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I wish I had wrote this…

I know it’s not my day to post, but I think we could all use this.

Replacing My Cravings

January 23, 2014

“Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my king and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.” Psalm 5:1-3 (NIV 1984)

I rolled over and looked at the clock. Another day. Beyond all reason and rationality, I slid out of bed and stripped off everything that might weigh even the slightest ounce as I headed to the scale.

I thought, “Maybe today will be the day the scale will be my friend and not reveal my secrets. Maybe somehow overnight the molecular structure of my body shifted and today I will magically weigh less.”

I yanked out my ponytail holder – hey, it’s gotta weigh something – and decided to try again. But the scale didn’t change its mind the second time. It was not my friend this day.

Vowing to do better, eat healthier, and make good choices, I headed to the kitchen only to have my resolve melt like the icing on the cinnamon rolls my daughter just pulled from the oven. Oh, who cares what the scale says when this roll speaks such love and deliciousness.

Two and a half cinnamon rolls later, I decided tomorrow would be a much better day to keep my promises to eat healthier. But tomorrow wasn’t the day. Or the next. Or the next.

I knew I needed to make changes. Because this wasn’t really about the scale or what clothing size I was; it was about this battle that raged in my heart. I thought about, craved, and arranged my life too much around food. So much so, I knew it was something God was challenging me to surrender to His control. Surrender to the point where I’d make changes for the sake of my spiritual health perhaps even more than my physical health.

I had to get honest enough to admit it: I relied on food more than I relied on God. I craved food more than I craved God. Food was my comfort. Food was my reward. Food was my joy. Food was what I turned to in times of stress, sadness, and even in times of happiness.

I knew this battle would be hard. But through it all I determined to make God, rather than food, my focus. Each time I craved something I knew wasn’t part of my healthy eating plan, I used that craving as a prompt to pray. I craved a lot. So, I found myself praying a lot.

Sometimes I wound up on the floor of my closet, praying with tears running down my face. And I gave myself permission to cry, just like the psalmist in Psalm 5:1-3, “Give ears to my word, O LORD, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my king and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.”

And that is literally what I did each day. Laid my requests before God and waited in expectation.

Then, one morning, it finally happened. I got up and for the first time in a long while, I felt incredibly empowered. I still did the same crazy routine with the scale, no clothes, no ponytail holder. The numbers hadn’t changed much, but my heart had. One day of victory tasted better than any of that food I’d given up ever could. I had waited in expectation using prayer as my guide and I did it.

I can’t promise you there won’t be any more tears. There will. And I can’t promise the scale magically drops as quickly as you wish it would. It probably won’t. But it will be a start. A really good start.

Dear Lord, You know me so intimately. You know how much I’m struggling right now. Please help me to replace my cravings with a reliance on You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

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I have been avoiding this blog.

I will say that I have been too busy. That I meant to blog but before I knew it, it was Monday and then Tuesday or Wednesday. Plus it wouldn’t be nice to take someone else’s day to blog. How rude! I meant to post, I really did, but it was so late…..yadda yadda yadda!

Truth is I was too ashamed. I hate my body! I hate my weight! I hate how I look! I hate the scale. I hate my clothes. I hate the mirror!  I hate how I feel! I. HATE. THIS!

I have lost all momentum. I have gained back all weight. I’m on more meds. I am back to the beginning. I keep deciding to start again only to find a reason I didn’t. I’m too tired to get up early and work out. I’m too busy during the day. I’ve never liked working out at the end of the day. I’ll eat better tomorrow. I get frustrated when I do workout because I am a slug. I think about what I use to be able to do and get depressed and then guess what? I don’t workout because it’s too depressing.

My big plan of looking amazing for my high school reunion next year is getting to be a distant memory. My idea of being below 200 by the summer is long gone. My desire to be off my meds and CPAP is replaced with more medication. I have avoided this blog because my motivation has not been there. What is there to write? Who wants to hear me say week after week that I did nothing? That my weight is up? That it is easier to sit here and eat ice cream than get up before 5am and sweat it out. It’s easier being fat and lazy. Food taste good. Why deprive myself of the goodness that is bread? Why get all stinky and sweaty and sore. Why get out of this comfy chair to get sore muscles and not be able to move? This is easier.

So why do this? Why write today? Why try again? Because, while this is easier, I hate it! I don’t want to live in sweats. I don’t want to reach for my fat pants. I want to be able to shop for clothes in normal sizes. I don’t want to be embarrassed by how I look. I want to turn my husband’s head. I want to live a long life.

We are going to try this again! I am! I am! I am!

I am still alive…

This summer has been very un-summery. We took a 3 day family trip to see some friends over Independence Day but other than that I feel like my kids (and I) are missing all the summer fun we should be having. My goal was to use my free time wisely this summer! I wanted to get many workouts in and create opportunities to do active, healthy things with my kids that might also happen to burn a few calories.

Instead, I started working part-time and I’ve been taking more care of my dad… that’s the short, simplified version. You don’t want to hear me whine.

I had a few days when I used my sparkpeople app on my phone to track calories in/calories out. Honestly, I was surprised at how many calories I had consumed when I thought I was eating healthy. It was not the motivator it should have been. Well, it was sort of. I’m trying to snack on raw veggies… or trying to want to snack on them?

I’ve discovered that the best time of day for me to workout and/or get to the gym is while my kids are still sleeping. The problem with that… I have to get myself in bed (not just in my bedroom where I could potentially start/finish/work on 10 or so projects) by 10 o’clock in order to accomplish the early waking. I want to be a morning person, really I do.

So to recap: I want to want to eat more veggies. I want to be a morning person. Life = frustratingly busy.

Alrighty. See you Friday?

Wish me luck.

 

No Excuses

I haven’t felt like blogging. There’s nothing to blog about. At least not on this blog anyway. My weight sucks. My life is chaotic. It’s easier to just get fat.

This, my friends is the ugly side of weight loss.

It’s because of these setbacks that I feel like my goal is unattainable and why bother? I am just going to fail any wind up where I was anyways!

I’m just not getting it done.

I have no excuses!

Oscar the Grouch

I’m a little late, I know. I debated about not posting at all. I hate the idea of all my posts just being a depressing rant that doesn’t do anyone any good except maybe me. Who wants to read sad posts week after week anyway? Yet that is where I am. I am frustrated, angry, bitter, and sad.

I want so much to be happy when I read my fellow surviving blogger’s posts about losing weight each week. It’s awesome what she is doing. How great it is that she is getting it done and seeing results. I shouldn’t have any resentment, right? Especially when I didn’t spend 50 minutes on a treadmill. I do though. I am an awful, terrible person.

Or am I just human?

I am happy for you Autumn. I am! Maybe it is seeing your success brings my failure blindingly to the front? Maybe the fact that a woman with a newborn is killing it and I do not have that excuse!

What’s my excuse?! Why is the scale up this week?! Why am I sinking even deeper?!

Sigh! I find myself reaching for my “fat” pants, something I haven’t done in a long time. Every time I do, I am reminded of my husband’s words, “Now that you are in smaller pants, you should get rid of all your bigger clothes so you aren’t tempted to fall back.” I did get rid of most of my pants. Mainly because I hate clothes shopping so much that I will wear a pair of pants until they are holey and indecent. These one pair have the widest legs, waist and aren’t so thread bare yet that I can’t/shouldn’t wear them. I kept them “just in case.” They are still big on me, but for how much longer?

I went in this week for a year checkup on my sleep disorders. None of my treatments or meds seem to be working any more. The doctor was pleased when he saw my weight. “You’ve lost!” “No, actually I’ve gained!” I’m down from where he last saw me, so he’s pleased, but I know how much better it could have been. I still left not only with another year worth of prescriptions, but a new one as well. It feels like a defeat to be put on more pills. Pills for nighttime. Pills for daytime. This is stupid!

Honesty, right? We are suppose to be honest. Well this is the yucky side of the yo-yo. I don’t think I am the only one that goes through this. But, Maybe I am.

I spent 20 minutes on the eliptical this morning. That’s all I had time for and I really didn’t want to be doing that at 6am, but I did. And something is better than nothing. Hopefully I can get something done every day!

I love ya Autumn! I am proud of you! You go and don’t look back!!!

 

Peer Pressure

I know I’ve been a bad blogger lately but that’s only because I have been bad in general.

I haven’t stepped on the scale in a month. I can see my body expanding, too, and I’m not liking how some of my clothes fit lately.

What derailed the Super Motivated ABC?  Without too much detail I will just say I am a woman over 40 whose feminine  features have started a rebellion. Of course, the doctors always seem to point out that being overweight makes the problem even worse.

Thanks.

I retreated into my shell. Being physically miserable should have been a motivator to try to lose weight, to give myself some relief, but no. I, of course, took the other path. The I’m-already-uncomfortable-and-unhappy-What’s-the-difference path.

Alas, relief to the rebellion is in sight and I’ve started feeling better in the last few weeks. I’ve thought about working out again. I even bought good stuff for green smoothies. I made it to Mandy’s Friday workout last week but only barely and I totally didn’t mean it. I came home and ate a croissant.

Then last night my friend’s ganged up on me.

“Come on! Spin class at 5:45! It will be fun!”

5:45? am?! Are they nuts?

Well, yes they are, but in a good way. So I gave in to peer pressure, set my alarm for 5:20 am (named it “I hate Tami”), and was out the door before my husband even sat up in bed.

It’s 9:20 am now. I’ve worked out, fed my kids breakfast, packed their lunches, put dinner in the crock pot, made & drank an uber healthy green smoothie (filtered water, spinach, kale, greek yogurt, whey protein powder, frozen pineapples & strawberries with a 1/2 of a dash of Stevia), studied for my class today and written a blog post.

Dagnab early morning. It’s so much easier to stay up late, but maybe I am better off getting up early. I hate early. I will be back on my regularly scheduled Friday with a weigh in.

I’m terrified of weighing in. The numbers on that scale are not going to be pretty.

Wish me luck.

Don’t let it creep up on you again

The title of this entry is a note to myself. When I started this blog I was devoted. I was not eating sugar/candy/cake/treats. Soda? Rarely. Healthy snacks and gum were my weapons against cravings for all those things I was skipping out on. I was working out at least 3 times per week and I was dropping the lbs in a nice steady manner. Since that first 4 months I gained back 10 of the 15 pounds I lost. How did that happen?!

Here a little and there a little.

“They make the best root beer here. I have earned a night of drinking soda!”

“I have to sample these treats before we deliver them. It’s a new recipe!”

“This is the only chance I have to taste this particular delicious looking dessert.”

“Gah. My kids need me. I don’t have time to go to the gym.”

“Tomorrow will be a better day for getting my workout in.”

You get the idea. Slowly, all those good habits I was building justified themselves right out of existence. The only thing I have been consistent about for the past year is working out, but even then it was only twice a week at the most.

Overcoming my own short comings is the biggest challenge in losing the weight.

I had been avoiding a real weigh in, but on Feb 1st I weighed in, not out of habit, but because I knew I needed a reality check.

2013-02-01 weigh in

More than 2 months since I stepped on the scale and my weight was still in the range of Yuck. I had to be realistic. At best what I was doing was not helping me lose the pounds. My knee had started being sore. My cute jeans were more tight than comfortable. I was tired way more often. I started to blame my clothes for the way they looked on me. Between the scale reading and the way I was feeling, I knew I had to stop making excuses.

So for the next 2 weeks I indulged in nearly everything. The week of Valentine’s Day I did not work out once. I ate everything I felt like eating. I wasn’t trying to lose weight. I just was. Last Friday I had my last lazy day. I went to the store with my husband to get, among other things, ice cream. He asked, “Are you sure you want to get a pint to yourself?” (He is a sweet, subtle man who knows how to talk to me without becoming the target for my anger)

“It’s my last one. After tonight I am not going to indulge myself any more.” Was I justifying? Did I mean it? Honestly, I was not sure. Saturday I woke up resolved. I stepped on the scale again.

2013-02-16 weigh in

That doesn’t even make sense. Does it? I ate like a pig, didn’t work out and lost 2 lbs. But maybe that was fuel for my fire. Imagine what the scale might have read if I had tried that week?! I was ready to go. Then a dessert that I enjoy appeared. I had to decide right then and there if I was going to stick with my plan to avoid treats. Could I?! I managed to walk away but didn’t stop thinking about it.

My weakness is late at night after the kids go to bed, so I concentrated on that battle. If I needed a snack that time of night it was going to be roasted almonds or string cheese or something with protein. It doesn’t make late night snacking as fun, but it was effective. After I eat them I always regret eating desserts late at night. The next temptation in my path was a little easier. Each day I have a little more strength and a little more motivation to eat right.

Monday was President’s Day and I took advantage of not getting any kids ready for anything and went to the gym! I don’t know why but Mondays and Tuesdays are the hardest days for me to figure out how to get a workout in. I’ve managed three workouts this week and I hope to find some active thing to do with my family tomorrow afternoon. If I can plan ahead for then when & where of my workouts next week I know I will be succesful again.

Things are looking up! And my weight…

2013-02-22 weigh in

my weight is down another pound. Thank heavens. I don’t know if all this newfound (re-found) determination could have handled anything less.

I know I’m going to have days when being good is more difficult than others, but I don’t want to let one bad day give me permission to go downhill again. This blog post is titled so that I can find it easily when I’m having one of those difficult-to-stick-to-my-goals days. Losing weight really does feel like a battle…or a war. I need to win it.

Wish me luck.

Not there yet!

 

Photo: For some people it's about getting 1st place at a Spartan Race, for others it's about finishing the race.</p><br /><p>Challenge Yourself.  Challenge Your Friends.

 

217.2 Official weigh in this week.

I only got in 2 workouts this week. I’m starting to get frustrated with my consistency, but I saw this picture and realized how true it is. No matter how little I do it is still more than doing nothing. It also means if I want to get there sooner, to my goal of being healthy and thin, then I need to do more! Double edged sword. hurumph!

Because I have too much free time, HA!, I have taken on another job at my church. It is going to take a lot of time at first as there is much “housecleaning” to do. This will make for some creative scheduling to get the gym in. This may not be so bad as I have been nursing a foot injury. An injury that in my hubby’s medical training would sideline me should I go to the doctor. There is much pain when I move it  certain ways so I try to not move it that way. LOL! I am very afraid that should I be told to take it easy, and running would be out, then I will take it a step farther and do nothing. An excuse is all I need. I know from past behavior.

I wish motivation was easier to come by.

Maybe if I have a plan and can do something where I truly feel like I am “working” I could ease up without just flat-out stopping.

Anyone have some ideas? Swimming laps are out as there isn’t any lap pool around. Maybe spinning?

Have to think about that.

How are you all doing?

Hey?!?……

Let me admit that when I read AB’s post I got a little defensive. “What am I? Chopped Liver?” Maybe, my thighs jiggle like they are, but still. I have done my best to post faithful for the whole 2 of you that read my posts. (Sarcastic, but I am a numbers gal and have seen the statistics. Not winning any records for followers.) There are certainly times when I think, this week for example, “Why bother? No one is reading my stuff.” I have begged asked for some updates in the past. Just something to know I am not alone is very motivational.

I read the latest post on my phone while trying to make sure my teenage driver doesn’t kills us all in a horrific car accident and playing hide-and-seek with my 2-year-old in the back seat who is convinced that  her hands covering her face is the best camouflage and listening to the latest dino facts my 4-year-old has learned while feigning interest. It is too hard for this less than tech savvy gal to reply on my phone, so I stewed over my feeling slighted while at the gym. If it is one thing treadmills are good for, it’s for thinking.

I haven’t been the best at commenting back. Rather than doing this journey together it has been more like we are on parallel lines. Friendship should be more intersecting. I went through all my excuses. I think of comments I want to make when reading from my phone and tell myself that I will post them as soon as I get to my computer. Then the distractions set in and soon the time has gone by and I worry if it is too late to say something. So I don’t. I have never really had close friends and have never done the proper rituals. Then it is very funny that I am on here. I have never met you AB. I only know you through your sweet hubby and the friendship we have has never been “official.” I think I give myself a pass because of it. “She doesn’t expect me to respond, we’re not “real” friends.”

It’s all excuses!! You and the other ladies have been my inspiration to not give up. There is no excuse for not being a cheerleader to those who have kept me going. So what if we have never been in the same room? Thanks to social media, I certainly know a whole heck of a lot about you. Possibly more than the ladies that are in my physical life. I get no pass!

I am sorry! What a hypocrite I have been, begging asking for our long-lost comrades yet not nurturing the one that is still here. Struggling right along with me. I only have awesomeness because of your encouragement. My awesomeness has certainly waned this week, by the way. Too many carbs, vanilla ice cream, and a +1lb on the scale. For lunch, I ate 4-FOUR pieces of pizza. Big ole FAIL for this holiday weekend already!

I have another post planned for tomorrow. The long-awaited play by-play of the race. Again for all 2 of you. (Little more sarcasm) I just needed you to know, Miss AB, that you are so not alone!! I do not understand why all mirrors and window reflections outside of my head insist on showing me what is not the way I am so sure that I look like. Did they not get the memo? I have lost weight, I should look awesome. Nothing like leaving the house thinking that you are looking cute, maybe even a little, dare I say, sexy, perhaps a little skinny and then seeing yourself in the glass sliding doors of the store and wondering who that slug is!

I know as mothers we have sarcasm in our daily lives and that your post certainly had some. I also know that often there is hurt underlying it or disappointment. You are special! You are fantabulous! You will reach your goals! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Believe in yourself.
Believe in your ability.
You are a powerful person.
You can and will achieve your goals… when you believe… I believe in you!

My Very Best

Last weekend my husband rented three movies. I think he was trying to make up for all the weekends during the school year when I said I had homework and I couldn’t watch movies. He’s awesome like that. Facing the Giants was my favorite of the weekend. It’s from the genre of Christian films like Fireproof (which I still haven’t seen). This scene in particular moved me…

This is one of the things that motivated me to try and write every day this week (It just turned midnight, so I’m cheating on my Wednesday post by just a few minutes). I have not been giving my weight loss goals my very best. Have not. It’s not even my very best since starting this blog. Last fall I practically stopped drinking soda and had major willpower over treats and desserts. Lately, I have given in to both more often than not. I am recommitting myself to avoid soda – even the caffeine free Diet Dr Pepper and I am going to work hard and make conscious choices about desserts both at home and out (baby showers, get togethers, whatever!).

I’ve also been pushing myself in my workouts. I sweat more – which in my mind is the fat melting away and coming out my pores. (Is that too graphic/gross/TMI?) And I’m trying to fit more than 2 or 3 in each week. This week I’ve already done 3 and it’s Wednesday! Well, Wednesday-ish. I’m heading to bed now…again….since last time I was there I realized I hadn’t posted yet today.

Thanks for keeping me accountable, playing the role of coach, and caring enough to read my blog. Tomorrow’s workout is going to be at the pool and I have no menu plans yet.

Wish me luck!

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