to the fat. I hate it. It makes me self-conscious all the time. The alternative is to reinvent, to figure out what I CAN do to accomplish my goal.

I want my happy ending.

Wish me luck!

Honest AB

I gained half a pound.

I was feeling so confident! I got 3 and a half workouts in. I felt like I looked better in my clothes. I pulled out a pair of pants from the dark recesses of the closet and remembered why I liked them before I had banished them for being tight. However, the outcome of my weigh-in was NOT what I anticipated.

So I thought I would measure. I hadn’t done that since February. I was sure it would show results that the scale did not. That I would be buoyed up when I saw those inches coming off.

Except I didn’t.

Instead of inches coming off I found that I had increased overall by about 3 inches since February. Talk about discouragement!!! Then I pulled classic AB out of my hat and started to justify what I was seeing, give it an outside cause, but after a few minutes I remembered my one blog rule: Be honest. I needed to begin with being honest to myself.

This past week I repeatedly justified eating unhealthy snack and treats. REPEATEDLY! Frequently this week as I was eating a cookie (or ice cream or straight up chocolate chips) I wondered what happened to the AB of last September/October. She could turn down treats. She could avoid the kitchen when she was tired. She had determination.  Where did that come from. It must still be inside me! I just need to find that AB again. I’m going to spend time this weekend looking at my earlier blog posts, reading my personal journal, and praying. Maybe by next Friday I will find the AB who can stand in a circle of friends and watch while they eat pretty cupcakes. Maybe then I can hold my head up high, because right now I’m feeling a little ashamed of myself. I don’t want to lie to anyone, especially not me. Yet I seem to continually set myself up for failure.

Well! Failure is not an option this time around. I’m confronting this nasty bad habit head on….tomorrow. Because tonight I’m falling asleep at the desk.

Wish me luck!

Easy peasy lemon squeezy

I noticed this week that all my blog friends seem to be in the same state of slupdom as I am. What is up with us? Glad they/you are all still here and still writing. Persistence is key to success….at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

I gave myself a bye last week. It’s time to face the music.

About a month ago I posted that I’d only lost 2 pounds in a month. In the same amount of time I’ve gained those stupid 2 pounds back. S.T.U.P.I.D. Why is it so much easier to gain weight than it is to lose it?! Because I really have to want it? This is hard work.

Hard work and persistence.

I’ve let myself succomb to stress lately. You don’t want to know all the details. I mean, I know you’ve heard about my period, deaths in my family, and seen me in a bathing suit but I think that hearing about the stresses in other people’s lives is too depressing to be interesting. “They” say that stress causes your body to hold on to the fat…and hold onto the bad fat that just sits around your middle. The kind of fat I am encumbered with.

Hard work, persistence, and don’t forget to relax.

Piece of cake…just as long as you don’t eat it.

Wish me luck.