When did I stop looking?
I was in the dressing room at Lane Bryant last night trying on every pair of jeans they had in my size (except the skinny ones), looking in the mirror and realizing that had been a long time since I had looked at my lower portion in the mirror. Possibly since the last time I tried on jeans which would be almost two years ago now. I look in the mirror to do my makeup. I look in the mirror to make sure my shirt is modest. But I never look at my body to see anything I don’t like. And I’ll be honest: I hate my tummy and what I call my second tummy. It’s a sad state to be in, to not like your body. I used to not like it but I could find clothes that I thought made it look better. I didn’t think I was hot but I wasn’t awful. Now I feel like I buy clothes to just not be naked. That nothing much helps me be cute.
My one bright spot, I still fit in size 18 jeans.
I got the results of my blood tests. Everything looks normal. My blood is borderline anemic and having too low platelets. I guess anemia might explain my tiredness. But mostly I need to try to do better. To eat healthier and workout. I must try harder.
Maybe if I look in the mirror more often at what I don’t like I’ll be more motivated to try harder.