Giving In

This was last Friday’s weigh in.

Last Saturday afternoon while I was mad studying for a test I realized I hadn’t even blogged on Friday. That is how crazy the last month of school is for me. I only have 13 days left until my semester is over. Between now and then I have 5 exams, 1 project and 2 presentations. Of course, in my spare time I can wave at my children from a distance and hope they are eating more than goldfish and chicken nuggets while I ignore them. This is what the laundry looks like at my house

…and there’s another similar hamper in another room. One of my children may have turned his shorts inside out so he could wear them a second day. Heaven help me.

The last few days I’ve been thinking about how I just never got a handle on balancing my workouts & eating healthy with all the other stuff in my life.  I had pretty much decided that I won’t care for the next two weeks about what or when I’m eating and if I can get a workout in or not. I’ll pass go, collect my $200 and exchange it for a do-over when my semester is over on June 1st.

And then…

I had a really awesome workout this morning. I led the workout for a few ladies at our church building, because the Awesome Mandy is on her way to Utah to run a marathon tomorrow (which is where I’d be going to run the half marathon if my foot was healed). It was sweaty and stress relieving. I came home and stuck to my neurotic routine. When I reluctantly stepped on the scale this happened…

This is almost 2 pound less than lasts week. It is my lowest weight since starting to blog by 1/5 of a pound, too (significant to me when I am struggling). Am I ever going to break this 226?!?!?

I am.

I may only get my Friday morning workout in again this week, but I will try for at least one more workout. I am watching what I put in my mouth. I will not give in to the excuse of the end of my semester for the next two weeks.

DAGNABIT! I just want to be 225 point something next week! I can. I will.

Wish me luck!

…and wish my friends “Good luck!” who are running the Full or Half marathon in Ogden this weekend while you’re at it!

 

 

sassafrassin dagnab varnrummin scale

I have been pouting. Yes, I’m a grown woman and I pout…but only about important stuff.

Last week when Aims posted on Friday I felt like she saved my bacon (yummmm…bacon).  I worked extra hard  last week. I had worked out more and worked out harder. I had been super careful about what I was eating. I had looked forward to stepping on the scale to see my progress! Then…WHAM! Smacked in the face with this

I had weighed in and gained a pound and a half! I was frustrated, unhappy, embarrassed and a little bit ticked.

Let the pouting begin! It didn’t make any sense to me. It was so discouraging. It didn’t make me want to work harder. It made me want to stop trying so hard, so I kinda did. I realized after reading Rae’s Monday post that I was self sabotaging. I began thinking more about what I was doing. There was a whole day last week where I kept asking myself, “Do you want something to eat or are you hungry?” It was effective. I’m thinking of putting it in vinyl on my pantry door.

Tuesday I went to the podiatrist. I have a stupid foot problem called plantar fasciitis. I call it stupid, because it is. Two of the possible causes are being overweight (check) and repeated strain…like the kind of strain that occurs when you are working out and trying to lose weight (check). It’s a dichotomy! A big, fat, stupid dichotomy. My foot has been bothering me a lot and before I start training for the half marathon I’ve signed up to run in May I thought I’d better get some expert advice. I didn’t like his advice. To sum up: Rest. Don’t train. Probably won’t be able to do the half marathon. Stupid doctor. Stupid foot pain. More pouting.

I was dreading  DREADING weighing in this morning. I almost talked myself out of doing it. I had been pouting in my behavior, my attitude, on facebook…everywhere. I didn’t want or need another reason to be discouraged.

I kept thinking about something I overheard a woman say when I was out and about. I didn’t hear any of the conversation beforehand, but when she said these words they planted themselves in my head: “You just have to change your lifestyle!” I didn’t hear any of the conversation afterward because in my head I was mocking her (Oh is that all?!)…and I’m pretty sure she was referring to a third person that wasn’t even there. I hope that I haven’t made this whole process sound easy. I hope that you realize that I am struggling every day with decisions I’m making about what I’m putting in my mouth, how to adjust my behavior in situations where I used to make bad decisions, with finding motivation to do the hard stuff. This is NOT a diet or weight loss program for me. I am changing my lifestyle. There is no “just” about it. This is a Dadgum Change in my life! There is no turning back. Which is why I stepped on the scale this morning even though I did not want to.

I am so glad I did!

I guess my hard work from the week before took it’s time catching up. My husband said he knew I’d lost weight when he heard me say, “That can’t be right!” (he’s not allowed in the room when I weigh in) I did it twice just to be sure. Maybe it was the burpees or liners Mandy “made” us do in exercise class this morning (my two least favorite and also highly effective exercises), but I will take it! Do you realize this puts me a mere 3 pounds from having lost my first 20 pounds?! If I get back on my game and actually work hard this week, really, really hard, I might hit the 20 pound mark by next Friday.  Well, I’m going to just try.

Wish me luck!

Be nice to the skinny chick

When I left home a few days after my high school graduation my sister was 12. Six years can be a lifetime when we’re talking about the difference between being 12 and being 18, but even though I was away our relationship blossomed and we became friends, too. My baby sister came to live with me after her high school graduation so she could go to the college she wanted to, but I wasn’t doing her a favor. Nope, she was keeping me company while as a newlywed my husband had left with the Marine Corps for 6 months. Those months would have been unbearable without her. An added bonus was that she met and married her good husband because of our time together. Sixteen years, five kids born between us and a boob job later I still treasure that time. I’m sad she lives a couple of states away and we can’t play like we did back then.

Yeah, I said boob job. (I probably should have asked her permission first to write about this but we’re both pretty open books about our lives, so…) My sister is one of “those” chicks. You know what I’m talking about: blonde, cute (ok, she’s gorgeous), nice body, great hair, excellent sense of style, smiling… She’s the kind of chick that women who feel frumpy and fat see walking in the mall (or at the grocery store, in the park, down their street) and want to call names that rhyme with witch. As a matter of fact while my sister was here celebrating Chrismtas with us this week she made an off the cuff remark about how strangers where she lives can be really rude. I could sense her sadness even though she didn’t make a big deal.

My sister was raised in the same home as me and taught the same bad habits and learned many of the same unhealthy food attachments that I had. She just dealt with them better…and sooner than I did. She still struggles every day with some of the same things I do. She just didn’t let herself get obese like I did. In fact, recently she did this intense program that didn’t just focus on exercise but on rounding out all the areas of your life for the better. From the bits and pieces I was exposed to it sounded like a little life therapy bundled with the workouts. She is proactive in keeping herself healthy!

She knows stuff about fashion because she has studied and worked in fashion since before she graduated high school. She always looks good…even when she’s not trying to. I thank the heavens that my daughter has her to go to for advice on all things girly. I don’t have the best answers to those questions, but my sister….My sister has style. Grace and style. She is the most fun person to shop with. She is not snobby and doesn’t need to buy expensive brands to help you/her/anyone look good.

When my sister is smiling she isn’t faking anything. The only thing fake about her are her boobs…and frankly, I don’t blame her for getting them done. She looks good and more importantly, she feels good. She paid for them and made the sacrifices, why shouldn’t she?!

In many areas of my life I strive to be more like my blonde, gorgeous, fake boobed, skinny, smiling, little sister.

The next time you see one of “those” chicks instead of getting all judgey and being a witch yourself, find the thing you most like about them (or are jealous of – whatever) and ask them about it. You may be surprised about what you find inside that skinny little package. This one is doing the half marathon with me in May. (1-4-3, sis)

Wish us luck!

Motivating Goals

Goals work for me.  It’s the motivation I need to move.  I ran with some of my friends in the Turkey Trot in our area.  Now I didn’t do a lot of prep for it, but it did spawn something in me to want to keep going.  SO, a friend and I are signed up for another 5K in the area in January with plans to run a 10K in April or so and a half marathon in January of 2013.

Just knowing that I have plans that hinge on other plans that culminate in a big event next year encourages me right now.  I know that if I DON’T get my exercise in and prepare for these runs that I will be discouraged and will eventually stop.  I don’t want to go there, so I’m getting them in.

It seems the weekend is an exception to my exercise routine.  Having my husband home and the activities that come up seem to derail my routine.  I’ve heard it’s good to take a break, but then again, a routine is hard to make and easy to break.  I’m working on finding a fun way to get some exercise in.  Saturday our area had a parade.  Now I didn’t walk the parade but I did get a few minutes in walking the distance to and from my car- not super far, but still a little movin’.  I just need more.

On a completely different note…

My mom and dad are visiting my brothers out of state right now.  They’ll be gone 2 weeks.  I miss them more than I thought I would.  I keep almost calling my mom to do something fun…like going to the parade, or meeting for lunch, or a couple of the Christmasy events going on around here.  I know my brothers are enjoying the time with them since they’ve moved and been a way for a few years.  I understand more what they’ve been feeling now.  I want my mom!  She’s such a fun lady!  I love that we are so close.

My bestest friend, ABC, lost a family member today.  Her uncle died of a heart condition. Of course when things like this happen it makes you think…how can you not?!   I don’t want to lose my mom or dad…or any other family members for that matter.  My mom – she has struggled with her weight for as long as I can remember.  I understand now, as I struggle…along with the rest of us here, right?!  Her back has been keeping her from getting in any exercise and I know she is discouraged.  I am in tears because I don’t know how to help and am touched by how fragile life is.  I know she won’t want me to share all of this, but I promised honesty here and honestly, this is something I think about often.  I hope that she realizes it is because I love her so much and that I hope those who know her will help to encourage her to get the help she needs to get healthy too…so she can live life the way I know she wants so badly to…and selfishly because I want her here with me for as long as possible. Ugh!  It is so hard to lose weight, and even harder when you are hurt.  I love you so mom!  I’ll be here with you every step of the way.

Go hug your loved ones and tell them how much you love them!  Do it regularly!

I’m not wearing underwear

Seriously. TMI? Too bad. My blog. My rules. Honesty is rule #1. This week has been another busy one and it seems my unders have been negelected by the “washer woman” (which is what my husband calls himself when he’s forced to do laundry because I’m always gone). Here I sit waiting for them to dry before I can leave the house.

This whole month has been rather busy. Using “busy” seems like such an understatement. Filled with non-stop activities, many of which were not desirable. But this week has gotten better. No one in my immediate circle has died and lately I count that as a good week. I didn’t have to clean up any puke either. Maybe I should consider it a great week…

Except I weighed in. I told you the stomach virus was cheating last week.

 

Over the course of the last month I have lost less than two pounds! And I haven’t had a single piece of candy. But my post last Friday was rather negative, so I went looking for some good news. I pulled out the tape measure and opened my spreadsheet which I created on October 14th (go ahead, call me a nerd, but spreadsheets make me happy). Since that day I’ve lost 1.8 pounds (big woop), but in the six areas I measure (neck, chest, waist, hips, right thigh, left bicep) I have lost a total of 4.5 inches in the last month. WOOOHOOO!  So maybe I will start believing people when they say they can see a difference.

This week I had a test in my abnormal psych class which in part covered eating disorders. While I don’t want to try to define “normal” I can say that I am definitely not abnormal. Reading about how people (because it isn’t just women) can limit themselves to only drinking coffee, force themselves to puke, take laxatives, workout for 3 hours because they ate a piece of cake…that just reaffirmed that I am doing this the right way. Hard work. The kind of hard work that makes you sweat in front of other people. And go out of your way to avoid the dessert table at church functions. And make insane decisions like thinking I am going to be ready to run 13.1 miles in May. (I got into the Ogden Half Marathon on May 19th!)

I’m going to keep on doing the “normal” things. But right here and now I’m making a declaration. I’m not even calling it a goal. It’s just something I am going to do. (cuz, you know, deciding to run a half marathon wasn’t enough for one week) For the first time in my life I am going to lose weight during the holiday season. By January 1st of 2012 I will show significant progress from my weight today…and because of a stupid statistics class I’m in I could probably do a math problem to prove it…but I won’t.

Wish me luck.

i might be crazy

I don’t feel like writing. Getting dressed for church today I felt fat in everything. Ok, so the skirt I wore was actually barely staying on. Still felt fat. Why does feeling fat make me want to eat my weight in chocolate?

I weighed myself on Friday…

This claims I’ve lost more than 12 lbs. total. I think it was kind of cheating since I had a stomach virus. And 12 lbs doesn’t feel like a whole lot. I know. I know. It is. It’s a big deal. 12 big deals. But I feel more like: big woop.

What? Oh, I’m sorry. Your distracted by what’s on my feet? They’re shoes. No, not water shoes….although, I’m pretty sure they’d be fine in water. They’re Vibram Five Finger shoes. My husband heard about them from a colleage and so we did a little research and decided they might be good for me because of some of the foot problems I’ve had. It’s almost like working out/walking/jogging barefoot except with grip & protection on the bottom of your feet. No padding. I love them. LOVE THEM. I’d been working out barefooted and not doing much walking/jogging, but I like both much better with these.

I don’t like running. I barely can make myself jog. Why get a pair of shoes that is meant to help one run more naturally if I don’t like running? Cuz I’m fat. Need to lose (more) weight. Doing lots of stuff I don’t really like. Hoping to start liking it more. You know it’s funny after a month (or so) of not eating candy that sweet stuff is almost too sweet. I’ve also noticed that my tendency is to reach for candy when I want a quick snack…or I’m bored….or tired. I’m hoping this period of abstinence helps me to retrain my way of thinking and keep avoiding candy. Sorry. Sidetracked. This is how my brain works.

So, I’ve got the fancy shoes, and I hate to run. So why not sign up for a half marathon. Well, at least that was the plan. Hiccup in my plan is that the race I wanted to run (same one my friend who just lost her husband is planning to do the full marathon) well, it sold out in an hour. Had the half marathon in my cart, walked away to help a kid get ready for school, came back, hit submit…SOLD OUT.

Maybe I should take it as a sign.

My sister doesn’t think so. She was going to do the half with me. Do you know how long a half marathon is? 13.1 miles. Crazy, right? Run that all at once. Well, crazy runs in my family. My sister is gung ho. We’re finding a half to do next Spring (Summer would be too hot – and let’s not add something else I don’t like into the mix or I might lose my motivation). So we are looking for a Saturday half marathon in May or June that isn’t too far away (although, I did see one in Ireland I liked)!

Wish me luck.