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Stress and the fat woman

I weighed in.

It wasn’t bad.

It wasn’t great.

It was…


.2 pounds down.

As I weighed in – and for completely unrelated to my weight reasons – I could feel the stress binding up my body. It’s been a tough week. My dad…is stubborn and sick which is a horrible combination. Some weeks are worse than others especially when the rest of my life isn’t perfect and smooth…which it never is.


Stress is not conducive to weight loss.

Exercise does help with the stress. I’ve don’t that lots this week. My body is sore. I’ve done a little stress eating but as soon as I realized what I was doing I stopped.

Another weapon against the stress I’m using: in bed by 10 and up before 6. Some nights that is easier than others but it feels good…and makes it easier to get to the early spin class.

Praying for a week that has more weight loss than stress. Wish me luck!


Embracing the Ugly



You know those inspiring fitness memes? They say things like, “It’s better to be sore than sorry” or quote someone famous (like Buddha or Marilyn Monroe). There is usually a black and white picture of a super fit chick with sweat dripping off her muscles to accompany the uplifting words.

I don’t look like those when I work out.

In a yoga class recently I took a good look at myself in the mirror. It was difficult to accept what I saw. I think I’ve seen myself with some sort of mental filter in my mirrors at home. The mirror at the gym has no filters, real or imagined. It is unforgiving. I did not like what I saw, but I did not let the figure in the mirror get me down:

  • I was at the gym doing yoga!
  • I even went without a friend, on my own!
  • I have grossly cut back on the amount of crap junk food and snacks I was eating!
  • I have been intentionally adding more fruits & vegetables to my diet!

These changes to my behavior and working on improving my good habits have resulted in this

2013-12-20 weigh in

This is SEVEN POUNDS down from September. I’m trying to make a big deal out of it because I’m not really feeling accomplished. I’m still measuring myself against where I was before I started slipping back into nasty old habits (in case you’re wondering, I have four whole pounds more to lose to get to my lowest since starting this blog). It feels like I wasted so much time by gaining that weight back. I don’t want to waste time again.

Which is why I’m sticking to my anti-treat goals and set some specific exercise goals (2 spin classes, 1 yoga class and at least one additional workout each week).

Not wanting to waste my time losing the same lbs again is good motivation to work hard. Really wanting to get below my lowest weight (since starting scale matters) is an even bigger motivator. The desire to be too small for my smallest pair of jeans, to fit back into a favorite skirt from years gone by, to comfortably spend an afternoon on my feet, to  hike/swim/bike at pace with my family, those desires are all reasons I can look into those harsh gym mirrors and see this…

2013-12 spin selfiewithout crying and running from the gym. (This was an emotionally difficult selfie to share. I hope you appreciate my courage!)

Sometimes I wonder what goes through the instructor’s head or the other people’s heads when they see me in a spin class. Those classes are intense. I get pretty beet red and watching all that fat jiggle when I’m giving it my all…it doesn’t look anything like those sexy, inspiring memes. When I start to worry that people are mocking me in my head, I remind myself that I’m not at the gym to be their eye candy (ha!) or flirt (happily married for 18 years) nor does it matter what anyone else interprets from my working out.

I am there for me.

Going to spin class means afterward I don’t seem to crave sweets as much. When yoga class is over my stress has decreased and I can relax more easily. Every day that I workout makes me less anxious stepping on the scale for my weekly weigh in. Every week that I lose weight makes it easier to accept my results, reinforces those healthy habits, and brings me a little closer to seeing the me I expect when I look in the mirror… even the mean & nasty gym mirror.

5 days until Christmas and I’m planning to stick to my goals even during these holidays. (If Santa brings me a pair of spin shoes that clip into the pedals, it would be even more fun to stick to my goals!)


Wish me luck!

…and may your holidays be merry!




The Lone Ranger had Tonto….

Starting to feel a little lonely on here.  Calling all weight-loss warriors!!! Changing your lifestyle is so much easier with help from others. I hope this blog doesn’t fade into the sunset. It has been such a help for me. I guess I will just keep sending my thoughts out into cyberspace if for nothing else than a chronicle for me.

Colorado is usually referred to by us lucky to live here as “God’s Country.” It’s been just stressful lately. When we’re not burning to the ground, we’re killing each other in movie theaters. Coupled with PMS week and a dear friend in crisis, I had some bad meals. I have to take my own advice and remember the next meal, day, is a chance to make a better choice. I just maintained this week. I say that like it is a bad thing. It shouldn’t be. It’s better than gaining, right! I still feel crappy about not losing.

I have 13 days until my mud run. To say I am starting to freak out is an understatement! The organizers are starting to post pics of the obstacles as they are finished building them. Do you see those dots on the right side? Those are cars people!


Cargo net up a cliff face, a mud pit that is crossed on a line of tireswings, canyon traverse on ropes, the “gauntlet!” What in tarnations did I get myself into? I was a little worried when I first signed up and saw it was being held at an off-road park out in the boonies. Off-road parks are all hills otherwise they aren’t fun but add in …….

Picture     Picture     Picture

Ok the slide looks like it might be fun, but good gravy I don’t know if I can handle the other 18 obstacles. They seem to like making things with tires!

It’s not just doubts but I am in pain. As I have ramped up the workouts my knee and hip joints are killing me. Point of tears for hours later pain. I have starting taking glucosimine(sp?) to try to help. Hubby has decided to do it with me which is a mixed bag of emotions. But he said even if we walk the whole thing it will be ok. I wanted to do this to have something to show for my hard work. To be able to say “I did that!” To hopefully motivate my kids. “Hey, if my overweight mom can do THAT, I can get/be in shape too.”

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the race FB page had this posted today.

If you have been thinking about whether you can do the BIGDOG or not….Henry had some good advice!



Well played Big Dog, well played!

So let’s try this again… I have 13 days until my race! WooooooHoooooo! Can’t wait! Okay that last bit was said sarcastically but maybe in 12 days it won’t be! I hate mud! I need to change that attitude too. LOL!

Southern Comfort

Traveling in  car is hard. Traveling across country in a car with children is harder. Traveling across country in a car with small children and staying with inlaws is…..well…….stressful. Mapquest stats tells us we will be in a car 68 hours when it is said and done. Detour, traffic, construction, and getting lost has added 4 hours to that already. What were we thinking?

I did not get a workout in on Thursday. It was a 12+ hour travel day. Friday I got up and went for my jog. Hhhhheeeeeelllllloooooo Arkansas. I had forgotten what the humidity is like. ( I remember I didn’t like it) But, when you are sucking wind you realize the difference in Colorado dry air. Like breathing soup here. My legs didn’t want to move. I was stiff from being in the car all day. I had to walk more than run. I choice a hilly route through the neighborhood though. Saturday- travel. A 12+ hr trip turned into 15. UGH! Sunday- we are in the Smoky Mountains. Stepping out of the cabin I had two choices. Downhill or up. I chose up. I can not give justice to the steepness. I could touch my toes at the angle I was. There was no running going to be done. I came to a fork and again chose up and repeated the choice at the next fork. I kept telling myself “A little further. It’s faster coming down so I have to keep going up to get the full time.” I tried to jog coming back, but there were only a few areas that weren’t so steep that I wasn’t afraid I would go tumbling head long down the mountain. My legs are sore and a knee is hurting. Thanks to going the wrong way at a fork, I went farther/longer than planned. Perhaps at the wedding tonight I will dance my booty off.

Food- I chose side salads at the stops during traveling. Haven’t drank nearly enough water. The hard part about staying with family is that it is harder to say no when they cook you very filling  food. I am not sure the south knows the meaning of non-breaded, non-smothered. BBQ is a way of life. I am hoping when we get to our rental in Florida and I am in charge of the meals it will be easier. The food is just sitting in me like a brick. Was it always this heavy when we lived in these parts? Salad doesn’t seem so less satisfying now.

I must go get ready for a wedding, in a barn, with a full on BBQ. I will have to walk up the mountain again tomorrow!

Happy Birthday to my inspiration and blogger buddy AB! You are an amazing woman!!

Life’s a piece of cake

This has been a stressful week for me  consumed with this…

These are hand made and colored out of gumpaste(sugar).

The wedding was being held at “THE” place to have your wedding in the area. (If you have the money.) It was a big deal to me so my anxiety level was through the roof.

Couple that with dealing with side effects from a new medication and it has not been a fun time. I had an appointment with the sleep clinic before last post. I scored worse on my tests showing I am even more tired and not adjusting well with the CPAP. I just have to keep going with the mask torture at night, but they put me on  a medication to “wake” me up during the day.  I was assured it is not addicting and not speed. Apparently our troops “pop them like candy on patrol,” said the doc.  Hubby was with me and thought it was a good idea. He also liked that it has a mild antidepressant in it.

I was not thrilled with the idea of being medicated all day 24/7. A pill to make me sleep, a pill to keep me awake and alert. I became even less thrilled when nearly every side effect on the list became my friend. Doc told me at the appointment that he’s really only seen patients with headaches from it.

I feel wired. My hands shake. I’m jittery. Headaches, stomach pains, dizziness, nausea,  and trouble sleeping. I also have no appetite and I mean none. I could go all day and not even think about food. I have to force myself to eat, because you do need fuel, but I have a very hard time getting through half of the serving. It has been just over a week and it’s only mildly getting better. But, I am definitely not falling asleep behind the wheel and I am staying on top of things  at home. I should go visit AB and take care of her laundry for her ;-P

I think if I were used to caffeine it might be different. I hate coffee, do not drink pop, and only have raspberry tea a few times a year. It’s my special occasion drink.

I have gotten in some kind of a workout everyday except one because of the above but I probably still could have done it that day too.

I don’t know where my weight really is right now. At the dr appointment I was up 5 lbs from when I saw him 6 weeks ago, up 8 pounds from where I weighed in at 2 1/2 weeks ago for my weight loss challenge, and on my home scale now I am down 13 pounds from the dr visit last week. Obviously none of our scales match. I think I will just weigh in this week on the Kaiser scale for the challenge and go from there. All I know is my pants need belts.

Wish me luck. I must go swimsuit shopping this week before our trip. Oh the horror!!!!!


I missed last week. Sorry about that. I can’t even tell you what happened last week though, so you’ll just have to forgive me and move on with it like I did! 😉

Moving on… last Thursday I was talking to the hubs about my weight {seriously I do talk about other things than this, I swear} and telling him how frustrated I was with it. I told him I wanted to do anything to get that scale moving. One of my sweet co-workers is doing HCG so I was talking to Bry about that when I had an “Ah-Ha” moment. I don’t need a tool to help me, I HAVE a tool to help me! So the next morning I put on my Big Girl Pants and decided I was going to become a patient again at my work. I made an appointment, filled out the paperwork for 2012 {we had 2009 paperwork on file…oops}, and talked to the dr. I think that was the hardest part for me. I told him that once a month I needed him to be my Dr. I needed him and I to have that Patient Dr relationship that was completely disregarded when I started working there. I told him that I needed him to hold me accountable and treat me like any other patient. He agreed he would do that on 2 conditions. 1. I had to recognize that I had a lot of stress in my life and that 2. I needed to take time for myself. I was fine with #1 but #2 has never been my strong suit. But I agreed. He told me he was proud of me for coming to him and that this was a sign to him that I was ready again to lose the rest of my weight. The he gave me a fill. 1cc. That’s a pretty aggressive fill for someone who hasn’t had one in nearly 2 years. I stood up and I knew it was too full. However, I saw this as an opportunity to try and restrict myself and thought that I would “get used to it”. By Saturday morning I couldn’t hardly swallow. I interrupted my poor doc in Synagogue and told him what was happening. He met me at the office and took out a 1/2 cc and suddenly my world was so much better!

This week has been so nice. I eat about 1/2 c- 1cup and I feel satisfied for 4-6 hours. I’ve been making good choices and this morning I weighed. I crossed my everything and stepped on the scale. I had lost 4.5 lbs!!!!! I was sooooo excited! A little hard work and a fill really paid off! 🙂

At this point, I would like to add for any of you who thinks that I’m a cheater by having a lap band for losing weight… you try eating a cup of food and not wanting more. Even if you know that you can’t physically do it. You try not having sweets. It’s not easy. I’m working hard. And you know what, if you want to call me a cheater then that’s what I am! I work hard and track my every bite and every step. My way of “cheating” isn’t easy!

Anyways, here are the goals I was given for the month by my doc….

1. Walk 1 mile nightly.

2. Consume no more than 1500 cal/day

3. Track every single bite I put in my mouth.

So that’s what I’m working on. It’s not easy, but I know that it will be worth it. And you know what… I’m proud of myself.

Hope everyone has a good week!



Easy peasy lemon squeezy

I noticed this week that all my blog friends seem to be in the same state of slupdom as I am. What is up with us? Glad they/you are all still here and still writing. Persistence is key to success….at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

I gave myself a bye last week. It’s time to face the music.

About a month ago I posted that I’d only lost 2 pounds in a month. In the same amount of time I’ve gained those stupid 2 pounds back. S.T.U.P.I.D. Why is it so much easier to gain weight than it is to lose it?! Because I really have to want it? This is hard work.

Hard work and persistence.

I’ve let myself succomb to stress lately. You don’t want to know all the details. I mean, I know you’ve heard about my period, deaths in my family, and seen me in a bathing suit but I think that hearing about the stresses in other people’s lives is too depressing to be interesting. “They” say that stress causes your body to hold on to the fat…and hold onto the bad fat that just sits around your middle. The kind of fat I am encumbered with.

Hard work, persistence, and don’t forget to relax.

Piece of cake…just as long as you don’t eat it.

Wish me luck.

Stress is my new Black

These past two weeks have been major stressful. It’s a VERY long story, but the short version is that the hubs has been sick for about 7 months now and the past two weeks we’ve gotten answers as to what it is but more questions have been raised. And he was hospitalized yesterday with what appeared to be a heart attack {this smart girl called 911 at 6:45 am when the hubs almost passed out from shortness of breath and chest and arm pains}. Talk about scary. Thankfully, they have ruled out that what happened yesterday was not a heart attack, but more tests, and a few more days in the hospital.

Stress does a number to me. I’m a stress eater. I am not too proud to admit that I indulged in the Devil’s drugs {ice cream, sugar, carbs} more than a few times during the past few weeks. But last night, something happened. It was 8:00 and I was still up at the hospital with Bry and because of some testing he had to have done he couldn’t eat or drink anything until after the tests, so I was being supportive and didn’t eat or drink anything either {I know, I’m ridiculously nice, huh?}. Well, when they gave him the go ahead to eat, I realized I hadn’t ordered myself dinner before the cafeteria closed. So I hit the vending machine and guess what I bought… a Lean Cusine. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes. 250 calories that really, actually, weren’t that bad. I felt so good about my choice. I was PROUD of myself. Then, this morning, I weighed for the first time since Saturday… and I was down 4.2lbs!!!! Maybe this stress thing WAS working for me! 😉 Just kidding, seriously. But I was proud of some small victories.

It’s late and I just got home, but I want to set my goals for the next week. I’m making them super simple because complex just isn’t going to work for me unless we want me to be posting from a psych unit… 🙂


1. I’m really going to try HARD not to put myself down {I recognized today how many times I call myself “fat” it’s just not good}

2. I will actually go with my neighbors on their morning walks they’ve invited me on M, W, and F… 6am

3. I will get out the shorts I bought last summer and hang them up on my mirror on my dresser. They are 2 sizes too small and are my motivational shorts! 🙂

4. I will remember I’m human, and regardless of how hard I try, I may “mess up”… but that doesn’t mean life is over, it just means I try harder… but put it behind me first.


And remember, “You aren’t going to get the butt you want, by sitting on the one you have!” 🙂



Giving up…

I’m writing this in between scanning pictures of my Great Aunt Joan from the last 70ish years. Tomorrow is her funeral and for some crazy reason I volunteered to put together a slide show. Maybe because I love her…not loved….love. Always will. She and Uncle Sam were a couple since she was a teenager and I loved to watch them together. Loved. Don’t get to do that any more.

Joan died exactly six years after her beloved Sam. I remember all the summer holidays at their house and, most importantly, in their pool. Every Christmas they would have a present for me…until they decided I was too old. Then I got cash on occasion and eventually they’d buy presents for my kids. They hated Utah. It reminded them of their sweet son who died too young of cancer while attending BYU. They sucked it up and came to Utah for me when I finished at BYU (or thought I was finished and walked in graduation). I’ll never forget that kind of love.

To the right of me is Rae. Yup, we've been friends a long time.

Uncle Sam flirted with every single one of my girl friends that I brought to the house. Aunt Joan always made sure she had something my picky husband liked to eat when we came to visit. Anyone I know who met them never forgot them and even asked about them years later. Those are the kind of people who make growing up fun.

My daughter’s middle name is Joan. That’s how much I love her…both hers.

I’m sure you’re thinking something like, “That’s sweet, but what the hey does that have to do with you losing weight?!”

Good question. I don’t know. Except that it happened in my life this week and life happens to all of us. Sometimes we get stressed, need to celebrate (or mourn), have no time, feel alone, want to bake….life. This week I might have just given up (at least for a few days) when my aunt died, but instead I stuck to my promise to Rae (NO CANDY), I went on an extra walk, I cried (I’m sure cranking out tears burns calories, right), I looked for healthy ways to express my grief. It wasn’t a perfect week, but it was better than the old me who may have eaten through a giant bag of M&Ms.

Nonetheless, my focus this week was not on losing weight. When I stepped on the scale this morning I did not expect this

I lost two whole pounds since last Friday. Wow. I didn’t happy dance. I almost kicked myself. My thinking was if I can lose 2 lbs without hardly trying (just the changing of the habits) then imagine how much weight I might’ve lost if I had put more effort into it! (Ok, maybe I happy danced a little)

By the same token, if you are trying to lose weight like one of our regular readers, Kris (thanks for your comment last week), and not having these kind of results…please don’t be discouraged. It’s just time to reassess. Basic math. Calories in vs. calories out. Maybe this would be a good week (with all the candy temptation!) to keep close track of exactly how you are doing in that department. If you need help keeping track (I know it ain’t easy!) May I suggest a free website that I’ve used before The most important thing in tracking calories is total honesty with yourself. Yes, one M&M can count.

I also want to suggest again something Aims suggested. Measure. Take your measurements and keep track of the inches you are losing. Sometimes you won’t lose lbs, but you’ll see the inches coming off. I think it has something to do with muscle weight gain.

Don’t give up. We have hard days in life, but I know how bad you want to lose weight. I understand how it feels to look in the mirror and not see who you think you look like. I totally get how hard it is to work your butt off in an exercise class next to thinner women and worry about how they’ll look at you if when you can’t keep up. I appreciate the trainer who is gaining weight so he can see how hard it is to lose weight (have you seen that article?), but I know how you feel right now. DO NOT GIVE UP. Reassess.

Nearly done scanning pictures. Tomorrow is going to be a long day for me, but I’m going to try to start it out with a quiet morning walk. This week I’m taking things a day at a time and trying to push myself a little each day.

Wish me luck!

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