Monthly Archives: January 2012

Like It, Not Yet Loving It

For so many years, I have sat and watched my children do activities;  My main motivation was so they were accustomed to exercise and would not turn out like me…fat.   A few months ago, I was inspired to take the time my small people were in their activities and go into the gym (it is attached to the pool they are swimming in) and get some of my own activity in.  So, I started, not very diligent at first, but now it is becoming more of a routine, and  I’m liking it, not loving it yet, but liking it.  
Last night, I left the house to get to the Y, upon arriving, I realized that I had left my sneakers at home.  It was so easy for me to shoot a text to my friend and tell her I would not be in the gym as my shoes were at home.  The response I received was, well, not what I was expecting;  It read “Well, you have plenty of time to go home and get them”.   WOW, what a thought?  I was prepared for a response more like “bummer,” or “next time,” or “don’t worry about it there’s always tomorrow”.  I sat in my car for a few minutes, and contemplated on whether or not I wanted to drive the 2 miles home or stay sitting by the pool watching my kiddo’s swim.  Oh, how I wanted to choose the latter!  But I didn’t, I figured that someone cared enough to call me out, I had better be grateful enough to get off that ever expanding behind of mine and do something to shrink it.  So, I did and was very pleased with the decision.  

I am obviously still working on the “fruit” self-control, but working on it I am.  

I would love to take this opportunity to recognize each of you, my friends and my family, my family that are friends, and my friends that are family;  You are all a blessing in my life!  You have stood by me, when I couldn’t, or just wouldn’t stand alone;  You have laughed with me, and sometimes at me but always with love in your heart;  You have given me a listening ear, and more importantly a listening heart when I most needed it;  You have prayed for and with me when I have been most desperate.  You have all been there to witness God work in my life to fill that very dark hole with love and light.  I thank Him for you all every day, and know that without you, I would not have the courage to continue this journey.   So, thank you for your love and honesty.

I shall keep focused, and continue to work on my fruits.   Staying focused on self-control, Water, exercise, no eating after 8:00 and…keep on praying, oh, and no more bags of Cheetos in the house…..I am way WAY to weak for that.


Get out of my way

I like to run.  I do.  Running!  Not the kind you do when something big is coming at you and you have to move or get barreled over.  I actually enjoy it.  Feel good about myself doing it.  Love the feeling of achievement from it. I NEVER thought I’d ever feel that way about running.  Crazy!

My BFF came to town on Friday.  Made plans to meet up for pizza with friends.  Did I go? No…  Instead I ran!  Seriously?  Now, Trev had swim practice too, so it wasn’t just for me, but I could have easily skipped it.  I didn’t want to.  I wanted/needed to run!  I’m so glad I did too.  Because I was short on time, I decided to get in what I could on the treadmill.  I ran an entire 5K.  I know I’ve run one before, but this time I knew it wasn’t a fluke, wasn’t just the adrenaline from the race.  I actually ran a whole 5K.  And I could have kept running, but time didn’t allow me to.  My head gets in my way so often, I wonder how long it kept me from believing I could.  It was a breakthrough for me.  It’s nice to get out of my own way like that.  I know I can do the 10K and might even be able to run the whole thing.  I know the 1/2 marathon is something I can do…not easily, but I believe I can.

I’m not saying I’m doing well at that in all areas of my life- getting out of my way.  I need to do better at this in several areas.  It’s been a tough couple of weeks emotionally.  Hormones messed with me big time but in addition to that I felt like my biggest cheerleader let me down.  I didn’t realize how much I needed the support from him, how much I depended on it.  I would like to be strong enough to do this all on my own, to have better self-esteem, but I guess I’m not there…yet.   I have had a really bad attitude with this lately.  Shed too many tears over it.  But truth is truth, and being completely honest here, I really need to know he is one of my biggest supporters, that he sees my achievements and cares how I do,  that he encourages me to do even better and helps me believe in myself.  I need him pushing me at the end, when I’m all out of breath telling me I can do it, I can finish the race.  I guess it says a lot for how much I love him and how supportive he’s been in the past.  One time he doesn’t and I fall apart.  I’m a lucky woman. I need to get my head around that too.  See, I need to get out of my way!

Checking in:

Water!  I can do better.  I slipped this weekend.  I drank way too much DC, not enough H2O.  I did decently during the week, though.  Gotta watch my weekends.

Bed!  I got myself to bed close to midnight almost every night (except the weekend)  I am still working on this.

Workouts!  I did really well here.  It seems to be a good plan for me

I am so very close to being in the 160’s.  This is my week.

I’m adding one more thing this week.  I want to write down one positive thing about myself every day.  I need to focus on that.  Hopefully this helps.


Swear and Tears

A Fishy Tail

Not long ago I read this and found some comfort in it. I am on the whale side of this story and it cheered me up to read the analogy of how sad it would be to be a mermaid and all the good things about the whale. I was feeling rather low at the time and it helped.


A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was “This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?”

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

“Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I’d rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.
By: Delphine Fieberg


Truth be told though, I want to be a mermaid. I would love to be the one that gets a second glance at the gym and it be because I look good  not like a joke. I want to go to the store and not be nauseous trying on clothes. Be able to just pull something off the rack, in the skinny section, and have it just slide right on! I would love to say my pant size is a single digit number. I want my husband to lust after me not just love me. I don’t want to feel ashamed to be naked in front of him. I want to feel sexy and actually look it too. That’s the truth of it! Is it healthy, no. I know all the “Be happy with your body” , “Like yourself” self-esteem, self-image therapy. I know it and try to do it, but it isn’t easy when you are looked down upon at the gym, when society tells you you’re wrong, the doctors tell you to loose weight, and  you’re husband doesn’t look at you the same anymore.


I know skinny people have image issues as well, but I have been thinner and I have been heavier and it was much easier to be thinner. It’s easier to be a mermaid than a whale.


It seems I am not alone in it being “that” week. The day of my weigh-in I knew it wouldn’t be good. I felt fat and my rings weren’t budging on my fingers. It wasn’t a bad week. I made it to the gym and watched what I ate. I slept horribly though and could have/should have drank more water. That is a little crazy since water is all I drink. I do not like coffee or tea, never been a soda gal and juices are only occasionally had at breakfast. I did get a rare date night with hubby and had sushi and shared a dessert. Alas the scale was not my friend though.


This morning I pulled a pair of jeans out of the dryer and put them on. Usually I would say I pulled, shimmied, and forced them on. Not today. Right on up and no problem zipping and buttoning them on. RIGHT OUT OF THE DRYER! Plus I could breathe easily, walk, and bend down. As I was doing my hair and makeup I even caught myself tugging them up. I can’t say they were falling down or I need a smaller size, but it is a small victory that I am focusing on rather than on my blah feeling.


This week more water, more sleep.


No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone still on the couch! Author Unknown



Another one pound loss for me. Wha hoo. I say that somewhat monotone and sarcastic. I keep plugging away but this weight loss thing S  U  C  K  S.  I am hungry always. I eat healthy meals and not so bad for you meals in moderation. Snacking has gotten the better of me though. I could eat just about anything about an hour after I’ve eaten. I did splurge today and ate a cheeseburger and fries. I wasn’t hungry for a long time after that.

I have done ok at working out. I could do better. I’ve been drinking water almost everyday but I could do better. I have been getting between seven and eight hours of sleep but I need to do better.

I   N  E  E  D  to do BETTER.

On a happier note my house is cleaner then it has been a while. My bathroom is reorganized as well as my hall closet. So some progress on my goals. I’m trying really hard to not let the following cartoon be true. Gotta try harder to make the scale go down.

more than you ever wanted to know

The fact that I gained less than half a pound this week is a success to me. I…well, hold on, T.M.I. ALERT: If you choose to continue reading be warned that I’m not holding back on the talk about girl stuff that tends to make some men uncomfortable.

So! In the past year or so my periods have been closer together (like every 3 weeks!) and have gotten heavier….have to get up in the middle of the night kind of heavy. I just chalked it up to getting older, and find it ironic that I’m in a stage in my life where I know I’m finished having kids and am ovulating way more often. Not fair (in a heart beat I’d trade with my friend who has been trying to have a baby for a long time).

Last weekend I realized that I had not had my period in 5 weeks. Holy crap. I started to panic and “What ifs” were filling my head. I convinced my self that it was fine and I should just wait until Wednesday – give it 4 days. By Monday I was in full panic mode. If I was…you know (I still can’t even say it) then how would I blog about weight loss? The half marathon would be totally off the table. How would it affect my taking college classes? Would my husband have a heart attack? Panic. Tuesday morning I made an unnecessary trip to Wal-mart…the furthest store from where I live so I’d be less likely to see anyone I knew. I bought the test, drank lots of water and headed…to the track. I wasn’t ready to face the music so I walked 2 miles. The whole time I was concentrating on good posture, keeping my stomach in, watching the track team practice, and not thinking about the Wal-mart bag in my car. When I got home I really had to pee. Time to face the music. It didn’t take long to see that I was worrying for no reason. HUGE sigh of relief.

Then Wednesday morning I started…with a vengence. I have had horrible cramps, my body has felt like it was on fire, and I’ve been bleeding uncontrollably. I’ve been craving carbs and fat and wanting to lay around in bed with a heating pad on my lower back. Good times. I still got 4 workouts in. I only drank one soda. I indulged only slightly in some dark chocolate…and a shake on date night with the hubs. A relatively good week for one invaded by Evil Aunt Flo.

This coming week I need to keep up my regular workouts and maybe add an extra since it’s my last week of freedom before classes begin, use gum to curb my cravings, and make sure I’m getting my veggies in.

Wish me luck!

Stress is my new Black

These past two weeks have been major stressful. It’s a VERY long story, but the short version is that the hubs has been sick for about 7 months now and the past two weeks we’ve gotten answers as to what it is but more questions have been raised. And he was hospitalized yesterday with what appeared to be a heart attack {this smart girl called 911 at 6:45 am when the hubs almost passed out from shortness of breath and chest and arm pains}. Talk about scary. Thankfully, they have ruled out that what happened yesterday was not a heart attack, but more tests, and a few more days in the hospital.

Stress does a number to me. I’m a stress eater. I am not too proud to admit that I indulged in the Devil’s drugs {ice cream, sugar, carbs} more than a few times during the past few weeks. But last night, something happened. It was 8:00 and I was still up at the hospital with Bry and because of some testing he had to have done he couldn’t eat or drink anything until after the tests, so I was being supportive and didn’t eat or drink anything either {I know, I’m ridiculously nice, huh?}. Well, when they gave him the go ahead to eat, I realized I hadn’t ordered myself dinner before the cafeteria closed. So I hit the vending machine and guess what I bought… a Lean Cusine. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes. 250 calories that really, actually, weren’t that bad. I felt so good about my choice. I was PROUD of myself. Then, this morning, I weighed for the first time since Saturday… and I was down 4.2lbs!!!! Maybe this stress thing WAS working for me! 😉 Just kidding, seriously. But I was proud of some small victories.

It’s late and I just got home, but I want to set my goals for the next week. I’m making them super simple because complex just isn’t going to work for me unless we want me to be posting from a psych unit… 🙂


1. I’m really going to try HARD not to put myself down {I recognized today how many times I call myself “fat” it’s just not good}

2. I will actually go with my neighbors on their morning walks they’ve invited me on M, W, and F… 6am

3. I will get out the shorts I bought last summer and hang them up on my mirror on my dresser. They are 2 sizes too small and are my motivational shorts! 🙂

4. I will remember I’m human, and regardless of how hard I try, I may “mess up”… but that doesn’t mean life is over, it just means I try harder… but put it behind me first.


And remember, “You aren’t going to get the butt you want, by sitting on the one you have!” 🙂




 7 has always been my favorite number. As a kid it was my go to number anytime I was choosing between 1 and10. This week, it has become a number that holds a very signifigant meaning. I hit my 6 month post surgery this week, and I am closing in on a milestone. SEVEN pounds from now I will have lost 100 lbs. That seems so surreal to me. I am approaching a weight that I haven’t seen in a very long time, and I am letting myself be excited.

  In April of last year, I got on a scale and looked at 329lbs, and a very unhappy person. This week, stepping onto my scale (okay, I stepped on and off three different times..just to be sure), the scale read 236lbs. How amazing is that!!! My goal was to be to this point by April, now I am finding that I can look beyond that…and start, gulp..dreaming of life under the 2’s. 16 years. Thats how long it has been since I have seen a 1 as the first number in my weight, and I can’t express how excited I am that it is creaping nearer and nearer. I have long term goals, and short term reality checks. This weeks reality check will be to get my body moving. No more making excuses that going up and down the stairs to deliver laundry and put away boxes is exercise. LOL. I have made protein shakes my friend again, and now Bob and I must get reaquainted. That is my reality check…and I am sticking to it!!

       My husband and I have been looking at our vacation plans for this Summer. We have a wedding in Virginia and his 20 year High School reunion in San Diego. Both are seeing people we haven’t been around in quite a while, and I would REALLY like to blow them away. My long term GOAL… looking FORWARD to bathing suit season. This time around…I may actually stand in front of the camera =)

Soggy Dogs Can Run!

When the alarm woke me up the morning I wasn’t sure day had made here yet.  I’m not a fan of waking up when it’s dark.  I’d gotten all my goods together the night before so I was ready to go when my ride picked me up…well except for my water bottle I left on the kitchen counter with my ID, credit card and chapstick inside the little pocket.  Thankfully my friend had me covered – such a friend!  It’ was drizzling…a sign for a wet, wet day.  The roads were blanketed by a fogged mist left from the cars in front of us, making it hard to see the lane in front of you.  Somehow we made it on time to our event.  I had hoped and prayed for a clear day, but rain was in the cards.  I’ve  never run in the rain for any reason but to get from the car to the house!  Here I was ready to run a race in this drizzle.  After 3 bathroom stops in 30 minutes (boy nerves mess with you) we were up for our turn to go. My friend said something to the effect of  the sooner we get done, the sooner we can get dry.  So true!   Music playing in my ears, my friend beside me, we started off for an adventure!  I can tell you it was a run of wills.  I had to will myself to get going.  Everything in me was telling me to stop, but my head was stronger and I pushed on.  It seemed to take about 1/2 mile for me to even get into a rhythm, but then it seemed my body took over, one step at a time taking me forward.  I made the first turn and felt like I actually had a good chance of doing this thing at a constant run…I admit I did stop for about 5-10 seconds to reattach my bib that was so soggy it had ripped out of the pins on 3 sides.  I had a bit of a cramp going so I also worked my breathing a pushed off again.  With that small exception I ran the entire 5K!  As I turned the final corner I was so glad there were people cheering me on, because it seemed the hill was enormous!  There was no quitting at this point, I willed it,  I worked it and as soon I caught sight of my goal, I pushed myself even faster…a sprint if you want to call it that.  Soon I was gasping for air, and at one point even thought it was very possible I might pass out at the finish line, but I saw my friend, heard her cheering me on and I pushed on.  I did it 5 minutes faster than any of my previous 5K’s!  In the RAIN!  Can I tell you how thrilled I was, what an accomplishment that was for me.  I was not fast, I was not going to win any awards for my time…but for me, I won the race!

I have plans for a 10K in April.  I am motivated to train and do this thing that seems so big.  I’ve never done a 10K.  I know I do 4 miles or so in the 60 min workouts I do on Mon & Fri, but I’ve never raced that far, so it’s a challenging idea, but know it will get me that much closer to being able to do my ultimate goal of a 1/2 marathon sometime later this year or early 2013.

Checking in:

I’m closer to my goal of being in the 160’s, and hope next week is the week.  It was a bloated week for me but next week I will be past that and will be able to see where I really am!

I am drinking my 6 glasses of water/day

I didn’t eat past 9 except once.  Sounds like I need more work on this goal so I’m sticking to this time.

I had a different workout routine last week in preparation for the 5K and followed what my body told me I needed to do to be rested properly to run on Sat, so I missed my workouts on Tues/Thurs & Fri.  I am back on my Mon/Wed/Fri runs and using a video or free weights on Tues/Thurs.  I’m not sure what to do with my weekends, but will try to get some fun exercise in.

I am going to add getting to bed by midnight (I don’t want to talk about it – I will work towards an earlier time but I’m starting here)

Inspiration:  A few quotes I’ve seen recently that I would like to share:












Sleeping Beauty

Do you realize how important sleep is? We have seen it mentioned time and again in this blog, in fitness articles, even TV shows tell you to get enough sleep. Do you know why? I didn’t until very recently.

Last month, after some convincing, I went to see my doctor. I had been working out faithfully for a year and a half and seeing very little results. Last summer I even increased my output by starting one of those beginner running programs and planned on doing the Turkey Trot 5k. Still not much happening except sore shins and a torn meniscus. I felt better, more stamina and was actually running more than walking. Something I had never in my life been able to do, but still the weight was painfully slow in coming off. At work one night, dear hubby was talking with the doctors about me and the consensus was that I should seek medical help. I fit the symptoms of someone with thyroid problems. The weight issues, I had become sensitive to cold, increase in depression and I was tired all the time. It was starting to be scary tired, trying to not fall asleep driving tired. I made the appointment.

I got the same skeptical questioning I have gotten from others, even on here. “Are you sure you aren’t eating more than you say?” “Are you really working out that hard?” He ordered some tests with a side remark that if I really was working out my tests would show it. He called me personally to give me the results which included a 40+ drop in cholesterol! Everything was perfect. He even said  “You are obviously doing what you say.” The extreme tiredness was worrisome though and a sleep study was ordered. I did that 10 days ago and it was miserable! My results came in on Friday and it turns out I have sleep apnea. I now must see a specialist and decide on treatment. Did you know that it is one of the most undiagnosed conditions and can affect anyone? A 6-year-old was being tested the same time I was and people who do not snore, like me, can have it too. (I’m not just saying that either. The test shows if you snore!)

I have learned a lot about how sleep affects weight even if you do not have sleep apnea. A woman needs about 7 hours of sleep for health. Weight changes, especially weight gain, are common sleep deprivation effects. The amount and quality of sleep affects hormone levels, particularly levels of leptin and ghrelin, which in turn affect physiological processes that depend on these hormone levels.

Leptin is a hormone that affects feelings of fullness and satisfaction after a meal, and ghrelin is a hormone that stimulates appetite. When people suffer from sleep deprivation, levels of leptin fall and ghrelin levels increase. This means that people end up feeling hungrier and may be less satisfied by eating, causing them to eat more and, consequently, gain weight. . When we don’t have enough sleep, our energy is very low. This can trick the brain into thinking it requires more food to replenish our energy stores. So we tend to eat more. Not only that we tend to crave high energy foods such as ice cream, cakes or sugar laden soft drinks.

To make matters worse, the effects of sleep deprivation can lessen the body’s ability to process glucose efficiently leading to an increased tendency to put on weight. This could also lead to an increased risk of diabetes. Lack of sleep also produce higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol and lower the metabolic rate which means we burn fewer calories.

That’s not even to mention what sleep deprivation does to our moods and depression levels. If there is a choice between hitting the gym and getting an extra hour of sleep, doctors would tell you to go to bed earlier and get both, but if there was no other option, sleep is more important. Get the sleep and work minutes of exercise into your day. Take the stairs, park farther away, go for a walk after lunch, calf raises while brushing your teeth or squats while putting dishes in the washer. It is very important to get enough sleep so all your other hard work and sacrifice pay off to the highest levels.


Ok, off my soap box and on to how I did this week. Well, my grand plan for diet and exercise while the family was away turned into more meetings than planned, waiting in lines in government buildings in the free time I did have and just not be very motivated. I got in 1, ONE, workout and gave in to temptation a little more than I should have. There was one difference though. Without anyone else to keep me going I found myself falling asleep early and only once did I not go to bed before 10pm. I can not say that it was quality sleep, but it was quantity. I was worried when I had my official weigh-in on Friday and had resigned myself to seeing a bigger number. Not only did I lose the weight I had gained last week, but I lost on top of that for a total of 3.8lbs. Yeah! Crazy I know, but I will take it.

The family is back so are schedules and routines. I hear the gym calling loud and clear for tomorrow morning and I will greet it happily with a little motivation of the scale going down pushing me and the thought that if I can get everything working together, diet, exercise and treatment for quality sleep, I could really see some big changes this year! Sweet Dreams!

Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.

John Adams

sassafrassin dagnab varnrummin scale

I have been pouting. Yes, I’m a grown woman and I pout…but only about important stuff.

Last week when Aims posted on Friday I felt like she saved my bacon (yummmm…bacon).  I worked extra hard  last week. I had worked out more and worked out harder. I had been super careful about what I was eating. I had looked forward to stepping on the scale to see my progress! Then…WHAM! Smacked in the face with this

I had weighed in and gained a pound and a half! I was frustrated, unhappy, embarrassed and a little bit ticked.

Let the pouting begin! It didn’t make any sense to me. It was so discouraging. It didn’t make me want to work harder. It made me want to stop trying so hard, so I kinda did. I realized after reading Rae’s Monday post that I was self sabotaging. I began thinking more about what I was doing. There was a whole day last week where I kept asking myself, “Do you want something to eat or are you hungry?” It was effective. I’m thinking of putting it in vinyl on my pantry door.

Tuesday I went to the podiatrist. I have a stupid foot problem called plantar fasciitis. I call it stupid, because it is. Two of the possible causes are being overweight (check) and repeated strain…like the kind of strain that occurs when you are working out and trying to lose weight (check). It’s a dichotomy! A big, fat, stupid dichotomy. My foot has been bothering me a lot and before I start training for the half marathon I’ve signed up to run in May I thought I’d better get some expert advice. I didn’t like his advice. To sum up: Rest. Don’t train. Probably won’t be able to do the half marathon. Stupid doctor. Stupid foot pain. More pouting.

I was dreading  DREADING weighing in this morning. I almost talked myself out of doing it. I had been pouting in my behavior, my attitude, on facebook…everywhere. I didn’t want or need another reason to be discouraged.

I kept thinking about something I overheard a woman say when I was out and about. I didn’t hear any of the conversation beforehand, but when she said these words they planted themselves in my head: “You just have to change your lifestyle!” I didn’t hear any of the conversation afterward because in my head I was mocking her (Oh is that all?!)…and I’m pretty sure she was referring to a third person that wasn’t even there. I hope that I haven’t made this whole process sound easy. I hope that you realize that I am struggling every day with decisions I’m making about what I’m putting in my mouth, how to adjust my behavior in situations where I used to make bad decisions, with finding motivation to do the hard stuff. This is NOT a diet or weight loss program for me. I am changing my lifestyle. There is no “just” about it. This is a Dadgum Change in my life! There is no turning back. Which is why I stepped on the scale this morning even though I did not want to.

I am so glad I did!

I guess my hard work from the week before took it’s time catching up. My husband said he knew I’d lost weight when he heard me say, “That can’t be right!” (he’s not allowed in the room when I weigh in) I did it twice just to be sure. Maybe it was the burpees or liners Mandy “made” us do in exercise class this morning (my two least favorite and also highly effective exercises), but I will take it! Do you realize this puts me a mere 3 pounds from having lost my first 20 pounds?! If I get back on my game and actually work hard this week, really, really hard, I might hit the 20 pound mark by next Friday.  Well, I’m going to just try.

Wish me luck!

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