Best laid plans…

It  is hard to come to the reality that you don’t have it all together.  I am an organizer (except for my home…don’t go checking too hard around there)  I like to be helpful, especially to my family and friends.  What is hard for me is to realize that I need as much help or more.  I have been in denial for a long time.

I thought I was so helpful going to nutrition classes with my mom -even if I was officially considered obese by my doctor.  It was just a minor thing…something easy to fix.  I actually did really well for a while and then for a reason I don’t know, I just stopped trying, stopped eating right, stopped exercising and then was somehow surprised when I found myself 30 pounds heavier and no end in sight.

Then my friend, my very best friend, sent me an email that I briefly glanced at and ignored because I didn’t want to face reality that I really needed help.  I was unhappy, unhealthy, and didn’t really care.  I’ve been fighting depression for years; not the suicidal type of depression – haven’t gotten there since my teenage years, but still, I just get really down.  Recently, that has been me…down.  Down on myself for getting to where I am now, down on myself for backing off on my plans, down on myself for not keeping all the balls I’m juggling up in the air.  Just down.  I’m realizing that I just expect too much of myself.  I’m not doing anything well…school, Awana, home…all is just so-so.  I’m not happy with so-so.  I’m an over achiever.  Do it great!  Do it right!  How do you change your mentality?  I’m not sure.

When I’m down, I notice way too many things that keep me down.  6 months ago or so my husband stopped looking at me.  I’m not saying he never looks at me, I’m just saying that when I’m getting dressed or getting out of the shower, he no longer sneaks a peak or makes any kind of comment that has been typical of him for years.  It hurts me deep…mostly because it’s all my fault.  I mean, who would want to look at what I’ve let myself become this past year.  Please don’t think I’m bashing my husband.  He’s a wonderful, kind, affirming man who truly loves me.  I don’t even think he knows the change…

I have great plans to change.  I draw out a plan and then for a while I keep up, I am so organized…for a while.  Life throws me a change and then I lose my concentration and off I go…

My goal was to be down 8 lbs by the end of the month….for our cruise.  I was hoping I would fit into some of my clothes again…well, those pounds didn’t come off the same place I put them on, so my body is not cooperating with my plan.  I am now 172.5 lbs.  Started at 181.5 so I’m down 9 pounds.  I have another week before we go…and I did awesome on reaching my goals… I should be celebrating, right?!

OK, let’s see what I can do this week…maybe there’s still hope in fitting into something nicer than the 3-4 pair of shorts I wear over and over not wanting to put any more money into a size I don’t want to be wearing.  Maybe doing a little more exercise would be a good place to start, eh?!

This week I haven’t hardly exercised. At the beginning of the week, I golfed and swam but being away from home, away from the routine I’d been working on, I just didn’t plan enough to work out a change for my exercise routine.  It’s been almost a week since we’ve been back home and my routine fell completely apart. I golfed again on Sunday; a nice time with just my hubby.  I’m trying something different this time… This time, I’m trying to catch myself before I fall too far.  I’m trying.  That’s where I am today folks, trying…starting by making plans for the rest of the week.

Thanks for listening to me ramble on tonight…

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Posted on September 20, 2011, in Rae and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. My heart and mind understand way too well what you shared. We talked about some of this on our walk. I feel way too down on myself, most of the time. For the same reasons. Once I fall, it’s easier to stop caring and trying than to dust myself off and continue on. My self image and worth take brutal hits depending on my performance on setting and attaining goals. I am taking small steps to change my negativity toward myself. Hang in there, Rachel, friends are standing (or walking) right beside you. We all need a litttle help. 🙂

  2. I love you so….but I think Reese Witherspoon says what I want to say best.

    (not that you’re thinking of shooting anyone)
    Stick to your plans. Kill two birds with one stone…wait, I mean, revive two birds….ummm….

  3. I just want you to know how brave I think you are, and that you are doing an AMAZING job and are one of the most beautiful people – inside and out – that I’ve ever known. And know that even if others aren’t going through the exact struggles you are, we all feel like you do at times. Let’s just say I have a husband who struggles on a daily basis with Bipolar Disorder (and therefore, so do us as his family), and there are awful side effects to his medications, one of which makes me miss the way he used to look at me…don’t want to get into any details, but you understand. As I said, not the same but kinda the same at the same time (that’s a lot of sames…). ANYWHO. You are an inspiration and are doing an AWESOME job!!!! Stay strong and know that you have MANY who are praying for you and behind you completely!!! LOVE YOU!!

  4. I have amazing friends! I love you guys and I promise not to shoot anyone! 🙂
    My dad and brother are bi-polar so I feel you, Jen. Love you too and I covet your prayers!!!

  5. Sometimes our own sense of self betrays us. You are doing great, just by DOING SOMETHING! I know what a struggle it has been to watch the scale go up and your self-esteem go down. I think you are amazing, thoughtful and beautiful..inside and out. One of these days you will look in the mirror and discover the same thing. Just “Keep Moving Forward!!” ((hugs)).

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