big, bad scary thing i swore i’d never do
Writing, for me, is easy. It’s easy and it’s something I like to do. Losing weight, on the other hand, has proved quite difficult for me
which is why I wanted to start this blog. Even still I’ve spent most of my day avoiding writing this post. If it wasn’t for Rae and Aims agreeing to do this with me I may have given up before I started. I am scared out of my mind. And I am not confident (understatement). I have tried and tried to lose weight: boot camp classes, Jenny Craig, gym memberships, nutrition classes and the list goes on. It works for a while, but it has never stuck. It’s never been good enough. What if I’m worried that I’m not good enough. What if I can’t do it and I fail in front of all you beautiful people here to support me. People I love and feel loved by? What if my kids never get to see the real me and only ever have a vision of this fat person I live inside of? Heaven sakes, I’m glad my brother took my kids swimming because I’m bawling. How’s that for honest?
People like me watch the Biggest Loser while we eat a bowl of ice cream. We don’t believe that could ever be us. Couldn’t be me in those hideously tight outfits with their flabby skin showing (Gracious, NO. You have no idea how bad stretch marks can look).
Could not be me standing on a scale in front of my entire community – not to mention the somewhat larger group of TV viewers. My husband doesn’t even know what I weigh (Not that he would care. God love that man!)
You know most days I don’t even feel fat…unless I see my reflection…or try on new clothes…or walk up a really big flight of stairs…or when I see a super fit mom and wonder why didn’t get that bounce-back-from-having-a-baby gene. Ok, so most days I feel fat. It doesn’t feel good. It’s not a motivator. Feeling fat is a hindrance. It reminds me of all the stuff I cannot do. At my doctor’s appointment this morning I asked about some knee pain I’ve been having. He said it’s because I’m fat (ok, so his words were something polite like “the excess weight”). No suggestions or talk of helping me figure out how to shed the excess weight (“Wear a brace and take Aleve”). If I’d asked would he have had any suggestions even?
I don’t want to be fat.
Guess that’s back to why I’m here.
Bad habits. That’s where I want to start. I have a few (gosh, I hope it’s only a few) and I need to eliminate them. I used to drink Diet Coke, lots and lots of Diet Coke. For years (lots and lots of years) I think that’s mostly all I drank. I knew it wasn’t good for me, but it was yummy and perked me up! A few years ago I decided I needed to kick the caffeine habit. I stopped cold turkey. It was not easy and after a while I hit a weak moment when I had an hour plus drive ahead of me and I was tired. I almost justified grabbing my Diet Coke crutch, but I said a little prayer and grabbed a bottle of water instead. When I made it home, I was surprised at how fast the drive went and how alert I was. It was my epiphany! I am stronger on my own than with Diet Coke (in the interest of honesty I do occasionally have a caffeine free diet coke, but mostly I stick to water). This is my motivator. If I, Me, ABC can quit caffeine then I have some strength somewhere I can harness, right?
Two goals I need to start with:
- Plan ahead! I need to have a plan (so I’m not feeding my family after 7 pm). I need to start dinner early. And pack some healthy snacks for in between my classes (so I don’t head for the vending machine).
- Exercise! I’ve been going to a really great free workout that some friends (one of whom is a certified personal trainer) offer at our church. Of course, I don’t think I’ve gone all 3 days of the week it’s offered in a while. My goal this week is to go to all those workouts and find 2 more ways to get some cardio in this week.
Now for the big, bad scary: I’m stepping on the scale in front of my entire community (well, technically I stepped on it in my bathroom this morning…alone and took a picture for all of you). Maybe it’s easier to post a picture than to type it “out loud”, but I sure as heck wish I’d thought of having a pedicure before taking this picture. My “starting” weight…
P.S. I promise that not all my posts will be so long!