Obsessed

That word has been one used toward me a lot lately. And by a lot, I’m pretty sure 5 different people called me that today alone. Now, I will tell you, I’ve been called much worse… but tonight {as I was doing some unproductive retail therapy which btw- when you are doing retail therapy and you don’t find a single freakin thing it makes you feel like you might actually need real therapy… couch and doc with a note pad included} I realized how obsessed I’ve gotten. Let me bring you up to speed…

The last two weeks I’ve been a little lot focused on my weight. Like crazy focused. Let me bring up the good to this. In 2 weeks I’ve lost 8 lbs. I’ve been primarily eating protein and veggies and drinking more water than I think is good for you. I’ve been staying away from sugar for the most part which is HUGE {if I didn’t feel so guilty I’d probably have dessert after breakfast, lunch, and dinner}. I was a little naughty on Mother’s Day, but seriously I remember hearing somewhere that calories, carbs, and fats don’t count on Mother’s Day. Which is a good thing because the hubs made some sinful brownies for me. The ingredients included chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, Nutella, and toasted coconut. I think I just gained a pound thinking about them! Anyways, Sunday I was a tad naughty but I got back on track Monday and have stayed there ever since. This morning I woke up and weighed and I was up .6, I might have cried. I’ve been crazy good. How in the world did I GAIN?! I know what you’re thinking, it’s only .6 but that .6 put me to losing just 8lbs instead of 9. Disappointment struck. I let this consume me for most of the morning {until I put on my New Kids On The Block Pandora station at work and jammed causing an insta better mood!}. I told every single one of my friends I work with about my huge failure. To which they all told me I was crazy and obsessed and needed to stop. So, tonight as I was sulking around every store in Mesa trying to find cute closed toed shoes {don’t worry, I already know that sentence makes no sense… there is no such thing as CUTE closed toed shoes} or a shirt to wear to dinner tomorrow night I started thinking about it more. I really have gotten obsessed. I sneak into the bathroom and weigh at night. If I wake up during the night, I’ll find my way to the bathroom, get undressed {because my jammies and hair tie might skew the number} and weigh. I look at the calories of everything I put in my mouth. I was mortified tonight that I didn’t realize my gum contained 10 calories. There’s a fine line between healthy and obsessed and I’ve crossed that line.

I told a friend that I wanted to lose 20lbs and then I’d be happy. My friend’s response made me cringe at how true it was… “well, when you get there do you think that will be good enough for you? Will it ever be good enough for you?”. That’s a scary thought. So tonight, my little blog friends, I’m resolving to change the voice inside me that is telling me that I will never be enough. I want to be good… not just good enough.

The pic I’m posting is from this morning… I picked it apart and found 100 different things wrong with me in it. Then I realized, I couldn’t even wear that shirt a month ago, and the belt was too tight last week and is on a smaller hole than I tried it last week. My pants weren’t nearly as tight as they had been fitting me and they were fresh out of the wash. I know I’m a work in progress, but I’m working on it and by admitting my craziness is helping keep me real, so thank you.

Seriously, as I was driving to work this morning I realized I neglected to put on eye make up. That’s why I look dead. Don’t worry, I turned around and came home to put on some much needed shadow, liner, and mascara! 🙂

 

XOXO,

Autumn

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Posted on May 17, 2012, in Autumn and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. You are beautiful! It’s ok to take a breather! I understand the obsession, let it take over my life though and I burnt out from it. Just take it one day at a time. 🙂

  2. You crack me up. Who would have noticed you weren’t wearing eye make-up with a hot bod and cute outfit like that?!

    I got excited over a .2 pound loss today. I understand the disappointment involved in a .6 gain. BUT! Obsessing doesn’t help. A well rounded approach to life does. You are on the right track. Be happy with who you are right this minute! Because I love you right this minute.

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