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I am not on fire

Usually, I post when I am feeling good and motivated and making healthy choices. Not today. I like to keep things positive but I also promised I would be honest on this blog, so if you’re not in the mood for my honesty then I’d suggest you check out some of my older posts (like this one) instead of reading on.

These last few weeks have been tough. I didn’t know how losing my dad would affect me. How could I have? Generally, I’m ok, but I have moments or tasks which bring up my sorrow and make me want to shut down.

Just today I yelled at my husband (who never, ever deserves to be yelled at because he is a saint of a man) because he was talking about packing up my dad’s house as being simple and we “just need to do it”. A fire built up inside me that unleashed anger I didn’t know I had when I shouted out, “MY DAD DIED! NONE OF THIS IS EASY! These are his things. This is all hard and I would rather not do it.”

Sweet man that he is my husband just wrapped his arms around me and whispered comfort and kindness and apologies into my ear.

Along with my avoidance of packing I have been neglecting my fitness goals and nutrition. It has been so much easier to buy food instead of preparing it. Sleeping in is more enticing than early classes at the gym. Everything that I was doing with such ease last fall is suddenly unimportant and a huge inconvenience. My change in focus is showing on the scale.

I didn’t even take a camera into the bathroom on Friday when I weighed in. Maybe I should have because I’m embarrassed to tell you that I’m back up to almost 222. I hate it. It made me cry.

But I suppose I’ve been crying a lot lately.

For now, I’m going to gym even when I don’t want to. Sometimes, it’s half an effort but I suppose that is better than no effort. I bought groceries even though I don’t feel like cooking, but I will.

I will.

This sucks.

But I will be fine. It will take some time and facing things I don’t want to do but I will be fine.

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My daddy.

Wish me luck

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Loss

 

Good Riddance 2014.

It was a tough year for me personally. I found some success improving my healthy habits which resulted in shedding a few pounds (I still have a ways to go), but other parts of my life were… challenging.

In the past few years I’ve been more involved in helping my dad out: doctor’s appointments, grocery shopping, balancing his checkbook & paying his bills. This summer I found him on the floor and unable to get up which started nearly 6 months of being in & out of the hospital and nursing home with only a few short weeks in between where he was home…and fell again. He was pretty steadily getting crankier, needing more attention, and finally began to refuse treatments. I drove the 20 miles to see him at the nursing home 3 and 4 times a week. Because of his condition and refusing medical treatment he started getting confused easily, too, so we never knew what to expect when we went to check on him. The kids and I had a wonderful Christmas visit with him last week and then on Sunday he was no longer responsive. By Monday morning his breathing stopped and he was gone. My daddy died. He was only 73.

This is the hardest loss I’ve ever had to cope with. Yesterday, I spent most of the day crying at the drop of a hat and hiding in my room. But because I have children I put on a brave face and hung out with them to count down to the New Year. Perhaps all the yelling and throwing of Pop-Its was cathartic because as I got into bed I felt a little better. I felt ready to get to work.

Part of that work is getting back into my fitness routine that I abandoned as the holidays came. Healthy eating and exercise will be necessary to combat what I found when I stepped on the scale this morning.

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The pounds are creeping back on! NOOOOOO!!!!

My dad and I both have…had… Type II Diabetes. I was diagnosed younger than him. He never really changed his habits and that was part of the reason his health was so bad. I don’t want to make the same mistake. It’s going to be a tough battle to get rid of this extra weight but I know it will be worth it! Maybe I won’t get rid of the Diabetes but I will get healthy.

This morning I woke with the same desire to get to work and with a need to spend time with my family.  I suggested we go on a family hike. The closest hiking trail to us is a loop. My husband, our boys, and our cute doggy, Lula, hit the trail. About a quarter of a mile in the trail splits and you can take one of two trails: a 2 mile or 5 mile loop. The hubs and I agreed we were in the mood for the long loop.

I’d never done the long loop before and I’m not sure I knew what I was getting myself into (my legs are already sore), but the views were both a reward and a triumph. This is at the top of the trail before we started descending. I swear it was the highest point surrounding our valley. It was so fulfilling to stand up there and look how far away the car was parked!
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That hike was exactly what I needed.

The other part of getting to work is learning how to exist without my dad. I have lots to keep me busy (going through his stuff and getting his place on the market is not a small task), but I know I will miss him in unexpected moments.

This morning I wrote in my journal and when I was finished I turned the page. The sight of these clean, fresh pages coincided with exactly how I was feeling this morning.
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It is time for a fresh start and I am ready for the task. Coincidentally (or perhaps not so coincidentally) it came on the first day of 2015. I’ve only made one resolution for this new year and I think it fits nicely with all that is happening in my life right now: I will not give up on myself, on my goal of ridding myself of this excess weight. Happy 2015!

Wish me luck.

Work vs Work Out ?

I quit my job.

The job itself and the guys I worked for: GREAT!

What wasn’t so great? To sum up: lack of time.

Some women are fantastic at managing a job and family. I am not one of those women, at least not at this point in my life. I knew it was time to leave my part-time job after only four months when both my husband and kids were getting annoyed with me having to go to work.

I’ve decided that my new job is going to be fitness. If I can work out 4 to 6 hours a week then I will be successful. That’s a heck of a lot less time then I was spending in an office.

Of course, there are a few other things that will keep me busy…

D, E,  Hubs and N

Zombie, Cap’n Hook, Smee (my hubs) and Marine

But I think they’re worth some (ok, MOST) of my attention.

Really, my girl (that cute female version of Captain Hook) has already helped me. Last weekend, there was some lots of candy at my house. She and I were eating some a bunch as we watched a show on TV. After the show I said something about how the candy wasn’t that good and how I felt icky. Right there in that moment my beautiful teenage daughter made a pact with me (forced me into a pact?) that we were not going to have any “treats”, except on Sundays and then only 2. It sounded great at the moment, but even as I write this I’m trying to decide if I can make it through the next 36 hours until I get my fix.

Honestly, though, that whole “I’d do anything for my kids” thing seems to have kicked in this week. I am surprised at how many times I had to remind myself, how many times I had to say “No, thanks,” and how many times I probably would have had a treat if I had not made that pact with her.

Each of those decisions piled up to this:

surprised me

I’m embarrassed to say it’s been a year since my weight has been this low. Maybe I didn’t lose it all this week, but considering my last weigh in was 6 pounds heavier… I’m giving Cap’n Hook the credit for keeping me honest.

Now is time for me to get back into those old healthy habits: eating well and working out regularly. I don’t expect to be another 6 pounds down next week at weigh in but I will be sticking to my plan just the same. We will see what kind of rewards await my hard work!

Wish me luck!

 

What would you do if she were your daughter?

People surprise me.

Maybe I should be more cynical and not expect so much of people.

Or maybe people should think before they speak, er, type.

My friend, Andrea, and I were close in high school. We went our separate ways when school was over but thanks to social media we reconnected a few years ago. We have had a couple of lovely visits since then. Her heart is bigger than ever, like many of us she has had her fair share of trials, and I am incredibly jealous of how well she has aged. But not one parent I know could be jealous of her right now.

Her 16-year old daughter Indica is missing.

Some call her a runaway, Indica’s family think (and I agree) that she was lured away from her home. She left without any money or her cell phone. In the note to her family she cryptically said that she was going to be taken care of. After she left they found evidence that she had been talking to adult men that her family does not know, and have no reason to trust. With her name on the news, her face all over social media (in and out of her area), and all her friends being contacted if Indica was free to,  her family believes she would have called to at least say that she was safe by now. If she was free and with someone with any brain at all they would have MADE her call by now to protect themselves.

KSL, the new station local to where Andrea lives, did a segment on Indica. (you can see it here) I was so grateful they chose to run the story! But so disappointed in the comments of idiots on the website. I really hope Andrea and her family aren’t reading their stupidity.

When something bad happens to my child (or someone I love) I go crazy thinking of all the ways I could have possibly prevented the bad. I know just from looking at Andrea’s face in this segment that she is weighed down with all the “What ifs…” Among many other comments that bashed (whether subtly or not) their parenting, was one of the stupidest comments I have ever read. It said something like “Why is a 16 year old wearing so much makeup?” Ya. Let’s blame her make up choices for why she was lured away. That’s like blaming a woman who got raped because she wore something attractive to her attacker.

Don’t be an idiot.

Better than that, instead of sitting in your cozy situation with your family/loved ones safe and sound, don’t judge. Do something. Share this information. Make & distribute flyers. Encourage news stations to run the story. Whether it’s this beautiful girl or another child in a similar situation, do something. I dare you.

Be the guy who puts down his Big Mac and saves a girl from 10 years of captivity.

Show some humanity. We all have resources and gratefully this is one of mine. It may not get tons of traffic but I am doing what I can. It’s better than shaking my head and saying, “That’s a shame.”

Find Indica Huddleston Facebook page

National Center for Missing Children

Andrea’s blog, she inspires even in her darkest hour

Latest article with more details

I will leave her picture in the side bar until she is found and promise to update you when she is.

UPDATE:

Indica was found and unharmed.
She is back with her family. Andrea’s sister posted this update on Facebook on behalf of the family,

“WE HAVE HER back safe and sound. We are eternally grateful for everyone’s support and help during this difficult time. Right now they just need to spend time with Indica. She will be back in communication after they have some time together as a family.There is still an investigation and there will most likely be criminal charges (not against her) but the important thing is she is home. Prayers were answered tonight! Thank you all!”

Interview with Andrea shortly after Indica was found

Please join us in prayers of gratitude!

I am still alive…

This summer has been very un-summery. We took a 3 day family trip to see some friends over Independence Day but other than that I feel like my kids (and I) are missing all the summer fun we should be having. My goal was to use my free time wisely this summer! I wanted to get many workouts in and create opportunities to do active, healthy things with my kids that might also happen to burn a few calories.

Instead, I started working part-time and I’ve been taking more care of my dad… that’s the short, simplified version. You don’t want to hear me whine.

I had a few days when I used my sparkpeople app on my phone to track calories in/calories out. Honestly, I was surprised at how many calories I had consumed when I thought I was eating healthy. It was not the motivator it should have been. Well, it was sort of. I’m trying to snack on raw veggies… or trying to want to snack on them?

I’ve discovered that the best time of day for me to workout and/or get to the gym is while my kids are still sleeping. The problem with that… I have to get myself in bed (not just in my bedroom where I could potentially start/finish/work on 10 or so projects) by 10 o’clock in order to accomplish the early waking. I want to be a morning person, really I do.

So to recap: I want to want to eat more veggies. I want to be a morning person. Life = frustratingly busy.

Alrighty. See you Friday?

Wish me luck.

 

that old familiar pain

Got two excellent workouts in this week and I am f e e l i n g  i t !

Also had a doc appointment this week and did not like what I saw on his scale.

However…

I am making the time for my workouts. Letting the rest of the world live in its chaos while I push the pedals or lift some weights is doing me good…painful good. I think the pain is a reminder that I’m back. No more excuses about having no time to workout.

The pain is also a reminder to stay away from the sweets…or it should be. I am weak! Emotional and weak lately. My kids wanted to watch Marley & Me this afternoon. I protested but gave in. I held my sweet 6 year old boy while he sobbed for the death of the on-screen dog… and I envied his tears. Tears seem useles. Or maybe I’m kidding myself and bottling in the stuff I should be letting go of. Or maybe I just really like chocolate.

Hoping for some good news in the next week and to find a better way to deal with the bad/sad/frustrating/infuriating stuff that comes along.

Wish me luck.

4 Pounds………………

That’s all just 4 pounds in 2 weeks. Doable, right?!

September 30th will be the end of the quarter. The Weigh and Win program pays out according to the weight you have lost each quarter. The higher the weight loss the higher the pay out. I am 4 pounds shy of 10% which is the next tier on the pay scale. How annoying to be so close and yet so far!

How do you lose another 4 pounds when you only make it to the gym once in a week? My declaration to make the gym a priority on Monday happened and nothing else. Not because I didn’t want to go. Just not enough hours in a day.

Part of me says to be happy , I’ve lost more than 10% since starting on my journey. That’s something! The sense of accomplishment from having a recognition for doing it is something too. They say to reward yourself when you reach milestones and honestly having that monetary reward in this economy goes a long way to buying a new pair of pants. (In a smaller size!)

Harumpph!

I don’t know what to say. I have no plan. No idea how to fit things in. I just stare at my calendar and wonder how little sleep I can function on. How do you say “No” to your kids or husband so you can workout? I feel so guilty when I do. It takes away from the little bit of time I have from hubby or more time away from home when I have worked all day. With my DH in school, it isn’t very easy to ask if he will watch the kids when he has schoolwork to do. The teens have their schoolwork and activities too. I need another of me to take care of things while I get to a healthy weight. Anyone know how to clone themselves?

On another note….According to little birdie, Miss Rae will be joining us again on Mondays. That’s right, I am calling you out Rae. I am taking that email as a binding contract! LOL!!

I can’t wait to hear how she is doing. She’s probably had an awesome weight loss that will put us all to shame.

I Feel Sick

…but it is a different sick than when I paid $4.08/gallon for gas this morning. Is it just me or are gas prices getting out of hand?! (Would it make me a bad mother to put my 6 year old on his bike with training wheels and tell him to ride the 5 miles to school? Come on! Big brother will be right there by him on the busy road with hills which crosses a freeway. No big, right?)

But I digress. Labor Day was a family party where we celebrated my cousin’s birthday, I drank way too much diet soda, and ate a few too many carbs. I woke up on Tuesday feeling nauseous. I tried to blame it on the heat and not drinking enough water, but I know better.

Saturday I went to a baby shower where they had such lovely food! I totally lost my ability to pass on the things I should have. I really want to describe the beauty and deliciousness of it, but I fear that would be counterproductive…for all of us. It was stupid, especially when the day before (my regular Friday weigh in) the scale showed almost a pound more than the week before! Gah!!! Of course, I drowned my sorrows in whatever I felt like eating yesterday.

Will I ever learn?!

I woke up in the night with a sour stomach, feeling like my belly was in knots. I think my body is revolting. I think I need to listen! Sugar = BAD! BAD! BAD!

I had time to post on Friday. I thought about it, too. After my weigh in and knowing that I only had 1 workout and 1 sugar free day I felt like I had nothing to say. This morning I am of a different school of thought, I need to record it when I make the wrong decisions and how it makes me feel. This will be my reminder of why I’ve been trying to hard to make these changes! I don’t want to feel like a slug or have to run to the bathroom every 20 minutes.

This feeling in my stomach today makes me hyper aware of my size. I hate being fat. How do I embrace that hatred and extricate the problem? One big answer (Do THIS everyday and you’ll be in better shape in no time!) would be easier, but it’s a dozen little decisions all day every day. When/how can I fit in my workout? Can I get up early enough to make time for me? Which sandwich bread should I use? Should I snack on a cookie or a handful of snap peas?

It never ends!

BUT! The more bad decisions I make the longer I have to live with this fat. I’m tired of the fat.

Each good decision is like faith. I can decide to read my scriptures, say a prayer, go to church, sing my kids a song about the Savior, or a hundred other things relating to increasing my faith or that of my kids without having to see the immediate blessings that come from those good decisions. Sometimes the blessings are obvious and rapid, but mostly I know it is for overall goodness and happiness. Every cookie I turn down, every time I head to the gym when I want to do something else, all the times I make a good, healthy decision can do the same thing for my general well being and weight loss.

In both my attempts at weight loss and in my spiritual life I know I’ve hit a point where I had to make a decision and just didn’t care which one was right. I took the easy, bad choice. I thank my Heavenly Father for repentance! But let me tell you: repentance is hard. Harder than making the right choice in the first place would have been.

This week I am going to work on my faith. I will have faith that the little things I do will each effect and contribute to helping me reach my weight loss and fitness goals.

Wish me luck.

My 6 year old wouldn’t let me workout today

No, really.

Who can say, “No” to a boy who is growing up too fast and wants you to stay home and “play the tickle game” instead of leaving him behind? Last week his position would have been different. Last week his friends hadn’t started back to school yet. His school doesn’t start for another 9 days (oh, yes, we are BOTH counting the days), but all his buddies from the workout whose mom’s are there too…they started school this week. He lost his motivation for motivating me to workout.

Who hasn’t felt like that? No one is there to play/run/lift weights/workout/swim with…why go? Friends make all the difference. If it wasn’t for two of my friends, Rae and Aims as you know them, then I would not have had the courage to start this blog or to really try to lose weight.

If it wasn’t for my friend Mandy teaching that free workout a couple of times a week then I wouldn’t be losing weight. If it wasn’t for my friends Tami & Charlotte then I wouldn’t have ever tried a spin/cycling class, let alone gone back regularly.

Do you need a friend? I posted before about being nice to the skinny chick. Now I’m telling you to go ask her how she does it and invite yourself try her method with her next time. Make a friend or increase an existing friendship. I am telling you, knowing that someone is planning on you working out with them makes all the difference. Having someone to chat (commiserate) with when you feel like your legs are going to fall off and you are sweating from every pore makes it more bearable, too.

I am a scaredy cat when it comes to trying new workouts, but I can do it if someone who has done it before is there to encourage, explain, and (*gasp*) enjoy it with. Charlotte is young enough that I could be her mother. She’s also fit and would exercise  for 6 hours every day if she could. She doesn’t let me off the hook and I love it! Working out with her makes me feel like I really can lose the weight. She’s going back to college this week and I won’t get to workout with her for a few months. I’ll miss you, Charlotte!

My advice – if working out is where you seem to need help: get a workout buddy…or 2 for that matter. Easier said than done? Maybe. Do it anyway.

For 9 more days I’ll be trying to fit workouts in that don’t interfere with tickle time. Then we’ll have a whole new set of problems.

Wish me luck!

Isn’t talk about my blood sugar level exciting?

I’ve been playing the role of Swim Mom this summer since 2 of my 3 kids were on a city swim team. This last weekend was the big, final district wide swim meet. Am I glad it’s over? Yes and no. It was a great reason to leave the house every day and a required hour of exercise for them during the summer. But I’m ready to not have to schedule my day around evening practice. And we have less than 2 weeks before my oldest starts her school year. This is our one last stretch of relaxation and family play time.

So that’s sort of why I didn’t blog on Friday, but I did WANT to blog. Since Rae is coming home today from 3 weeks in Hawaii I didn’t think she’d mind if I crashed her day.

I weighed myself on Friday, but I think it is an unofficial weigh in. I didn’t do my normal routine and I weighed in with clothes on. Still…the scale claimed I lost a pound. If it had said I gained weight I might have cried.

This week I’ve been making better choices when I eat, and I have been doing something my nutritionist called “testing in pairs”. I test my blood sugar before a meal and then again 1 – 2 hours after the meal to see the change. I can gauge which foods/meals cause my blood sugar to raise more than others and avoid those or modify them to be healthier for me. It helped some, but mostly caused me concern because my morning blood sugar has been hovering around 170 (should be between 90 and 120). This week I’m going to be testing more often. If I can eat so my blood sugars are under control then I will definitely loose weight. If I can’t get my blood sugars under control then it’s time to get back to the doctor for an adjustment of medication. I don’t want that.

Other than my kids swimming and blood sugar level…this week Aims, Rae and I will be together for a few days! We’ll be each other’s support group, I’ll harass them about blogging more, and we’ll try to get a picture of the three of us together. Wouldn’t that be novel. As a matter of fact I just looked through my pictures for the last 5 or 6 years I don’t have a single picture of the three of us together. I’ll have to change that this week.

Wish me luck!

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