I am not on fire

Usually, I post when I am feeling good and motivated and making healthy choices. Not today. I like to keep things positive but I also promised I would be honest on this blog, so if you’re not in the mood for my honesty then I’d suggest you check out some of my older posts (like this one) instead of reading on.

These last few weeks have been tough. I didn’t know how losing my dad would affect me. How could I have? Generally, I’m ok, but I have moments or tasks which bring up my sorrow and make me want to shut down.

Just today I yelled at my husband (who never, ever deserves to be yelled at because he is a saint of a man) because he was talking about packing up my dad’s house as being simple and we “just need to do it”. A fire built up inside me that unleashed anger I didn’t know I had when I shouted out, “MY DAD DIED! NONE OF THIS IS EASY! These are his things. This is all hard and I would rather not do it.”

Sweet man that he is my husband just wrapped his arms around me and whispered comfort and kindness and apologies into my ear.

Along with my avoidance of packing I have been neglecting my fitness goals and nutrition. It has been so much easier to buy food instead of preparing it. Sleeping in is more enticing than early classes at the gym. Everything that I was doing with such ease last fall is suddenly unimportant and a huge inconvenience. My change in focus is showing on the scale.

I didn’t even take a camera into the bathroom on Friday when I weighed in. Maybe I should have because I’m embarrassed to tell you that I’m back up to almost 222. I hate it. It made me cry.

But I suppose I’ve been crying a lot lately.

For now, I’m going to gym even when I don’t want to. Sometimes, it’s half an effort but I suppose that is better than no effort. I bought groceries even though I don’t feel like cooking, but I will.

I will.

This sucks.

But I will be fine. It will take some time and facing things I don’t want to do but I will be fine.

My daddy.

Wish me luck