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I have been avoiding this blog.

I will say that I have been too busy. That I meant to blog but before I knew it, it was Monday and then Tuesday or Wednesday. Plus it wouldn’t be nice to take someone else’s day to blog. How rude! I meant to post, I really did, but it was so late…..yadda yadda yadda!

Truth is I was too ashamed. I hate my body! I hate my weight! I hate how I look! I hate the scale. I hate my clothes. I hate the mirror!  I hate how I feel! I. HATE. THIS!

I have lost all momentum. I have gained back all weight. I’m on more meds. I am back to the beginning. I keep deciding to start again only to find a reason I didn’t. I’m too tired to get up early and work out. I’m too busy during the day. I’ve never liked working out at the end of the day. I’ll eat better tomorrow. I get frustrated when I do workout because I am a slug. I think about what I use to be able to do and get depressed and then guess what? I don’t workout because it’s too depressing.

My big plan of looking amazing for my high school reunion next year is getting to be a distant memory. My idea of being below 200 by the summer is long gone. My desire to be off my meds and CPAP is replaced with more medication. I have avoided this blog because my motivation has not been there. What is there to write? Who wants to hear me say week after week that I did nothing? That my weight is up? That it is easier to sit here and eat ice cream than get up before 5am and sweat it out. It’s easier being fat and lazy. Food taste good. Why deprive myself of the goodness that is bread? Why get all stinky and sweaty and sore. Why get out of this comfy chair to get sore muscles and not be able to move? This is easier.

So why do this? Why write today? Why try again? Because, while this is easier, I hate it! I don’t want to live in sweats. I don’t want to reach for my fat pants. I want to be able to shop for clothes in normal sizes. I don’t want to be embarrassed by how I look. I want to turn my husband’s head. I want to live a long life.

We are going to try this again! I am! I am! I am!