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I am not on fire

Usually, I post when I am feeling good and motivated and making healthy choices. Not today. I like to keep things positive but I also promised I would be honest on this blog, so if you’re not in the mood for my honesty then I’d suggest you check out some of my older posts (like this one) instead of reading on.

These last few weeks have been tough. I didn’t know how losing my dad would affect me. How could I have? Generally, I’m ok, but I have moments or tasks which bring up my sorrow and make me want to shut down.

Just today I yelled at my husband (who never, ever deserves to be yelled at because he is a saint of a man) because he was talking about packing up my dad’s house as being simple and we “just need to do it”. A fire built up inside me that unleashed anger I didn’t know I had when I shouted out, “MY DAD DIED! NONE OF THIS IS EASY! These are his things. This is all hard and I would rather not do it.”

Sweet man that he is my husband just wrapped his arms around me and whispered comfort and kindness and apologies into my ear.

Along with my avoidance of packing I have been neglecting my fitness goals and nutrition. It has been so much easier to buy food instead of preparing it. Sleeping in is more enticing than early classes at the gym. Everything that I was doing with such ease last fall is suddenly unimportant and a huge inconvenience. My change in focus is showing on the scale.

I didn’t even take a camera into the bathroom on Friday when I weighed in. Maybe I should have because I’m embarrassed to tell you that I’m back up to almost 222. I hate it. It made me cry.

But I suppose I’ve been crying a lot lately.

For now, I’m going to gym even when I don’t want to. Sometimes, it’s half an effort but I suppose that is better than no effort. I bought groceries even though I don’t feel like cooking, but I will.

I will.

This sucks.

But I will be fine. It will take some time and facing things I don’t want to do but I will be fine.

IMG_1526

My daddy.

Wish me luck

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I wish I had wrote this…

I know it’s not my day to post, but I think we could all use this.

Replacing My Cravings

January 23, 2014

“Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my king and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.” Psalm 5:1-3 (NIV 1984)

I rolled over and looked at the clock. Another day. Beyond all reason and rationality, I slid out of bed and stripped off everything that might weigh even the slightest ounce as I headed to the scale.

I thought, “Maybe today will be the day the scale will be my friend and not reveal my secrets. Maybe somehow overnight the molecular structure of my body shifted and today I will magically weigh less.”

I yanked out my ponytail holder – hey, it’s gotta weigh something – and decided to try again. But the scale didn’t change its mind the second time. It was not my friend this day.

Vowing to do better, eat healthier, and make good choices, I headed to the kitchen only to have my resolve melt like the icing on the cinnamon rolls my daughter just pulled from the oven. Oh, who cares what the scale says when this roll speaks such love and deliciousness.

Two and a half cinnamon rolls later, I decided tomorrow would be a much better day to keep my promises to eat healthier. But tomorrow wasn’t the day. Or the next. Or the next.

I knew I needed to make changes. Because this wasn’t really about the scale or what clothing size I was; it was about this battle that raged in my heart. I thought about, craved, and arranged my life too much around food. So much so, I knew it was something God was challenging me to surrender to His control. Surrender to the point where I’d make changes for the sake of my spiritual health perhaps even more than my physical health.

I had to get honest enough to admit it: I relied on food more than I relied on God. I craved food more than I craved God. Food was my comfort. Food was my reward. Food was my joy. Food was what I turned to in times of stress, sadness, and even in times of happiness.

I knew this battle would be hard. But through it all I determined to make God, rather than food, my focus. Each time I craved something I knew wasn’t part of my healthy eating plan, I used that craving as a prompt to pray. I craved a lot. So, I found myself praying a lot.

Sometimes I wound up on the floor of my closet, praying with tears running down my face. And I gave myself permission to cry, just like the psalmist in Psalm 5:1-3, “Give ears to my word, O LORD, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my king and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.”

And that is literally what I did each day. Laid my requests before God and waited in expectation.

Then, one morning, it finally happened. I got up and for the first time in a long while, I felt incredibly empowered. I still did the same crazy routine with the scale, no clothes, no ponytail holder. The numbers hadn’t changed much, but my heart had. One day of victory tasted better than any of that food I’d given up ever could. I had waited in expectation using prayer as my guide and I did it.

I can’t promise you there won’t be any more tears. There will. And I can’t promise the scale magically drops as quickly as you wish it would. It probably won’t. But it will be a start. A really good start.

Dear Lord, You know me so intimately. You know how much I’m struggling right now. Please help me to replace my cravings with a reliance on You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Peer Pressure

I know I’ve been a bad blogger lately but that’s only because I have been bad in general.

I haven’t stepped on the scale in a month. I can see my body expanding, too, and I’m not liking how some of my clothes fit lately.

What derailed the Super Motivated ABC?  Without too much detail I will just say I am a woman over 40 whose feminine  features have started a rebellion. Of course, the doctors always seem to point out that being overweight makes the problem even worse.

Thanks.

I retreated into my shell. Being physically miserable should have been a motivator to try to lose weight, to give myself some relief, but no. I, of course, took the other path. The I’m-already-uncomfortable-and-unhappy-What’s-the-difference path.

Alas, relief to the rebellion is in sight and I’ve started feeling better in the last few weeks. I’ve thought about working out again. I even bought good stuff for green smoothies. I made it to Mandy’s Friday workout last week but only barely and I totally didn’t mean it. I came home and ate a croissant.

Then last night my friend’s ganged up on me.

“Come on! Spin class at 5:45! It will be fun!”

5:45? am?! Are they nuts?

Well, yes they are, but in a good way. So I gave in to peer pressure, set my alarm for 5:20 am (named it “I hate Tami”), and was out the door before my husband even sat up in bed.

It’s 9:20 am now. I’ve worked out, fed my kids breakfast, packed their lunches, put dinner in the crock pot, made & drank an uber healthy green smoothie (filtered water, spinach, kale, greek yogurt, whey protein powder, frozen pineapples & strawberries with a 1/2 of a dash of Stevia), studied for my class today and written a blog post.

Dagnab early morning. It’s so much easier to stay up late, but maybe I am better off getting up early. I hate early. I will be back on my regularly scheduled Friday with a weigh in.

I’m terrified of weighing in. The numbers on that scale are not going to be pretty.

Wish me luck.

that old familiar pain

Got two excellent workouts in this week and I am f e e l i n g  i t !

Also had a doc appointment this week and did not like what I saw on his scale.

However…

I am making the time for my workouts. Letting the rest of the world live in its chaos while I push the pedals or lift some weights is doing me good…painful good. I think the pain is a reminder that I’m back. No more excuses about having no time to workout.

The pain is also a reminder to stay away from the sweets…or it should be. I am weak! Emotional and weak lately. My kids wanted to watch Marley & Me this afternoon. I protested but gave in. I held my sweet 6 year old boy while he sobbed for the death of the on-screen dog… and I envied his tears. Tears seem useles. Or maybe I’m kidding myself and bottling in the stuff I should be letting go of. Or maybe I just really like chocolate.

Hoping for some good news in the next week and to find a better way to deal with the bad/sad/frustrating/infuriating stuff that comes along.

Wish me luck.

10 Weight Loss Commandments

 

1. Though shall stay hydrated with water and not sugary or carbonated beverages.

2. Thou shall avoid food with preservatives and high salt content.

3. Thou shalt not eat past 7 pm or before 6 am.

4. Thou shalt not “give up” on a diet or “give in” to a binge after a minor slip up.

5. Thou shall do at least 30 minutes of exercise a day: a brisk walk is fine.

6. Thou shalt not eat at unplanned or unusual times, or when emotional.

7. Thou shall find a distraction when cold pizza or left over birthday cake is left unattended.

8. Thou shalt not be discouraged, this takes time, and quick fixes are not lasting.

9. Thou shall eat regularly, starvation diets are only temporary solutions to lifelong problems.

10. Thou shalt never feel alone; we’re in this together!

Author unknown

I saw this and thought how very appropriate it was. Particularly after such a big food holiday. A few of these were much needed reminders for me. I must say #10 hit me a little harder than the others as recently I am feeling very alone in this struggle.

Disclaimer-What I am about to say is in no way an insult to those who have chosen this course of action for weight loss. For many it is life saving! I, myself have considered it and if cost hadn’t been an issue would have had lapband.

A coworker underwent the gastric sleeve weight loss procedure 3 months ago and has lost 73lbs. As my weight has plateaued and the comments on my weight loss have waned,  hers have soared as she still eats the same, has her daily large sodas and has yet to see the inside of a gym. The comment  was made to me this week, as I stopped into the office on the way to the gym, that I should stop working so hard and do what NAME did. I could have felt defeated or angry, really I just felt alone. A second friend  who kept saying she would go to the gym with me, but when it came down to scheduling a time always bailed, is also scheduled for surgery.

I haven’t had a sweat buddy through this whole course, but I at least knew others trying along with me. I know you all are out there too, but it’s not quite the same as having a hug from another weight warrior in a weary battle when you are struggling. It seems like there is a “weight loss race” now and I am losing. Every week when **** asks me if I lost and I say no and she proceeds to tell me, “That’s too bad. I’ve lost another X lbs.” (with a smile that is a little fake)

I’m probably just being very sensitive and making and a mountain out of a mole hill. I totally meant for this post to be motivational and instead it is all gloomy. Sorry folks. Didn’t mean to take you all on the pity-train with me. Sigh!

Real life, right?!

Hi Ho Hi Ho it is off to a new start I go! Gym in the morning. A loss to report for next week would be awesome!

Good Luck everyone!

 

Roller coaster ride.

Emotions are a crazy ride!!

So this is it. Next Sunday I will be post race.

I am glad that this is a VERY busy week for me and will not give me much time to think about what is coming on Saturday. This is a really good thing since this past week has been ridiculous!

So I left Sunday vowing to get a better attitude about this race. I started strong Monday until that night. It went something like this…

Girl has a puppy.

Puppy gets a hold of shoe.

Girl chases puppy.

Puppy zigs, girl zigs, knee zags!

Sharp, intense pain! The rest of the night spent with ice, elevation and hardly being able to walk. Seriously! Now? When I am just starting to get a good attitude about the race.

I got up Tuesday able to move, but with pain. I decided to try to walk it out. Two easy miles in the morning and two at night. Wednesday I was feeling better. Kept it a little easier  again and was feeling optimistic.

Thursday the race coordinators sent out some info and found out that it was decided to change the course (harder, little longer) and stop giving out info on the obstacles. They thought it would be so much better to step up to the starting line and have the anticipation of not knowing what lay ahead. Um NO! I am a planner. I plan out our vacations. Right down to the order we go on rides at Disney. It’s a sickness I know! I need to know what I am in for. Yes, I psyche myself out but I also try to figure out how I am going to do it. I was not digging this! Then I saw AB’s sneaky post from the night before. Such a great movie and I had totally forgotten about that scene. Sooooo needed that!  I announced to hubby when he got home from work that I knew how to get through the course….. BLINDFOLDED! I explained where my epiphany came from and he remembered the scene. It worked so well for the death crawl, it would work for me! He told me I was crazy and that I would not be blindfolded. I tried to tell him what a great test of trust in a marriage it would be and how good it could be for our relationship, but he wasn’t having it. Harrumph! Oh well!

I did feel better though. We are stronger than we think. More capable than we know!

Since I tried to take it easy this past week, I decided to do a 5k this morning. The rest of the week will be quiet from lack of time and wanting to be ready for Saturday. I chose the hilliest route I could. There is such a difference between the hills on a treadmill or elliptical and the real earthen kind. My knee was aching and I ran less than half of it. At one point I was crying. Not from pain but because my husband will be doing this race with me. I will be holding him back. The man’s legs come to my waist. Just walking with me is slow for his strides. Then there are the obstacles. I do not want to fail in front of him. He’s been taking notice lately of my efforts and telling me how proud he is. Honestly, it’s putting more pressure on me for this race. I am nowhere near as in shape as I want to be even though it is tons more than where I was. I really just want to tell him to do his thing and I will find him at the finish line. I am so afraid that he is just going to be embarrassed as I struggle on a wall, cargo net, up a hill and whatever other insanity there is. I don’t want to let him down.

I am such a mess.

When I signed up for the race I thought how great it would be if I could be below 220 for the race. It was a lofty goal for the time frame and I didn’t really think I could hit it. I just thought how nice it would be. I weighed myself three times today. Hubby thought it was because the scale was not my friend. I just couldn’t believe what it said. All three times it was the same 219.8! I am holding onto that achievement and hoping it helps propel me forward past my fears this week.

Maybe I will have some pictures to show next week of my spa day at the mud pits. LOL!

One foot in front of the other ladies (and gents), keep moving forward!

Why am I here?!

Have you ever been in an unhealthy relationship? When I was in college I dated a guy that I thought was The One. In our short relationship we’d even talked about how many kids we were going to have and where we would live. *sigh* Young (misguided) love. It took some years to get perspective to realize that when we had a fight and I ran to the mall to charge up my credit cards – which he hated – that it was not the best outlet for frustration and anger. I was literally paying for it years later.

Now I have an unhealthy relationship with the scale, because when it tells me I’ve gained 2 lbs in a week where I worked my tush hardcore doing 4 super sweaty workouts…then I want to go to See’s Candy, use my gift certificate for a pound of candy and E!N!J!O!Y! 

 

Well, maybe it’s more of a fairweather friend relationship, because when the scale shows I’ve lost I speak kindly to it, put it away more gently, and look forward to our next meeting. Right now I just want to throw it down the stairs. Yet, I’m reminded of that old saying “Don’t shoot the messenger!” It’s not the scale’s fault. Plus eating the pound of candy will cause me to pay and won’t really effect the scale (except when I throw it back in its spot and call it names).

So. With an attempt at humility I am willing to admit that getting exercise is not my problem.

I need to pay more attention and be more deliberate about my eating habits. Gah! It’s so hard and one of the things I HATE to do.

Even after seeing the nutritionist in May (or was it April) I still have not made a plan or checked my blood sugars or tried to be sure I was following her guidelines. I knew what she was telling me was right and good and would benefit me. It’s. Just. So. Hard. (Yes, I’m totally whining)

I think this is the point where I need some reminders about why I am doing this whole blog and getting outside my comfort zone and doing crazy things like being the fattest person in spin class. Here’s the list I came up with earlier this week. WARNING: I did not hold back. Some of these are kind of personal reasons, but I suppose if you are here reading you are not someone who gets uncomfortable with TMI. In no particular order…

  • I want to look the way I feel
  • I need to be able to keep up with/chase down my youngest child. He is 6 and quite fast
  • I want to be a good example to my teenage daughter
  • I want to feel more sexy
  • CUTER CLOTHES OPTIONS!!!
  • I want to control my diabetes and get off the meds
  • GET HEALTHY!
  • Live longer
  • If we get these same bodies in the hereafter….I really want to look good in the eternities and not kick myself everyday for getting stuck with a fat suit.
  • I don’t want to be self-conscious and/or wonder what others are thinking when they see me, especially next to my husband who is in good shape…and looks like he’s 27 (but that’s another problem all together)
  • Be comfortable on amusement park rides
  • Live the Word of Wisdom strictly (it’s a Mormon thing. click the link for a better understanding)

I think that is a good list for now. I’m sure my list will evolve throughout this journey. I hate using that word “journey” because it is so overused lately. But I’m not sure what else to call this attempt at reaching my long-term goal while sharing my experiences in writing. If you have a better word…share.

This week, unlike the girl from Oklahoma, I want to be the girl who CAN say “No” (or even “No, thank you”).  I also need to dig out my paperwork from my visit with the nutritionist. Her advice and guidelines will help me balance my glucose levels and get back on the losing weight track! Well, her advice and continuing to go to spin class.

Wish me luck!

 

Once Upon A Time…

I had this grand idea that if I became a blogger it would make losing weight fun, exciting, and practically easy. Combining something that I love (writing) with something that is hard for me (losing weight) was supposed to be a magical formula.

Wrong.

I gained weight this week.

Again.

I didn’t post Friday (when I’m “supposed” to post) because I could not have cared any less about blogging or weight loss. I sweated this week, serious work my fat off sweat…and not just because we had a few strange-for-L.A. humid days. I zumba-ed, swam, walked, and cardio/weight trained with effort!

But then again…

The week before I did a lot of sitting and enjoying of this scenery whilst beach camping:

I may have indulged myself a time or two in the last two weeks on less than healthy foods. I maybe even ate some candy which means I totally broke my promise to myself to not eat candy until I hit…whatever the goal was. It’s been so long that I’ve forgotten the exact goal. And all I’ve done is gain weight lately. I said at the beginning of this that feeling fat is not a motivator.

Gaining weight when you are trying to lose is not a motivator either. It makes me want to eat the entire carton of mint chocolate chip ice cream in my freezer.

Did you know that tomorrow (3rd Sunday of July) is National Ice Cream Day? I’d like to say that I’m going to have one single scoop, but I think that’s how my indulgences/overindulgence begin…with permission for a “special” treat and then it carries over to the next thing because I’ve already allowed myself other yumminess.

*sigh*

In theory, I know how I should eat and what I should eat. Why is it so difficult in practice?! I love to exercise and to find different forms of exercise to try (especially if it doesn’t aggravate my plantar fasciitis). It’s the food I can’t seem to get a handle on…at least this week it is.

Usually I am much more optimistic. I need to turn this whole thing around and find a way to start again! First thing on my agenda is to make a list of things that DO motivate me in my quest to lose weight/feel happy & comfortable in my body.

Can I really do this? Do I have the willpower? Some days I am not so sure, but I do know one thing. I do not want to give up. I am not ready to give in to the fat. I hate it. It makes me self-conscious all the time. The alternative is to reinvent, to figure out what I CAN do to accomplish my goal.

I want my happy ending.

Wish me luck!

Honest AB

I gained half a pound.

I was feeling so confident! I got 3 and a half workouts in. I felt like I looked better in my clothes. I pulled out a pair of pants from the dark recesses of the closet and remembered why I liked them before I had banished them for being tight. However, the outcome of my weigh-in was NOT what I anticipated.

So I thought I would measure. I hadn’t done that since February. I was sure it would show results that the scale did not. That I would be buoyed up when I saw those inches coming off.

Except I didn’t.

Instead of inches coming off I found that I had increased overall by about 3 inches since February. Talk about discouragement!!! Then I pulled classic AB out of my hat and started to justify what I was seeing, give it an outside cause, but after a few minutes I remembered my one blog rule: Be honest. I needed to begin with being honest to myself.

This past week I repeatedly justified eating unhealthy snack and treats. REPEATEDLY! Frequently this week as I was eating a cookie (or ice cream or straight up chocolate chips) I wondered what happened to the AB of last September/October. She could turn down treats. She could avoid the kitchen when she was tired. She had determination.  Where did that come from. It must still be inside me! I just need to find that AB again. I’m going to spend time this weekend looking at my earlier blog posts, reading my personal journal, and praying. Maybe by next Friday I will find the AB who can stand in a circle of friends and watch while they eat pretty cupcakes. Maybe then I can hold my head up high, because right now I’m feeling a little ashamed of myself. I don’t want to lie to anyone, especially not me. Yet I seem to continually set myself up for failure.

Well! Failure is not an option this time around. I’m confronting this nasty bad habit head on….tomorrow. Because tonight I’m falling asleep at the desk.

Wish me luck!

What’s the real reason?

I downloaded a free Kindle book this week not really thinking I would read it, but hey, free is FREE and I needed something new to read on the eliptical! (I haven’t managed to learn to read while running yet LOL) It’s a weight loss book. I have read a lot of diet books. A LOT! You hope maybe this one will have the magic formula. Maybe this one will make it click. Maybe! To my surprise it was not a diet book, but deals with the mental side of losing weight. What our hang-ups are to losing weight that keep us on that roller coaster of a ride with the scale. There is a good exercise in the begining that I thought I would share this week.

Why do you want to lose weight? Seems like an easy answer doesn’t it? But what is the true reason? The one that is deep down inside? The one that will keep you going when all else fails that will help you achieve your goal? Sometimes we try to lose weight for the wrong or should I say the superficial reasons.

When you are faced with that piece of cake, bag of chips, package of cookies or carton of ice cream, what is going to keep you from eating it? We all get tired, depressed, bored and hungry and what is going to compell you to stick to the program? When those items are screaming your name and every fiber of your being is trying to sway you to give in, is your reason strong enough to prevent you from caving in?

Often it is not. The candy bar or cookies or whatever, are stronger than the idea of looking good for an event or fitting into an outfit. They are right there in front of you, in plain sight and all of your goals, the reunion, the outfit- whatever it is for you- is in the background by comparison. That’s not to say you won’t ever be able to say no, it just not a switch to just turn off.

If you haven’t already realized your true purpose for losing the weight, you should find it. Stop and get clear on why you are doing this.

I want to live a long and healthy life with my husband. I want to travel and not feel restricted in what I can do. I want to go to an amusement park with my kids and not panic at the weight limits or if I can fit in the seats. I want to look in a mirror and be proud of what I see. I could go on, but how about you? Is it something deeper than a New Year’s resolution, that will keep you going to reach your purpose so that the lure of the cake won’t even come close.

The exersice of the “5 Whys” is to ask a question 5 times, at least. You may even need to go deeper than 5 to get to the route of why you are trying to lose weight. Really listen to that inner voice.

Why do I want (or need) to lose weight?

So I can feel better about myself.

Why do I need to feel better about myself?

Because my weight hurts my self confidence.

Why do I need to increase my confidence?

So I am willing and able and not afraid to do all the things my husband and kids would like me to do with them.

Why am I afraid to do the activities with my family?

Because I know I won’t have the energy to keep up or to to it correctly, fit in the seat, or I’ll be laughed at for even trying.

Why do I want to have more energy? Why do I want to lose weight?

I want to be an active participant in my own life and not a spectator.

When you know your true reasons, write them down and look at them as often. When you are faced with a temptation, count backward from 100 and think of those reasons. By the time you get to 1 that ice cream will look less appealing. When you don’t really want to hit the gym, read your reasons again.

We can do this and when we know why  we have much more motivation to endure the struggle and reach our goals!

Exerpts from Weight Loss Made Simple by Rodrick Armstrong http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005WEMCLO/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title

I haven’t met you, but I appreciate you all and cheer for you everyday!

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