I’m a little late, I know. I debated about not posting at all. I hate the idea of all my posts just being a depressing rant that doesn’t do anyone any good except maybe me. Who wants to read sad posts week after week anyway? Yet that is where I am. I am frustrated, angry, bitter, and sad.
I want so much to be happy when I read my fellow surviving blogger’s posts about losing weight each week. It’s awesome what she is doing. How great it is that she is getting it done and seeing results. I shouldn’t have any resentment, right? Especially when I didn’t spend 50 minutes on a treadmill. I do though. I am an awful, terrible person.
Or am I just human?
I am happy for you Autumn. I am! Maybe it is seeing your success brings my failure blindingly to the front? Maybe the fact that a woman with a newborn is killing it and I do not have that excuse!
What’s my excuse?! Why is the scale up this week?! Why am I sinking even deeper?!
Sigh! I find myself reaching for my “fat” pants, something I haven’t done in a long time. Every time I do, I am reminded of my husband’s words, “Now that you are in smaller pants, you should get rid of all your bigger clothes so you aren’t tempted to fall back.” I did get rid of most of my pants. Mainly because I hate clothes shopping so much that I will wear a pair of pants until they are holey and indecent. These one pair have the widest legs, waist and aren’t so thread bare yet that I can’t/shouldn’t wear them. I kept them “just in case.” They are still big on me, but for how much longer?
I went in this week for a year checkup on my sleep disorders. None of my treatments or meds seem to be working any more. The doctor was pleased when he saw my weight. “You’ve lost!” “No, actually I’ve gained!” I’m down from where he last saw me, so he’s pleased, but I know how much better it could have been. I still left not only with another year worth of prescriptions, but a new one as well. It feels like a defeat to be put on more pills. Pills for nighttime. Pills for daytime. This is stupid!
Honesty, right? We are suppose to be honest. Well this is the yucky side of the yo-yo. I don’t think I am the only one that goes through this. But, Maybe I am.
I spent 20 minutes on the eliptical this morning. That’s all I had time for and I really didn’t want to be doing that at 6am, but I did. And something is better than nothing. Hopefully I can get something done every day!
I love ya Autumn! I am proud of you! You go and don’t look back!!!
I gained half a pound.
I was feeling so confident! I got 3 and a half workouts in. I felt like I looked better in my clothes. I pulled out a pair of pants from the dark recesses of the closet and remembered why I liked them before I had banished them for being tight. However, the outcome of my weigh-in was NOT what I anticipated.
So I thought I would measure. I hadn’t done that since February. I was sure it would show results that the scale did not. That I would be buoyed up when I saw those inches coming off.
Except I didn’t.
Instead of inches coming off I found that I had increased overall by about 3 inches since February. Talk about discouragement!!! Then I pulled classic AB out of my hat and started to justify what I was seeing, give it an outside cause, but after a few minutes I remembered my one blog rule: Be honest. I needed to begin with being honest to myself.
This past week I repeatedly justified eating unhealthy snack and treats. REPEATEDLY! Frequently this week as I was eating a cookie (or ice cream or straight up chocolate chips) I wondered what happened to the AB of last September/October. She could turn down treats. She could avoid the kitchen when she was tired. She had determination. Where did that come from. It must still be inside me! I just need to find that AB again. I’m going to spend time this weekend looking at my earlier blog posts, reading my personal journal, and praying. Maybe by next Friday I will find the AB who can stand in a circle of friends and watch while they eat pretty cupcakes. Maybe then I can hold my head up high, because right now I’m feeling a little ashamed of myself. I don’t want to lie to anyone, especially not me. Yet I seem to continually set myself up for failure.
Well! Failure is not an option this time around. I’m confronting this nasty bad habit head on….tomorrow. Because tonight I’m falling asleep at the desk.
Wish me luck!