Who is this?

Kris? Who in tar-nations is Kris?

Yeah, ok it’s been awhile. Alright, a long while.

So what have I been up to?

Whelping 10 puppies.              Planning a community outreach event for our church. Over 500 people came.

Having another sleep study, changing meds, fighting with insurance, being frustrated!

Graduating my oldest from high school.

Dealing with a family member dying and hubby going to TN to help take care of him.

Hubby going to the night shift and becoming like a single parent again.

Living life.

And getting FAT!

It’s like I never lost weight. It’s all back and I hate it!

Going into this month, my boss (pastor) came to me asking if I would be interested in a gym membership. There was an opportunity to get a corporate rate at his gym. They needed 5 and after he and his wife, the worship pastor and his wife, they needed one more. I’m not sure what reaction he was expecting, I think he just asked me out of courtesy, but the look of surprise was unmistakable as I blurted out “YES!” without any hesitation at all.

It’s conveniently located blocks from work (the church) and they have great machines. The locker room is the nicest I’ve seen in a gym with a changing room, so insecure people like me can get dressed. Although, I have been the only one in the locker room every time I have been there so far.  What I don’t like is the check-in.

It’s an easy tag on my key ring that I just scan and go on my way. On a computer screen pops up my picture and a lovely “Hello Kris” greeting. Under it though, are the mocking words, “This is your 4th time here.”

Thank You, Thank You very much for reminding me how hard it is to get back in the habit. That I’ve had the membership almost a month and have only made it there 4 times. That 4 times is not enough to see results. I feel like it laughs at me when I check in. Four is better than none though right? The important thing is that I am there. (I have to keep telling myself that!)

The first visit was brutal. Half hour of cardio was not happening, it still isn’t but it’s getting easier. Today I even tried doing some running. I’m sure I looked like a blob, but it was encouraging that I could go faster starting out than I did the last time I started training. Guess I haven’t completely lost all the good effects. Each visit has gotten a little bit easier though. Soon it’ll be the 14th visit, then 40th, then 400th, right?! I’ve just got to get in the habit again.

In the meantime. Enjoy this video. This is so me and I have had every one of these thoughts!

No Excuses

I haven’t felt like blogging. There’s nothing to blog about. At least not on this blog anyway. My weight sucks. My life is chaotic. It’s easier to just get fat.

This, my friends is the ugly side of weight loss.

It’s because of these setbacks that I feel like my goal is unattainable and why bother? I am just going to fail any wind up where I was anyways!

I’m just not getting it done.

I have no excuses!

Oscar the Grouch

I’m a little late, I know. I debated about not posting at all. I hate the idea of all my posts just being a depressing rant that doesn’t do anyone any good except maybe me. Who wants to read sad posts week after week anyway? Yet that is where I am. I am frustrated, angry, bitter, and sad.

I want so much to be happy when I read my fellow surviving blogger’s posts about losing weight each week. It’s awesome what she is doing. How great it is that she is getting it done and seeing results. I shouldn’t have any resentment, right? Especially when I didn’t spend 50 minutes on a treadmill. I do though. I am an awful, terrible person.

Or am I just human?

I am happy for you Autumn. I am! Maybe it is seeing your success brings my failure blindingly to the front? Maybe the fact that a woman with a newborn is killing it and I do not have that excuse!

What’s my excuse?! Why is the scale up this week?! Why am I sinking even deeper?!

Sigh! I find myself reaching for my “fat” pants, something I haven’t done in a long time. Every time I do, I am reminded of my husband’s words, “Now that you are in smaller pants, you should get rid of all your bigger clothes so you aren’t tempted to fall back.” I did get rid of most of my pants. Mainly because I hate clothes shopping so much that I will wear a pair of pants until they are holey and indecent. These one pair have the widest legs, waist and aren’t so thread bare yet that I can’t/shouldn’t wear them. I kept them “just in case.” They are still big on me, but for how much longer?

I went in this week for a year checkup on my sleep disorders. None of my treatments or meds seem to be working any more. The doctor was pleased when he saw my weight. “You’ve lost!” “No, actually I’ve gained!” I’m down from where he last saw me, so he’s pleased, but I know how much better it could have been. I still left not only with another year worth of prescriptions, but a new one as well. It feels like a defeat to be put on more pills. Pills for nighttime. Pills for daytime. This is stupid!

Honesty, right? We are suppose to be honest. Well this is the yucky side of the yo-yo. I don’t think I am the only one that goes through this. But, Maybe I am.

I spent 20 minutes on the eliptical this morning. That’s all I had time for and I really didn’t want to be doing that at 6am, but I did. And something is better than nothing. Hopefully I can get something done every day!

I love ya Autumn! I am proud of you! You go and don’t look back!!!

 

An ounce at a time

Movement!  That’s what I’ve been looking for.  I’m finally seeing some, albeit, one ounce at a time.  I’m still happy to report that this morning my scale smiled 165.8.  It’s a slow go, but at least those pounds are going.

Another milestone for me recently is my running.  I actually ran 21 of my 30 minutes at the gym.  Now hold your applause…I know many of you are runners.  I am not, so this is good stuff for me. I’m running in the Color Run in a few weeks – a 5K and then the Turkey Trot 5K on, well, Thanksgiving.  I’m hoping to run the whole race, so that’s my goal…as well as continuing my ounce by ounce dismissal of fat.

Haven’t had a drop of candy and we’re half way through October.  Holding strong.  How about you?  If you slipped, and munched on a goodie or two, don’t give up so fast.  Try again!   Remember your goal and I promise this will help you through some of the toughest months of the year.  

I Feel Sick

…but it is a different sick than when I paid $4.08/gallon for gas this morning. Is it just me or are gas prices getting out of hand?! (Would it make me a bad mother to put my 6 year old on his bike with training wheels and tell him to ride the 5 miles to school? Come on! Big brother will be right there by him on the busy road with hills which crosses a freeway. No big, right?)

But I digress. Labor Day was a family party where we celebrated my cousin’s birthday, I drank way too much diet soda, and ate a few too many carbs. I woke up on Tuesday feeling nauseous. I tried to blame it on the heat and not drinking enough water, but I know better.

Saturday I went to a baby shower where they had such lovely food! I totally lost my ability to pass on the things I should have. I really want to describe the beauty and deliciousness of it, but I fear that would be counterproductive…for all of us. It was stupid, especially when the day before (my regular Friday weigh in) the scale showed almost a pound more than the week before! Gah!!! Of course, I drowned my sorrows in whatever I felt like eating yesterday.

Will I ever learn?!

I woke up in the night with a sour stomach, feeling like my belly was in knots. I think my body is revolting. I think I need to listen! Sugar = BAD! BAD! BAD!

I had time to post on Friday. I thought about it, too. After my weigh in and knowing that I only had 1 workout and 1 sugar free day I felt like I had nothing to say. This morning I am of a different school of thought, I need to record it when I make the wrong decisions and how it makes me feel. This will be my reminder of why I’ve been trying to hard to make these changes! I don’t want to feel like a slug or have to run to the bathroom every 20 minutes.

This feeling in my stomach today makes me hyper aware of my size. I hate being fat. How do I embrace that hatred and extricate the problem? One big answer (Do THIS everyday and you’ll be in better shape in no time!) would be easier, but it’s a dozen little decisions all day every day. When/how can I fit in my workout? Can I get up early enough to make time for me? Which sandwich bread should I use? Should I snack on a cookie or a handful of snap peas?

It never ends!

BUT! The more bad decisions I make the longer I have to live with this fat. I’m tired of the fat.

Each good decision is like faith. I can decide to read my scriptures, say a prayer, go to church, sing my kids a song about the Savior, or a hundred other things relating to increasing my faith or that of my kids without having to see the immediate blessings that come from those good decisions. Sometimes the blessings are obvious and rapid, but mostly I know it is for overall goodness and happiness. Every cookie I turn down, every time I head to the gym when I want to do something else, all the times I make a good, healthy decision can do the same thing for my general well being and weight loss.

In both my attempts at weight loss and in my spiritual life I know I’ve hit a point where I had to make a decision and just didn’t care which one was right. I took the easy, bad choice. I thank my Heavenly Father for repentance! But let me tell you: repentance is hard. Harder than making the right choice in the first place would have been.

This week I am going to work on my faith. I will have faith that the little things I do will each effect and contribute to helping me reach my weight loss and fitness goals.

Wish me luck.

Autumn? Who is She?

I know, I’ve been MIA. Between the hubs going back to work, the hubs getting laid off a week later, and all the other fun things in between, I’ve kinda let the blog slide to the side. Sorry, friends, family, and loved ones.

So, here’s what I’ve learned the last few weeks. I’m REALLY good at stress eating. Like, if it were an Olympic sport I’d take home the gold! Also, the week of my “womanly time” I should not be allowed in the grocery store. I may have purchased a bag of snacks today that have enough calories to last me the week. Naughty, naughty. But, after eating some of the chips, Twizzlers, cookies, and peanut butter m&ms I realized that I really don’t want to gain back the 9lbs I’ve lost in the past 2 weeks. So, I stopped. And then had a chocolate dipped ice cream cone at McDonald’s tonight {when did they start serving that?! It’s like they want me to be fat! lol}. On the for real, tomorrow will be better. It was one bad day I’m not going to get on myself. I just needed to come clean. So clean is what I am!

And I promise, next time, I’ll talk more about all the salads I’ve been eating and how I’ve actually cooked at home EVERY night this week! HUGE for me! So much better on the belly and bank account, too!

xoxo,

Autumn

Easy peasy lemon squeezy

I noticed this week that all my blog friends seem to be in the same state of slupdom as I am. What is up with us? Glad they/you are all still here and still writing. Persistence is key to success….at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

I gave myself a bye last week. It’s time to face the music.

About a month ago I posted that I’d only lost 2 pounds in a month. In the same amount of time I’ve gained those stupid 2 pounds back. S.T.U.P.I.D. Why is it so much easier to gain weight than it is to lose it?! Because I really have to want it? This is hard work.

Hard work and persistence.

I’ve let myself succomb to stress lately. You don’t want to know all the details. I mean, I know you’ve heard about my period, deaths in my family, and seen me in a bathing suit but I think that hearing about the stresses in other people’s lives is too depressing to be interesting. “They” say that stress causes your body to hold on to the fat…and hold onto the bad fat that just sits around your middle. The kind of fat I am encumbered with.

Hard work, persistence, and don’t forget to relax.

Piece of cake…just as long as you don’t eat it.

Wish me luck.

Reality Check

Lately I’ve been feeling so bad about myself. I’ve been so tired. I’m emotionally and physically drained. ALL the time. I haven’t been working out because that extra 45 min of sleep is not an option right now. I NEED it. But who’s to say that you have to work out at 3 in the morning? {K, so I don’t EVER work out that early but still…} I come home from work and I’m pooped! See, I’m full of excuses.

Yesterday at 5:00 p.m. I decided to weigh. Why? Because I wanted to depress myself after eating junk food for the previous 3 days… it really wasn’t my smartest move. After weighing in 4lbs more than last week I went into the front office and talked to my two friends I work with. I guess I shouldn’t say I talked to them, because I started to cry. Ridiculous. I did nothing to make that scale go the opposite way. I ate horribly, I didn’t work out, I ate late. I indulged {a lot} in carbs. Thankfully, I woke up this morning and I have only gained 2lbs. and learned my lesson about weighing at night. I will NEVER do that again!

So today I had the day off to go to dr appointments and decided that I need to change. A lot. I need to stop talking and start doing. I needed motivation though so I started looking through some pictures. Bry took the most recent 2 pics last week. I obviously need to learn to wear a black bra with that dress, excuse the inappropriateness ;). But looking through the other pics, I see how far I’ve come. I feel a little proud of my progress. No, I’m not at my “goal weight” heck, I’m not even to my lowest weight. But how many people can HONESTLY say that they’ve lost 100lbs and have kept it off? Not too many. So my reality check came today. And it made me want to try harder. It made me want to be able to get to my goal weight, which is a lot closer than when I first started.

Britt and I 4 months before my surgery

Jess and I about 2 years before my surgery

Me 6 weeks before my surgery...Yikes!

See the changes?

Told you I needed a black bra with this dress!

 

So here’s to a new week, a fresh start, and looking forward while realizing how far you’ve come! 🙂

Btw, Brtt and Jess are such great friends I knew they wouldn’t care if I posted their pics without permission! Love you girls, thank you for sticking with me through thick and thin…literally! 😉

xoxo,

Autumn