big, bad scary thing i swore i’d never do

Writing, for me, is easy. It’s easy and it’s something I like to do. Losing weight, on the other hand, has proved quite difficult for me
which is why I wanted to start this blog. Even still I’ve spent most of my day avoiding writing this post. If it wasn’t for Rae and Aims agreeing to do this with me I may have given up before I started. I am scared out of my mind. And I am not confident (understatement). I have tried and tried to lose weight: boot camp classes, Jenny Craig, gym memberships, nutrition classes and the list goes on. It works for a while, but it has never stuck. It’s never been good enough. What if I’m worried that I’m not good enough. What if I can’t do it and I fail in front of all you beautiful people here to support me. People I love and feel loved by? What if my kids never get to see the real me and only ever have a vision of this fat person I live inside of? Heaven sakes, I’m glad my brother took my kids swimming because I’m bawling. How’s that for honest?

People like me watch the Biggest Loser while we eat a bowl of ice cream. We don’t believe that could ever be us. Couldn’t be me in those hideously tight outfits with their flabby skin showing (Gracious, NO. You have no idea how bad stretch marks can look).
Could not be me standing on a scale in front of my entire community – not to mention the somewhat larger group of TV viewers. My husband doesn’t even know what I weigh (Not that he would care. God love that man!)

You know most days I don’t even feel fat…unless I see my reflection…or try on new clothes…or walk up a really big flight of stairs…or when I see a super fit mom and wonder why didn’t get that bounce-back-from-having-a-baby gene. Ok, so most days I feel fat. It doesn’t feel good. It’s not a motivator. Feeling fat is a hindrance. It reminds me of all the stuff I cannot do. At my doctor’s appointment this morning I asked about some knee pain I’ve been having. He said it’s because I’m fat (ok, so his words were something polite like “the excess weight”). No suggestions or talk of helping me figure out how to shed the excess weight (“Wear a brace and take Aleve”). If I’d asked would he have had any suggestions even?

I don’t want to be fat.

 Guess that’s back to why I’m here.

Bad habits. That’s where I want to start. I have a few (gosh, I hope it’s only a few) and I need to eliminate them. I used to drink Diet Coke, lots and lots of Diet Coke. For years (lots and lots of years) I think that’s mostly all I drank. I knew it wasn’t good for me, but it was yummy and perked me up! A few years ago I decided I needed to kick the caffeine habit. I stopped cold turkey. It was not easy and after a while I hit a weak moment when I had an hour plus drive ahead of me and I was tired. I almost justified grabbing my Diet Coke crutch, but I said a little prayer and grabbed a bottle of water instead. When I made it home, I was surprised at how fast the drive went and how alert I was. It was my epiphany! I am stronger on my own than with Diet Coke (in the interest of honesty I do occasionally have a caffeine free diet coke, but mostly I stick to water). This is my motivator. If I, Me, ABC can quit caffeine then I have some strength somewhere I can harness, right?

Two goals I need to start with:

  1. Plan ahead! I need to have a plan (so I’m not feeding my family after 7 pm). I need to start dinner early. And pack some healthy snacks for in between my classes (so I don’t head for the vending machine).
  2. Exercise! I’ve been going to a really great free workout that some friends (one of whom is a certified personal trainer) offer at our church. Of course, I don’t think I’ve gone all 3 days of the week it’s offered in a while. My goal this week is to go to all those workouts and find 2 more ways to get some cardio in this week.

Now for the big, bad scary: I’m stepping on the scale in front of my entire community (well, technically I stepped on it in my bathroom this morning…alone and took a picture for all of you). Maybe it’s easier to post a picture than to type it “out loud”, but I sure as heck wish I’d thought of having a pedicure before taking this picture. My “starting” weight…

P.S. I promise that not all my posts will be so long!

Posted on September 2, 2011, in AB and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 21 Comments.

  1. I’m so incredibly proud of you, AB! And of your friends!!!. I am so impressed with how honest and open you are about your goals, fears, weaknesses and challenges. I fully believe in you and believe that you can loose weight! I’ll cheer you on throught the process, through the ups and the downs! You go girl! Ps. Please keep posting the link on FB when you add to the blog. I want to keep track of all your posts!

  2. You guys are braver than I am. Keep on going and I’ll keep checking in on you. I’m at a standstill with exercise and it’s very hard for me to lose without exercise. I’ve hurt my back and can hardly go shopping and you know I love shopping. Stay with it.

  3. Can I just tell the 3 of you how proud I am of you? And how I’m so glad to be your family? 🙂 Losing weight is the single most difficult thing I’ve ever done. And 110 lbs lighter and I still struggle daily with feeling “fat” and wanting to look better. It’s been 2 1/2 years and I still see myself as what I was before. The one thing I hope you realize, that I wish I would come to recognize myself (I’m so much better at giving advice than taking my own! lol) is that your weight is just a number, it does not define you and I think I speak for ANYONE who is reading this when I say not ONE of us cares what that number is. I’m proud of you all for getting healthy and making some awesome life changes! I’m excited to see how well you are all doing… Love you all!

  4. You are one of the bravest, sweetest, most honest, funny, smart, beautiful – inside AND out – people I know! And I am proud to call you my friend. I know you are stubborn enough to do this and you have a lot of people out there praying for you and cheering you on. You may have setbacks some days, but don’t let that get you down or give up. I know you can do it!! Love you!!!

  5. AB, you are an amazing woman, mother, wife andfriend and we are here to support you. I know how tough it can be but you are strong and can do anything you want to bad enough but please know that we love you no matter what you do on the scale.

  6. I found myself nodding my head while reading your blog. Saying over and over again in my head she’s talking about me right. I really admire your strength and courage. I’m currently lying in bed trying to decide if I’m going to the gym with the hubby… I’ve decided! Thanks 🙂

  7. To say I am proud of you just isn’t enough. But I am proud… Proud to be your friends, proud of the person you already are and proud of what you are doing! I KNOW you can do this. My prayers are with you!

  8. I love your honesty and ability to share your thoughts and I’ll be cheering you on every step!
    ❤ U !!!

  9. Thanks for sharing! You just proved to me that you are way braver than me. We all have our struggles in life but to make them public it takes a lot of strenght. I have my private blog with my “struggle” and it would scare me to have it public for fear of judgment. But you have just prove me that is ok to share with your friends or people that know you, even to get a support team with people that might be having the same struggle. Awesome, You are my hero! … and please keep posting your link on facebooke.

  10. Your honesty is so admirable. An your thoughts sound so familiar…. must be the same things we all say to ourselves. I love you!

  11. AB, I was so moved by your post. I’ve known you for a long time, and I know you can do this. I’m so proud of you and I’m here if you need any encouraging words or support. Love you bunches!!!

  12. You can do this. I am proud of you and I know that you have the strength to get this done. I am sure it will be one of the most difficult things you have ever done and posting it will be too but just reading your story is so uplifting to me. You just put into words what everyone feels that needs to loose weight please keep up the blog! I am so proud of you ! xoxo

  13. So proud of you ABC! You are such an inspiration! Cheering for you on this journey. Xoxo

  14. Way to go! We’re rooting for you over here. Dix and I are eating Vegan…and he’s dropping weight. It’s hard (especially when we drive past a burger joint and take a whiff, mmm), but the results are worth it! You can do it!

  15. I am so incredibly proud of you and look forward to walking along side you on this trek! Love you bunches!!!

  16. As Christopher Robin once said, ” You are braver than you think, and stronger than you believe!” (It’s Disney..I had to.LoL) I am incredibly proud of your attitude and heart that has gone into making the decision to write this blog (and get us to join you!). You are such a beautiful daughter of God, inside and out. I am honored to travel with you along this journey, making our bodies the temples we see them as. Love ya!

  17. You are truly amazing and I know you will succeed in improving your health and peace of mind. Your heart and spirit are an inspiration. I will be pulling for you.

  18. Wow, you guys inspire me. This is awesome. I’m getting serious about my own weight loss situation. I have been doing all this research but I don’t know how to implement it. I hope you guys will include recipes you use for dinners and how you implement your exercise like the cardio you want to do twice a week on your own into your life.

  19. You are awesome … it’s a life long challenge for some of us! You are not alone!!!

  20. So I have been avoiding reading your post. Saw it on FB, it came to email, I just kept skipping it, not really sure why until I finally read it. Now I am bawling. It was like you were telling my story right down to our starting weight. (within 3 lbs) Thank you AB, you have said what I have been avoiding saying and after a very bad week where I didn’t make it to the gym once, I am starting the week new with new strength. You can do this and so can I!!!

  21. AB You’re amazing!!! You’re honesty and sense of humor are incredible and refreshing. I know you can do this. I’ve seen your dedication over the last few years and you are a hard worker, a fighter, and an inspiration. Your words are so motivating…thanks for all you do for everyone around you. When you walk into the workout class and get talking with the ladies you know how to brighten their life…thanks for being you!!!

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