Monthly Archives: May 2012

Stress & Surprises

Okay, so TECHNICALLY today is Thursday. I am actually banking on the fact that my West Coast contributors to this blog are all still fast asleep in their beds, that I can sneak this in virtually unnoticed. LOL. Okay, let’s start off with a quick Q&A.

1. Where have you been the last few weeks?

      Alive. Not wanting to face the firing squads, I went into hiding a bit. Actually, the stress of end of school, a bit of FRG craziness, and sick kiddos filled my plate.

2. Have you been keeping up with your goals?

      Yes, actually I have. Maybe not as well as I would have hoped (or had anticipated). However, I have lost more weight..dropped another dress size, and am getting really jazzed about the incredibly shrinking me.

3. What results have you seen?

   I went to see my bariatric surgeon last week. My overall weightloss percentage (meaning total that I have lost of my excess weight.. looking at the # he wants me/ the charts say I am suppose to be at)  is 47% lost. Which is amazing considering I don’t reach my 1 year post-surgery mark until end of July. He is very no-nonsense and wants me over the 50% mark by then. I am sooo gonna meet that goal..and SURPASS it!!

4. Break it down.. can you show me the Numbers?

Yes. Here we go, nuts & bolts details of where I am at. LOL. Actually, I will preface it to say that I hit an amazing milestone that I a pretty happy about. I. Bought. A. Bathing Suit. AND I LIKE IT!!! It still is weird shopping in the “skinny section” of the stores. You know what I mean. The area that doesn’t have a “W” behind any of the sizes!! My new found awesome swim attire is a red little number in a size…wait for it, 14!! woohoo. It is awesome to be able to put it on and actually see a glimpse of a figure that won’t scare little children at the pool. LOL. You asked for a number. Heehee. Okay, here’s another. Another part of me has shrunk… MY FEET!! I used to wear a size 11W. Well, I was looking for shoes for my Virginia escape this weekend, and I kept laughing. All of the size 11W’s were sliding off of me, and making me look like I had clown shoes on. Heehee. So..long story short, I am totally digging the size 10M sparkly, strappy pair of shoes that found their way to my home.

 

That is my story, and I am sticking to it. Heehee. I am working out for 40 minutes a day at LEAST 4 times a week. I am seeing changes. I am experiencing results. I am trying my best to stay in this good mojo frame of mind!! Later my weightloss peeps.. have a great weekend. I am sooo going to. My skinnier self is boarding a plane. Virginia bound for a wedding (and meeting a very sweet little princess for the very 1st time.) I LOVE icing on cakes of awesomeness!). 

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Crutches? We don’t need no stinkin’ crutches!

I hope you are getting some relaxation and family time in this long weekend and not going too crazy at the BBQ’s and graduation celebrations.

I survived bathing suit shopping, although I do not wish to do it again anytime soon.

The side effects are getting better.

Something someone said to me a while ago has been running through my head. People lose weight when they run outside.

What’s the difference? Besides being inside, not having anyone stare at you as they drive by, and never reaching that tree you’re staring at through the window, what does the treadmill have that the road/trail doesn’t?

A crutch!

As much as I try to convince myself that holding the sides doesn’t change anything, perhaps it does. People running outside do not have anything to hold on to. Nothing to “help” them get to the end. So I decided to try it. No not running outside. I am not quite brave enough to subject the neighbors to that sight. I was not going to hold on, rest my hands, check my pulse, whatever other justification might be used.

The first time was quite an eye opener. I started with  a cocky attitude of  “Seriously, it won’t make a difference.” By the halfway point of my program I was dying. Sweating like I had not done before. I caught myself several times raise my hands, you know to check my pulse, but stopped short. The second run or the 3rd, 4th, and 5th for that matter, was not any easier than the first and I did check my pulse once, but was very conscious of  how long my hands were there.

I also tried something I saw a couple other runners doing. I took my sweat towel and covered the display board. No more using the time as a crutch. Knowing I just have “x” amount of time left. Or the speed crutch. I can’t go faster than “x.” I just hit the up arrow (which is not covered) until it’s a good challenge. I have peaked a couple of times and have surprised myself with how fast I was going. No 10-minute miles yet, just faster than I ever let myself get when I could see the display.

I am stronger than I think, more capable than I think. I need to stop the negative thinking of what I think I can’t do. Easier said than done, I know. I psyche myself out way too much.

I did my weigh-in on Wednesday not really expecting anything since it’s the week leading up to “that” time. Really how many weeks out of the month can we use that excuse? Anyway, the scale was my friend. I nearly cried when I saw 230.4. Down 5lbs from the week before. Could it be that I am finally on my way down the number scale. Could all the blood, blisters, sweat, doctor appointments, nightly torture, and tears FINALLY be paying off?!

Time will tell I guess. It has certainly boosted my motivation and made me pretty happy and with a resolve to not screw it up on my vacation. We leave this week.

My plan is to make good food choices. This may be the hardest with family reunions over meals, a wedding, 50th wedding anniversary and birthday celebration. Let’s face it, who doesn’t indulge on vacation? Isn’t that what they are for?

I will still workout, even run. OUTSIDE! Gasp, I know! I am preparing myself  mentally that I know no one. No one knows me. I will never see any of the people who live or are staying around us again. I am kind of curious to see if running at sea level really is different from running at a higher elevation. Our rental in Florida has a pool. I plan to swim. A lot!

I want to come home and have not gained, maybe even losing weight!

Not sure I will be blogging until I get back. Wish me luck!

Fail

Yes, that’s right. I employed the most overused proclamation of the current day to describe my week in fitness. I’ve lost all creativity in my final week of school. Good thing I’m not an art major.

This week wasn’t a total failure. I had good days, but none that included exercise. Then my kind mother made oatmeal cookies (my fave) and weakness set in. Other than my lack of exercise and cookie indiscretion I made some good choices!

I do have a good excuse for not getting to my regular Friday exercise today though. My husband and I met our realtor and looked at a house. Of course, it gave off a strange vibe (my hubs said it was like serial killers had lived there before) and we were in no way interested. So I missed exercise to check out a dud. Darn.

Now I’m at the library. Already took one exam and now I should be writing my essay for my history final, but I couldn’t leave my friends high and dry wondering how I did this week. Sorry it isn’t better news. I will take on the attitude of Scarlett O’Hara and remind myself that, “Tomorrow is another day!”

On a side note, I really appreciate all the love and support and “You can do it!”s. Your encouragement means more than you know. I’m prepared to fight the good fight because I have you guys cheering me on.

Four exams to go. Even though I look stressed, no one needs to make me cookies, k? I promise there will be a weigh in and a change in attitude next week.

Wish me luck.

Life’s a piece of cake

This has been a stressful week for me  consumed with this…

These are hand made and colored out of gumpaste(sugar).

The wedding was being held at “THE” place to have your wedding in the area. (If you have the money.) It was a big deal to me so my anxiety level was through the roof.

Couple that with dealing with side effects from a new medication and it has not been a fun time. I had an appointment with the sleep clinic before last post. I scored worse on my tests showing I am even more tired and not adjusting well with the CPAP. I just have to keep going with the mask torture at night, but they put me on  a medication to “wake” me up during the day.  I was assured it is not addicting and not speed. Apparently our troops “pop them like candy on patrol,” said the doc.  Hubby was with me and thought it was a good idea. He also liked that it has a mild antidepressant in it.

I was not thrilled with the idea of being medicated all day 24/7. A pill to make me sleep, a pill to keep me awake and alert. I became even less thrilled when nearly every side effect on the list became my friend. Doc told me at the appointment that he’s really only seen patients with headaches from it.

I feel wired. My hands shake. I’m jittery. Headaches, stomach pains, dizziness, nausea,  and trouble sleeping. I also have no appetite and I mean none. I could go all day and not even think about food. I have to force myself to eat, because you do need fuel, but I have a very hard time getting through half of the serving. It has been just over a week and it’s only mildly getting better. But, I am definitely not falling asleep behind the wheel and I am staying on top of things  at home. I should go visit AB and take care of her laundry for her ;-P

I think if I were used to caffeine it might be different. I hate coffee, do not drink pop, and only have raspberry tea a few times a year. It’s my special occasion drink.

I have gotten in some kind of a workout everyday except one because of the above but I probably still could have done it that day too.

I don’t know where my weight really is right now. At the dr appointment I was up 5 lbs from when I saw him 6 weeks ago, up 8 pounds from where I weighed in at 2 1/2 weeks ago for my weight loss challenge, and on my home scale now I am down 13 pounds from the dr visit last week. Obviously none of our scales match. I think I will just weigh in this week on the Kaiser scale for the challenge and go from there. All I know is my pants need belts.

Wish me luck. I must go swimsuit shopping this week before our trip. Oh the horror!!!!!

Giving In

This was last Friday’s weigh in.

Last Saturday afternoon while I was mad studying for a test I realized I hadn’t even blogged on Friday. That is how crazy the last month of school is for me. I only have 13 days left until my semester is over. Between now and then I have 5 exams, 1 project and 2 presentations. Of course, in my spare time I can wave at my children from a distance and hope they are eating more than goldfish and chicken nuggets while I ignore them. This is what the laundry looks like at my house

…and there’s another similar hamper in another room. One of my children may have turned his shorts inside out so he could wear them a second day. Heaven help me.

The last few days I’ve been thinking about how I just never got a handle on balancing my workouts & eating healthy with all the other stuff in my life.  I had pretty much decided that I won’t care for the next two weeks about what or when I’m eating and if I can get a workout in or not. I’ll pass go, collect my $200 and exchange it for a do-over when my semester is over on June 1st.

And then…

I had a really awesome workout this morning. I led the workout for a few ladies at our church building, because the Awesome Mandy is on her way to Utah to run a marathon tomorrow (which is where I’d be going to run the half marathon if my foot was healed). It was sweaty and stress relieving. I came home and stuck to my neurotic routine. When I reluctantly stepped on the scale this happened…

This is almost 2 pound less than lasts week. It is my lowest weight since starting to blog by 1/5 of a pound, too (significant to me when I am struggling). Am I ever going to break this 226?!?!?

I am.

I may only get my Friday morning workout in again this week, but I will try for at least one more workout. I am watching what I put in my mouth. I will not give in to the excuse of the end of my semester for the next two weeks.

DAGNABIT! I just want to be 225 point something next week! I can. I will.

Wish me luck!

…and wish my friends “Good luck!” who are running the Full or Half marathon in Ogden this weekend while you’re at it!

 

 

Obsessed

That word has been one used toward me a lot lately. And by a lot, I’m pretty sure 5 different people called me that today alone. Now, I will tell you, I’ve been called much worse… but tonight {as I was doing some unproductive retail therapy which btw- when you are doing retail therapy and you don’t find a single freakin thing it makes you feel like you might actually need real therapy… couch and doc with a note pad included} I realized how obsessed I’ve gotten. Let me bring you up to speed…

The last two weeks I’ve been a little lot focused on my weight. Like crazy focused. Let me bring up the good to this. In 2 weeks I’ve lost 8 lbs. I’ve been primarily eating protein and veggies and drinking more water than I think is good for you. I’ve been staying away from sugar for the most part which is HUGE {if I didn’t feel so guilty I’d probably have dessert after breakfast, lunch, and dinner}. I was a little naughty on Mother’s Day, but seriously I remember hearing somewhere that calories, carbs, and fats don’t count on Mother’s Day. Which is a good thing because the hubs made some sinful brownies for me. The ingredients included chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, Nutella, and toasted coconut. I think I just gained a pound thinking about them! Anyways, Sunday I was a tad naughty but I got back on track Monday and have stayed there ever since. This morning I woke up and weighed and I was up .6, I might have cried. I’ve been crazy good. How in the world did I GAIN?! I know what you’re thinking, it’s only .6 but that .6 put me to losing just 8lbs instead of 9. Disappointment struck. I let this consume me for most of the morning {until I put on my New Kids On The Block Pandora station at work and jammed causing an insta better mood!}. I told every single one of my friends I work with about my huge failure. To which they all told me I was crazy and obsessed and needed to stop. So, tonight as I was sulking around every store in Mesa trying to find cute closed toed shoes {don’t worry, I already know that sentence makes no sense… there is no such thing as CUTE closed toed shoes} or a shirt to wear to dinner tomorrow night I started thinking about it more. I really have gotten obsessed. I sneak into the bathroom and weigh at night. If I wake up during the night, I’ll find my way to the bathroom, get undressed {because my jammies and hair tie might skew the number} and weigh. I look at the calories of everything I put in my mouth. I was mortified tonight that I didn’t realize my gum contained 10 calories. There’s a fine line between healthy and obsessed and I’ve crossed that line.

I told a friend that I wanted to lose 20lbs and then I’d be happy. My friend’s response made me cringe at how true it was… “well, when you get there do you think that will be good enough for you? Will it ever be good enough for you?”. That’s a scary thought. So tonight, my little blog friends, I’m resolving to change the voice inside me that is telling me that I will never be enough. I want to be good… not just good enough.

The pic I’m posting is from this morning… I picked it apart and found 100 different things wrong with me in it. Then I realized, I couldn’t even wear that shirt a month ago, and the belt was too tight last week and is on a smaller hole than I tried it last week. My pants weren’t nearly as tight as they had been fitting me and they were fresh out of the wash. I know I’m a work in progress, but I’m working on it and by admitting my craziness is helping keep me real, so thank you.

Seriously, as I was driving to work this morning I realized I neglected to put on eye make up. That’s why I look dead. Don’t worry, I turned around and came home to put on some much needed shadow, liner, and mascara! 🙂

 

XOXO,

Autumn

Get pampered today!

To all of you lovely ladies, even if you do not have children (because let’s face it our husbands are like having a child,lol), Have a relaxing well deserved day off!

My sweet hubby, after working a 12-hour shift in a busy ER, brought me roses and made me my favorite southern breakfast that I do not allow myself to have very often. I did limit myself to one biscuit with gravy, one piece of bacon, and a scoop of hashbrowns with cheese and green chile. So it was southern on two levels ;-P

I am off to work. What do you think the chances are of the teens cleaning the house while I am gone?

Where oh where did I go?

 So last week was insane. We had several amazing events for our Church that kept me running. It was all worth it , and I enjoyed spending time with my family as we all shared the experiences. The spiritual rejuvenation also gave me a renewed goal to better myself. For me, for my family, as an example so my kids don’t head down my path.

  I started this week with that goal in mind, and decided to change a few things up. I take my daughter to an early morning class that gets me back home at 615am. That gives me a full hour before the 3 other monkeys need to be awake for the day. Usually I let my laziness get the better of me and I dive for my pillow. Not this week. I have grabbed my running shoes and popped in a workout DVD. The soreness in my re-awakened muscles have just reaffirmed the fact that I am doing something right. So, I have continued the pattern each morning this week. Amazingly, I haven’t died…I haven’t eaten my arms off either. LOL. I …*GASP* FEEL.GOOD. I know, weird isn’t it. I also decided I wouldn’t look at the scale until next Monday. That way I can see (hopefully) a big change, rather than the 1/2 a pound. Best thing that happened…the capris I got that were too tight, THEY FIT!!! Woohoo. They are definately not the size I want to stay in (resale shops are excellent for that very issue), but they are a step towards where I want to be. At this point, I have 65lbs to go before I reach awesome, 30+ before I get to see a “1” as the initial number in my weight, and less than 10lbs before I reach my 100 pound loss. Yowza. Breaking it down like that seems more acheivable.

       Tomorrow my son turns 8. That is the number I am working on losing before his baptism on the 20th of this month. Crossing my fingers and keeping my chin up that I will be able to continue on my path. It only leads to a better me…and that is TOTALLY worth this journey!!

Oh, It has been awhile.

Not sure where to start, so I just jump on in.  Four weeks ago, I noticed my “smaller” pants getting a bit on the baggy side.  WHOOOO HOOOO!!!  you all say, well I did too.  When it came time to step on the scale I was extremely excited to see what the number would be.  So, I followed the ritual, and hopped on…That was NOT what I was expecting.  So, I stepped off, hopped on, stepped off, hopped on, and well it may as well have been judgement day.  I gained weight!!  Oh, I know I shouldn’t have been angry, but I was.  I was so angry I wanted to take that scale and throw it out the window.   I know the way my clothes fit is so much more important that what the dreaded scale says, but it took me awhile to get over it. 

So, the next week came and I was not going to get on it, and can you believe I was still to angry to blog….that was dumb.  I love writing about my experiences, even when they are not great.  I miss reading the other bloggers, and I mostly miss the accountability.  So….. I’m back. 

My pants are getting baggier, and that is great.  But, when I hopped on the scale, I have actually gained 3 pounds over the past 4 weeks.  I can contribute that to so many things, and I am not as discouraged of the weight gained as I am the time I have lost being angry and stubborn and not losing.  What a waste of time. 

It is proving to be an amazing, yet extremely busy month.  I will have to do a lot of planning, and mostly be more intentional about my diet and exercise.  

Love you all. 

Anger itself is not an issue, how we choose to respond to it is a reflection of our truer character.  I am planning on working on this. 

I pray that God blesses you all the way he has blessed me. ❤  He is my Rock.

Stupid sayings of the week

Maybe ignorant is the better term. Either way Some things really got to me this week. I wonder if they would have affected me as much if I was at my goal weight.

“I can run a 5k in my sleep.” Thank you DH.

“You should run outside. That’s how people lose weight.” Not necessarily stupid, just a “what” scratch my head moment.

“I wouldn’t be caught dead at the beach if I were her size.” Overheard while walking away after having a conversation about our vacation plans to Florida in a few weeks.

“I really shouldn’t, I am up to a size 4.” A friend refusing cookies from a coworker she made for appreciation week.

“I wish I had an excuse to be fat.” I knew there was a reason I didn’t talk about having apnea.

There were others. Maybe it was the supermoon making people crazy. Or just making me more sensitive.

It was an okay week. I blew off the gym one day to take the kids to the zoo. Carrying around a 25 lbs child who decided they didn’t want to ride in the wagon counts as a workout, right?! LOL. It was a few hours of walking anyways.

I don’t know where I am going with this post and have no great insights or motivation. Just babbling I guess.

Goals for this week.

Earlier bedtime

Run at least 4 days

Watch the carbs-my Achilles heel

Try to not keep stressing over how many days are left until we leave for a family wedding and that I haven’t lost my goal for that date yet. Easier said than done.

The weather calls for snow- In May! Love where I live and love the cold! No swimsuits!!!

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