Death still sucks

I lost my uncle this week. I know. It’s unreal how many people around me have died in the last 6 weeks. People are starting to think it’s dangerous to associate with me. I’m starting to think they are right.

I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of coping. I’m tired of starting to excited for something (like Christmas and a break from school) only to have my parade rained out. This week I was in finals and trying really hard to not think about how my amazing Uncle Bart will never give me that loving look of praise again or call me “AB”. He’s the one who gave me the nickname when I was a munchkin. There won’t be another holiday where we are all sitting around waiting to eat because he will be here “soon”. How boring is that?!

I didn’t step on scale this week. I didn’t even exercise. I did take 4 finals and go to my check up at the doctor’s office.

My weight loss was as expected and I won’t know until next week what my A1C is…but I have a feeling that he’ll be upping my medication. Because despite my efforts in both diet and exercise my blood sugar has still been high. My blood pressure was high, too, but he’s giving me a pass because of my week. I have to go back in a few weeks to have it checked again.

Please, please do not make me go on an additional medication for that!

Since my schedule will be freed up after tomorrow afternoon (services for Uncle Bart), my plan for the week is to exercise every day Monday thru Saturday for at least 30 minutes. Cleaning the house won’t count. I’m going to get lots of water in and watch my carb intake. More veggies. And I’m going to pray every day that it’s a long time before someone else I love dies, because I need a doggone break. I would like to spend this Christmas season enjoying the people I love and not stressing out about anything. I hope that is not too much to ask.

Wish me luck!

death sucks and i hate being wrong

It has been rough week. Last Friday my Friend got the call that every wife dreads. She has said countless times this week, “You never want to see ‘LA Coroner’ on your caller ID.” Her husband of 200 months was killed in a tragic accident. I think it is meaningful that my post last week was about how we have to adjust to whatever happens in our lives, because the unfortunate truth of that is very real this week for my Friend and her family.

Honestly, it seems to be going beyond her family, this inability to process, accept, and move on. Many from our ward (that’s Mormon for the group we attend church with) have been affected by this death in ways we cannot explain. Yes, it has only been a week and the pain and shock are fresh, but life (carpools, school, music, jobs…) cruelly does not stop because we feel this loss in our lives.

I remember when I was away at college and my brother called to tell me about my grandpa dying unexpectedly. Later that day in preparation for going home to be with my family I had to drive somewhere. I distinctly remember being surrounded by many cars on the road and thinking, “How can they just go on like this? How can they function in a world where he does not exist?” I imagine that my Friend is experiencing exponentially similar pain and confusion.

How do we deal with the pain? How do we come to terms with living while those we love are not? I’ve started by trying to remember that for which I am grateful, an appropriate activity for this month of Thanksgiving. I’m also taking my Friend’s advice: Treasure your husband (she is quite wise and wonderful and an amazing example of strength, testimony and love). Yesterday I went on a date with my husband. Yesterday was a hard day. The day after the funeral. The day I weigh in (and am supposed to blog). The day I found out I gained a pound. Woe is me right? But my reward at the end of the day was time with my husband. After a little shopping and dinner at Five Guys, we ended up at the movies where I did something I was not sure I wanted to do. Something that I had debated back and forth within myself and discussed with my husband many times. I’m pretty sure I even told a few people there was no way I would support this effort. But alas, I was too tired to wait an extra half hour for a different movie, so I bit the bullet and went to see Footloose.

Dang it if it wasn’t really good. Really good! The plot was updated. Costumes and names and vehicles (!) stayed true to the original (which was one of my top 3 faves as a teenager). I even thought several of the actors looked similar to those in the original. Overall, I thought it was a good tribute to the Footloose I knew as a kid. Not only did I like it (dang it), but I learned (or maybe was reminded of) some important things. First, everyone grieves. We have all had loss on some scale. We can find common ground and can grow together through our grief (bet you didn’t think the movie was that deep). Second, and probably most applicable to this blog: when your sad, pissed, or just need to blow off steam dancing is an excellent way to do it!

Yep, dancing.  I remember going dancing a lot in my younger years and it wasn’t always about cute boys. Sometimes it was just about enjoying the music and moving until I was sweaty and exhausted. Maybe you prefer running or kickboxing? But the point is that it is way more healthy to deal with those emotions through exercise rather than feeding your face…or sitting around pouting. Both of which I’m really good at. My Friend must know this (at least in theory) because before her husband’s funeral she signed up to run a marathon next May. See…she’s amazing.

My goal for this week is to dance. Dance until I’m sweaty. I doubt that I’ll look as good as either Ren MacCormack dancing around an abandoned warehouse, but dog gone it I’m going to feel better after.

Wish me luck (and add some prayers that I won’t have any other deaths to blog about next week)!

good news/ bad news

I’m staring at an unopened 20 oz. caffeine free Diet Coke (CFDC). I bought it less than an hour ago. I’ve been craving a soda for two days. Don’t get me wrong. Water is wonderful. Sobe Lifewater is delish. My soymilk (lactose intolerance) makes great protein shakes. But, oh how I’ve missed my bubbly friend.  CFDC is going to sit on the pencil sharpener and watch me blog. Maybe when I’m finished I’ll be ready to decide if I should crack it open or not.

Are you a bad news or good news first kind of person? Because I’m a “gimme the bad news” kind of girl. It’s always good to finish on a positive note, right? It’s settled then.

Bad news, part one: I did not avoid sugar this week. Well, that’s not a completely true assessment. Five peanut butter M & Ms is a drastic reduction from my previous habit of eating too many to count. The morning I ate the not-worth-it donut (which made me never want another donut again) I was in a bit of an unexpected time crunch and I ate no carbs the rest of the day…and parked extra far from my classroom. While I didn’t avoid sugar altogether I did drastically reduce my intake and paid better attention to what I was putting in my mouth.

Bad news, part two: Bed by 10 pm is a pipe dream.

How about some good news?! I went to two of the three free exercises classes taught at my church (Thank you, Mandy, for making me sweat uncontrollably. You are AWESOME!) I have a friend who even motivated me to think of this morning’s class in terms of last chance workout Biggest Loser style (friend, cousin…whatever). I definitely pushed harder (and kept thinking about CFDC as a reward). I walked farther distances than I had to on campus (not just on Donut Day), and I went swimming with my kids almost every day (thank you summer for lasting so long…I think).

More good news:

That’s another 1.8 lbs down! I’ve been trying not to set weight goal deadlines for myself, but if I can keep losing at this rate I could be in the 220s by my last post of October (5 weeks away). The thought of it chokes me up. But! I don’t want to be unrealistic…just motivated. This is the beginning of the hard season for me. Treats are everywhere….

WAIT…

That reminds me! I almost forgot to tell you: At the end of one of the three tests I took this week my professor had several plates of goodies out for us to choose from when we finished. While I was taking my test I could smell the chocolate wafting over to me.  Honestly, it was kind of annoying. I wasn’t even tempted to take one as I handed him my test and walked out the door. It has never been that easy to walk away before. Do you know why I could do that? I pondered it for a few minutes and then it came to me. This blog. You. Yes, You, my reader friend. For the first time I feel like I have a real team, a real group of people who read, comment, and give me words of encouragement when they see me in real life and online. I know that if I eat that brownie it won’t be worth it and I can’t lie about it to you. I want to succeed, because you are here reading and making me want to…you make me want to try harder, to pay attention to myself, to stick to my goals. I think I used to feel like it didn’t matter if I kept my goals or not…who would know. But now…I have you. I thank you…and yet that seems so insufficient. Please keep reading. Please share your struggles. I want to reciprocate. As much as I love “Go get ’em” comments I love the ones even more when you share with me what is hard for you. I promise this is the place to come for support and motivation. And I only have You to thank. {insert hug here}

Now! This week. I’m going to start it with a CFDC. {pause} Ahhhhhhhhh! Totally worth two weeks without soda. Maybe next time I’ll make it three weeks.

Goals…

• workout lots – try to fit in a morning walk
• try another quinoa recipe (our stove is fixed – yay!)
• eat more veggies
• try harder to get to bed by 10 pm
• don’t be weak, stay away from sugar, my slips have not been worth it

Wish me luck!

p.s. have you seen the new and improved 60-year old Kirstie Alley? If not, click here. If she can do it….