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I wish I had wrote this…

I know it’s not my day to post, but I think we could all use this.

Replacing My Cravings

January 23, 2014

“Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my king and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.” Psalm 5:1-3 (NIV 1984)

I rolled over and looked at the clock. Another day. Beyond all reason and rationality, I slid out of bed and stripped off everything that might weigh even the slightest ounce as I headed to the scale.

I thought, “Maybe today will be the day the scale will be my friend and not reveal my secrets. Maybe somehow overnight the molecular structure of my body shifted and today I will magically weigh less.”

I yanked out my ponytail holder – hey, it’s gotta weigh something – and decided to try again. But the scale didn’t change its mind the second time. It was not my friend this day.

Vowing to do better, eat healthier, and make good choices, I headed to the kitchen only to have my resolve melt like the icing on the cinnamon rolls my daughter just pulled from the oven. Oh, who cares what the scale says when this roll speaks such love and deliciousness.

Two and a half cinnamon rolls later, I decided tomorrow would be a much better day to keep my promises to eat healthier. But tomorrow wasn’t the day. Or the next. Or the next.

I knew I needed to make changes. Because this wasn’t really about the scale or what clothing size I was; it was about this battle that raged in my heart. I thought about, craved, and arranged my life too much around food. So much so, I knew it was something God was challenging me to surrender to His control. Surrender to the point where I’d make changes for the sake of my spiritual health perhaps even more than my physical health.

I had to get honest enough to admit it: I relied on food more than I relied on God. I craved food more than I craved God. Food was my comfort. Food was my reward. Food was my joy. Food was what I turned to in times of stress, sadness, and even in times of happiness.

I knew this battle would be hard. But through it all I determined to make God, rather than food, my focus. Each time I craved something I knew wasn’t part of my healthy eating plan, I used that craving as a prompt to pray. I craved a lot. So, I found myself praying a lot.

Sometimes I wound up on the floor of my closet, praying with tears running down my face. And I gave myself permission to cry, just like the psalmist in Psalm 5:1-3, “Give ears to my word, O LORD, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my king and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.”

And that is literally what I did each day. Laid my requests before God and waited in expectation.

Then, one morning, it finally happened. I got up and for the first time in a long while, I felt incredibly empowered. I still did the same crazy routine with the scale, no clothes, no ponytail holder. The numbers hadn’t changed much, but my heart had. One day of victory tasted better than any of that food I’d given up ever could. I had waited in expectation using prayer as my guide and I did it.

I can’t promise you there won’t be any more tears. There will. And I can’t promise the scale magically drops as quickly as you wish it would. It probably won’t. But it will be a start. A really good start.

Dear Lord, You know me so intimately. You know how much I’m struggling right now. Please help me to replace my cravings with a reliance on You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Embracing the Ugly

 

 

You know those inspiring fitness memes? They say things like, “It’s better to be sore than sorry” or quote someone famous (like Buddha or Marilyn Monroe). There is usually a black and white picture of a super fit chick with sweat dripping off her muscles to accompany the uplifting words.

I don’t look like those when I work out.

In a yoga class recently I took a good look at myself in the mirror. It was difficult to accept what I saw. I think I’ve seen myself with some sort of mental filter in my mirrors at home. The mirror at the gym has no filters, real or imagined. It is unforgiving. I did not like what I saw, but I did not let the figure in the mirror get me down:

  • I was at the gym doing yoga!
  • I even went without a friend, on my own!
  • I have grossly cut back on the amount of crap junk food and snacks I was eating!
  • I have been intentionally adding more fruits & vegetables to my diet!

These changes to my behavior and working on improving my good habits have resulted in this

2013-12-20 weigh in

This is SEVEN POUNDS down from September. I’m trying to make a big deal out of it because I’m not really feeling accomplished. I’m still measuring myself against where I was before I started slipping back into nasty old habits (in case you’re wondering, I have four whole pounds more to lose to get to my lowest since starting this blog). It feels like I wasted so much time by gaining that weight back. I don’t want to waste time again.

Which is why I’m sticking to my anti-treat goals and set some specific exercise goals (2 spin classes, 1 yoga class and at least one additional workout each week).

Not wanting to waste my time losing the same lbs again is good motivation to work hard. Really wanting to get below my lowest weight (since starting scale matters) is an even bigger motivator. The desire to be too small for my smallest pair of jeans, to fit back into a favorite skirt from years gone by, to comfortably spend an afternoon on my feet, to  hike/swim/bike at pace with my family, those desires are all reasons I can look into those harsh gym mirrors and see this…

2013-12 spin selfiewithout crying and running from the gym. (This was an emotionally difficult selfie to share. I hope you appreciate my courage!)

Sometimes I wonder what goes through the instructor’s head or the other people’s heads when they see me in a spin class. Those classes are intense. I get pretty beet red and watching all that fat jiggle when I’m giving it my all…it doesn’t look anything like those sexy, inspiring memes. When I start to worry that people are mocking me in my head, I remind myself that I’m not at the gym to be their eye candy (ha!) or flirt (happily married for 18 years) nor does it matter what anyone else interprets from my working out.

I am there for me.

Going to spin class means afterward I don’t seem to crave sweets as much. When yoga class is over my stress has decreased and I can relax more easily. Every day that I workout makes me less anxious stepping on the scale for my weekly weigh in. Every week that I lose weight makes it easier to accept my results, reinforces those healthy habits, and brings me a little closer to seeing the me I expect when I look in the mirror… even the mean & nasty gym mirror.

5 days until Christmas and I’m planning to stick to my goals even during these holidays. (If Santa brings me a pair of spin shoes that clip into the pedals, it would be even more fun to stick to my goals!)

 

Wish me luck!

…and may your holidays be merry!

 

 

 

Oscar the Grouch

I’m a little late, I know. I debated about not posting at all. I hate the idea of all my posts just being a depressing rant that doesn’t do anyone any good except maybe me. Who wants to read sad posts week after week anyway? Yet that is where I am. I am frustrated, angry, bitter, and sad.

I want so much to be happy when I read my fellow surviving blogger’s posts about losing weight each week. It’s awesome what she is doing. How great it is that she is getting it done and seeing results. I shouldn’t have any resentment, right? Especially when I didn’t spend 50 minutes on a treadmill. I do though. I am an awful, terrible person.

Or am I just human?

I am happy for you Autumn. I am! Maybe it is seeing your success brings my failure blindingly to the front? Maybe the fact that a woman with a newborn is killing it and I do not have that excuse!

What’s my excuse?! Why is the scale up this week?! Why am I sinking even deeper?!

Sigh! I find myself reaching for my “fat” pants, something I haven’t done in a long time. Every time I do, I am reminded of my husband’s words, “Now that you are in smaller pants, you should get rid of all your bigger clothes so you aren’t tempted to fall back.” I did get rid of most of my pants. Mainly because I hate clothes shopping so much that I will wear a pair of pants until they are holey and indecent. These one pair have the widest legs, waist and aren’t so thread bare yet that I can’t/shouldn’t wear them. I kept them “just in case.” They are still big on me, but for how much longer?

I went in this week for a year checkup on my sleep disorders. None of my treatments or meds seem to be working any more. The doctor was pleased when he saw my weight. “You’ve lost!” “No, actually I’ve gained!” I’m down from where he last saw me, so he’s pleased, but I know how much better it could have been. I still left not only with another year worth of prescriptions, but a new one as well. It feels like a defeat to be put on more pills. Pills for nighttime. Pills for daytime. This is stupid!

Honesty, right? We are suppose to be honest. Well this is the yucky side of the yo-yo. I don’t think I am the only one that goes through this. But, Maybe I am.

I spent 20 minutes on the eliptical this morning. That’s all I had time for and I really didn’t want to be doing that at 6am, but I did. And something is better than nothing. Hopefully I can get something done every day!

I love ya Autumn! I am proud of you! You go and don’t look back!!!

 

Convicted? Maybe. Denial? Perhaps. Avoiding? Absolutely!

I have started a post soooooo many times in my head on so many a Sunday and yet, nothing! I have written nothing for a while. Been accountable for nothing for far too long! I know it too. This isn’t a surprise. “Oh my! I had no idea it had been so long since I posted. Wow! How time really flies!”

WHATEVER!!

Out of sight, out of mind is more like it. Don’t have to want to  deal with it. Honestly, the fact that no one else is posting has made it easier to ignore. I guess if everyone else jumped off a bridge I would too, eventually. Not blaming any one else for my own choices, it’s just amazing how I can use others as a reason to justify it. Not right at all! Then out of the blue…a post. A post to remind me why we all are doing this. A post from a poor sleep deprived, new momma willing to talk about her weight. And after having a baby! All us mom’s know that’s when you feel the worst about your body!

We started all this to encourage, help, commiserate, cheer, cry, gripe, and push each other until we get to where we want to be with our health. It’s time I started climbing out instead of wallowing in the muddy valley of despair and pity!

I saw this recently from another blog and for a couple days it got me moving and then I stopped looking at it so I wouldn’t feel guilty. How did I allow myself to fall so far again! UGH! I’m in this circular pattern of disgusted with myself  must do something about it, good for a day, oh why bother, disgusted again. Must stop the cycle. Hopefully, this is the first step. Having to answer for what I did or didn’t do this week will maybe get that motivation going again.

Here we go……………again.

I don’t know where my weight is exactly except that it has inched up a few pounds. I think I will just start with trying to get moving again, regularly, rather than focus on the scale just yet. So that’s my plan.

Get Moving!!

Until next Sunday……………………………….

Don’t let it creep up on you again

The title of this entry is a note to myself. When I started this blog I was devoted. I was not eating sugar/candy/cake/treats. Soda? Rarely. Healthy snacks and gum were my weapons against cravings for all those things I was skipping out on. I was working out at least 3 times per week and I was dropping the lbs in a nice steady manner. Since that first 4 months I gained back 10 of the 15 pounds I lost. How did that happen?!

Here a little and there a little.

“They make the best root beer here. I have earned a night of drinking soda!”

“I have to sample these treats before we deliver them. It’s a new recipe!”

“This is the only chance I have to taste this particular delicious looking dessert.”

“Gah. My kids need me. I don’t have time to go to the gym.”

“Tomorrow will be a better day for getting my workout in.”

You get the idea. Slowly, all those good habits I was building justified themselves right out of existence. The only thing I have been consistent about for the past year is working out, but even then it was only twice a week at the most.

Overcoming my own short comings is the biggest challenge in losing the weight.

I had been avoiding a real weigh in, but on Feb 1st I weighed in, not out of habit, but because I knew I needed a reality check.

2013-02-01 weigh in

More than 2 months since I stepped on the scale and my weight was still in the range of Yuck. I had to be realistic. At best what I was doing was not helping me lose the pounds. My knee had started being sore. My cute jeans were more tight than comfortable. I was tired way more often. I started to blame my clothes for the way they looked on me. Between the scale reading and the way I was feeling, I knew I had to stop making excuses.

So for the next 2 weeks I indulged in nearly everything. The week of Valentine’s Day I did not work out once. I ate everything I felt like eating. I wasn’t trying to lose weight. I just was. Last Friday I had my last lazy day. I went to the store with my husband to get, among other things, ice cream. He asked, “Are you sure you want to get a pint to yourself?” (He is a sweet, subtle man who knows how to talk to me without becoming the target for my anger)

“It’s my last one. After tonight I am not going to indulge myself any more.” Was I justifying? Did I mean it? Honestly, I was not sure. Saturday I woke up resolved. I stepped on the scale again.

2013-02-16 weigh in

That doesn’t even make sense. Does it? I ate like a pig, didn’t work out and lost 2 lbs. But maybe that was fuel for my fire. Imagine what the scale might have read if I had tried that week?! I was ready to go. Then a dessert that I enjoy appeared. I had to decide right then and there if I was going to stick with my plan to avoid treats. Could I?! I managed to walk away but didn’t stop thinking about it.

My weakness is late at night after the kids go to bed, so I concentrated on that battle. If I needed a snack that time of night it was going to be roasted almonds or string cheese or something with protein. It doesn’t make late night snacking as fun, but it was effective. After I eat them I always regret eating desserts late at night. The next temptation in my path was a little easier. Each day I have a little more strength and a little more motivation to eat right.

Monday was President’s Day and I took advantage of not getting any kids ready for anything and went to the gym! I don’t know why but Mondays and Tuesdays are the hardest days for me to figure out how to get a workout in. I’ve managed three workouts this week and I hope to find some active thing to do with my family tomorrow afternoon. If I can plan ahead for then when & where of my workouts next week I know I will be succesful again.

Things are looking up! And my weight…

2013-02-22 weigh in

my weight is down another pound. Thank heavens. I don’t know if all this newfound (re-found) determination could have handled anything less.

I know I’m going to have days when being good is more difficult than others, but I don’t want to let one bad day give me permission to go downhill again. This blog post is titled so that I can find it easily when I’m having one of those difficult-to-stick-to-my-goals days. Losing weight really does feel like a battle…or a war. I need to win it.

Wish me luck.

Thanksgiving (and desert) Bloat

It’s always the same…you see tons of disappointing reports on weight after Thanksgiving.  It’s part of the tradition, maybe?  I want to encourage those of you who didn’t like the aftermath of Thanksgiving to dig in again…just not into a plate of leftovers.  I am, unfortunately, right there with ‘everyone’.  I not only had a fantastic table of delicious food to gobble up on Thanksgiving but we took leftovers to the desert and I enjoyed several more delicious platefuls.  My scale is telling on me.  I am up to 165.2.   I like facing reality and then dealing with it head on, so I’m reworking my routine back to normal.  Getting to the gym last week didn’t happen with the very few days I had to prepare my house for a Thanksgiving gathering right after the cruise AND my son’s swim practice was cancelled while they work on the pool…double whammy of excuses.  This week I have none, so it’s back to the grind, back to putting in the time and work and watching what I put into my mouth.  Even little bites or special drinks make a difference.

It’s time to get rid of all that good food anyway.  Remember, when in doubt, throw it out!    Turkey Tip Tuesday found online…

I am one that needs a goal to work for.  I find it really helps me.  I think twice, or however many times it takes for me to get past a bad choice.  My hubby’s work is having a party in Feb.  Sounds like a fancy dress up type thing.  I never get to get all dolled up so I looked forward to the yearly Christmas parties they had  until the economy caused them to call them quits several years ago. Well, they are back…at least this year…in Feb.  I have a couple of months to slash the number on my scale.  Motivation!  I definitely need that during this time of year.

I HATE THE SCALE

WARNING: This post contains the rantings of a woman spurned by a scale.

I exercised hard core this week. I not only met my goal of getting three workouts in and eating lunch every day instead of snacking but I did FOUR workouts. Not only did I participate in those four workouts but I pushed myself in every single one. I swam laps for an entire hour. I could barely catch my breath between songs during spin class. Mandy had us doing so many pushups that I lost count. And other than the two Krispy Kreme donuts -which were part of my motivation to push myself harder in my exercising – I ate really well. Not only that but I think I got plenty of sleep and I know I’ve been downing water like it’s going out of style.

So why? WHY? WHY? did the scale (stupid, dagnab scale) say this to me today:

This is 1 whole pound up from last week! Not only that but I just checked pictures in my archives and this exact weight has been rather popular lately. 3 of my last 5 weigh in results were exactly 228.6!

I was looking forward to getting on the scale today. I wanted to love the results of my hard work this week. I was hoping to shout out that I’d reached a new low weight since starting this blog.

I hate the scale.

And so help me if even one of you suggests that it’s muscle weight gain from all the work I’ve been doing you will be banished from the land of scalematters forever! (I may have been watching too many season 1 episodes of Once Upon a Time lately). All that muscle I’m gaining is supposed to be burning the fat away.

Clearly my body likes this particular weight.

I. Do. Not.

I can’t even say that I’m going to take drastic measures because I’m not sure which area of nutrition and exercise I need to fine tune. It feels so elusive. One thing I do (or don’t do) can make a huge difference on the scale, but what is the mysterious one thing…this week?

I’m going to pray about it.

Wish me luck.

 

 

Isn’t talk about my blood sugar level exciting?

I’ve been playing the role of Swim Mom this summer since 2 of my 3 kids were on a city swim team. This last weekend was the big, final district wide swim meet. Am I glad it’s over? Yes and no. It was a great reason to leave the house every day and a required hour of exercise for them during the summer. But I’m ready to not have to schedule my day around evening practice. And we have less than 2 weeks before my oldest starts her school year. This is our one last stretch of relaxation and family play time.

So that’s sort of why I didn’t blog on Friday, but I did WANT to blog. Since Rae is coming home today from 3 weeks in Hawaii I didn’t think she’d mind if I crashed her day.

I weighed myself on Friday, but I think it is an unofficial weigh in. I didn’t do my normal routine and I weighed in with clothes on. Still…the scale claimed I lost a pound. If it had said I gained weight I might have cried.

This week I’ve been making better choices when I eat, and I have been doing something my nutritionist called “testing in pairs”. I test my blood sugar before a meal and then again 1 – 2 hours after the meal to see the change. I can gauge which foods/meals cause my blood sugar to raise more than others and avoid those or modify them to be healthier for me. It helped some, but mostly caused me concern because my morning blood sugar has been hovering around 170 (should be between 90 and 120). This week I’m going to be testing more often. If I can eat so my blood sugars are under control then I will definitely loose weight. If I can’t get my blood sugars under control then it’s time to get back to the doctor for an adjustment of medication. I don’t want that.

Other than my kids swimming and blood sugar level…this week Aims, Rae and I will be together for a few days! We’ll be each other’s support group, I’ll harass them about blogging more, and we’ll try to get a picture of the three of us together. Wouldn’t that be novel. As a matter of fact I just looked through my pictures for the last 5 or 6 years I don’t have a single picture of the three of us together. I’ll have to change that this week.

Wish me luck!

M.I.A

I am as shocked as you are to see myself typing. I seriously cannot put my head around the fact that days are flying by me and I have no idea where they are going. “Busy” is a term used for the occasional full-schedule that throws you off your game. “Insane” is the term I like to use to describe my life lately. I finally called a “pause” this week and hit the brakes on my running around like a crazy woman..to an extent, because let’s face it..do Mom’s ever truly slow down??

 To be completely honest, my goals have been “less than achieved” these days. I haven’t been working out, my eating has been on again off again, and the scale HATES ME. In a nutshell I feel like I have gone completely MIA on everything I am trying to work on, and I am ready for an “easy” button. Since I live in reality and not the staples store, I really need to put my big girl panties on and step up!! Which is what my intentions are, now..today..as we speak.

  Do you dread meals? I do. I dread having to think in-depth about every little carb, calorie and protein I am ingesting. So, I haven’t been, well for the most part. Lately I have taken the ..”.I am too tired t fix a complex meal, I’ll just do this” route entirely too often. “This” consists of old stand by’s that are easy to fix, sometimes easy to eat (I do have lapband after all), and entirely the wrong direction to make my scale become my friend again. Time to climb up out of the dust of this wagon that I fell from. Ready..let’s go!

 This morning I am having a protein shake for breakfast..not late morning like I usually do because I am not hungry yet. I am going to attempt to stay one step ahead of the hunger. I may go the same direction for lunch, or go crazy and have the tuna I have seen staring me down in my cupboard as I (insert head drop of shame here) made COOKIES yesterday!!  I know..I know..what is this world coming to!!

Exercise. Hmmm..now that one is a bit trickier. Bob has been on his own for a while, no speaking, no face time. If I am going to stay in again today and keep with my “seclusion and no running around” promise, then I think we may get re-aquainted. I have also realized. I can do a push up. I can. No seriously. They aren’t pretty, and the Army PT people would eat me alive..but they are push ups none the less. And, my goal for the day is 20 of those little puppies before my protein shake, along with these nasty little things called sit ups (40 is my goal there). starting slow, and easing my way back. That’s my story and I am sticking to it!!!

The Big 0

Zero…Zip…Nada…Nothing…
That’s how much I lost this week according to my scale. Sometimes I really hate my scale. Of course, it’s really my way of directing my feelings toward an inanimate object instead of myself. I know it’s really been the slips (no candy bars) I’ve had this week. I have allowed myself too many this’s and that’s. I am stuck at 172. I’m not happy at 172 so I need to regroup, reassess, and re – get my butt in gear! How’s that for honesty!

I’m down a total of 9 lbs since I’ve started keeping track again. Time is tough to find, but the goal is important to me so I need to dedicate more time to it. I have some semi-worthy excuses…like having a cold (hard to exercise when you can’t breathe) and a UTI (too much info?) I’m feeling much better now, so it’s time to get my movin’ groovin’.

I did register for the Turkey Trot 5K and it would be smart of me to have a little conditioning before the day arrives. Team name Cold Turkey in case you wanted to join me huffing and puffing the whole way.
So–what do I plan to do?

  • Get on the treadmill in the morning before I get dressed
  • Start my day with a shake I’ve slacked on this and know it makes a big difference
  • Buy veggies and fruit I enjoy for the house tomorrow
  • Stop eating by 9pm – late night snacking is dangerous
  • Plan a menu and stick to it when camping this weekend.

That’s my plan and I’m sticking to it.

Before I sign off for the night I want to introduce a new weekly contributor to our little blog. We will hear from her tomorrow (Tuesdays). She and I have known each other a few years but have gotten closer more recently and I am so thankful for that. I love her to pieces and hope you will too. She is a straight shooter with a warped sense of humor that I adore. She mentioned that blogging might help her in her battle to lose weight…I said, “Join the team!!!” I find it’s been helping me. I hope it’s helping you too. I hope it will help her as well…Welcome Jenn!

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